“I’ll punch a woman, but I’ll feel real bad about it later.”

Tom Sizemore, an actor best known for roles in Saving Private Ryan and True Romance, as well as for a personal life so spectacularly screwed up I can’t even begin to summarize it here, has amazingly hit a new low.

Sizemore is being investigated for grand theft after he allegedly stole multiple cell phones, a pen and a highlighter from a Verizon Wireless store in L.A. last week. Sources tell us Verizon’s security cameras clearly see a man who looks a helluva lot like Tom, along with another man, stealing a handful of phones — including one belonging to an employee. The man believed to be Tom was also busted reaching over the counter to pocket a pen and a highlighter.  [TMZ]

I have to side with Tom on this one.  Do you know how hard it is to get anyone’s attention at a Verizon store?  You practically have to take a dump on the counter; it’s like a Kinko’s with phones.  And to be fair, he only stole the pen so he could scratch out the phone’s serial number and write “TOM’Z PHOAN.”  The highlighter is to keep the whores from stealing his crack rocks.

Sidenote: If I were Tom’s lawyers, I’d use the “You sure that was Tom? Michael Madsen’s been lookin kinda chubby lately…” defense.