Every time I see some shakey cam garbage like Quantum of Solace or some hyper stylized artsturbation, I silently pray for the day when Michael Mann will come out with another action flick and show these limp d-cks how it’s done. Hopefully that day is July 1st when Public Enemies opens. It stars Johnny Depp as John Dillinger, Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis (the FBI agent chasing John Dillinger), and Marion Cotillard as Billie Frechette (no idea who either of those people are). Man, this looks awesome. I’m also pretty jealous of how Johnny Depp tells girls he robs banks and they just melt. I try telling them I’m a movie blogger and they’re usually just all like, “So, you gonna order or what? I’m gonna have to put you on hold.”
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Bale and Depp?
I just imploded
Hmmm, would that be a crushing orgasm Eibz?
This is the weirdest game of tent ever.
Cop: Put some clothes on… now take them off again.
Public Enemies Bring the Boys!
A tent in your pants? More like Public Enemies, if you ask me!
That was so full of fail that I’m never posting again.
Good-bye.
I guess I’m going to have to actually go see the movie since they didn’t show the part in the preview where words come from his crotch. Dammit.
If the trailer for this isn’t set to “Fight the Power” I refuse to see it.
Apparently Mann learned nothing last year or Depp would be in clown makeup.
“Put some clothes on.”
Sure thing, Officer Fag.
Clown makeup might explain the tent too.
Awww, fuck. I think I just switched teams for 2 minutes and 29 seconds. But hot damn, it felt good to be a gayngster.
It’s okay to be attracted to Johnny Depp. He was on 21 Jumpstreet, after all. I mean, that’s how I’m justifying my attraction to Michael DeLuise, anyway.
This will be the Mann-liest movie of the year.
*Nudges* Eh, eh? See what I did there?
If they want to build a tent in my pants, Channing Tatum oughta’ be holding up one of the corners. Is Mann even trying to sell this thing ?
I’m going to expend every cartridge in my Tommy Gun’s 50 round drum.
My penis’s name is John Dillinger, but he robs women of their self respect.
Okay, the trailer is either really subversive or I’m hearing the music for Geo Challenge underneath it. Either way, I don’t hear Fight the Power so fuck this.
I haven’t even watched the trailer yet and I’ve got a chick hard on.
A clitdick?
If this takes place during a depression when banks aren’t safe, why does it look so old timey?
Max, leave the social commentary to Sexman.
“I haven’t even watched the trailer yet and I’ve got a chick hard on.’
If that doesn’t go away in 4 hours call Dr. Dooter immediately.
If this page doesn’t refresh within 4 hours someone please call Dr. Uproxx.
If this movie had sex with Sucker Punch, it would have the most perfect looking short films ever.
Okay, I just watched it…and and…the hard on hasn’t gone away. I need help…maybe re-watching the damn thing 4 times in a row wasn’t a good idea?
But all this begs the question, does Johnny Depp Google his own balls?
“…the hard on hasn’t gone away. I need help…”
Go back and stare at Nic Cage’s forehead for awhile.
HARD ON!! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FILMDRUNK!!
HARD ON!! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FILMDRUNK!!
Public Enemies built a tent in my pants
A PeePee TeePee?
Ya know, that Jonny Depp looks alot like that mascara doused dog masturbator that played Jack Sparrow in those ass pirate movies.
“…the hard on hasn’t gone away. I need help…”
All right here is my tried and true method of hard on abatement:
1) Go home and get drunk.
2) Call every old girlfriend (single or married) and beg.
3) Go to bed.
4) Cry yourself to sleep.
Works every time.
Holy hell, is there a gayer name than
Ashley“Melvin Purvis”?Percy Pervis?
It’s the “e” instead of the “u” that makes it especially gay.
Is there a more redundant name than Ashley Perv?
Only if he’s from a state shaped like a cock.
Is the capitol of that state named Orhando?
SPOILER: When these Public Enemies use the term “bum rush,” they actually just mean a hobo in a hurry.
or capitAl
shut up, I’m HAMMERED!
Here’s my tried and true formula:
1. Johnny Depp
2. ???
3. ???
4. PROFIT!
Be careful when using the phrase “Bum Rush” around Zac Efron.
Are you calling me or… oh I see, nevermind.
WOOOO CHINO’S DRUNK! PILLOWFIGHT!
Nic Cage’s head is freaking me out…I think it may have worked. Wait and let me check…
Oh god, it didn’t. Johnny Depp get in my pants right now and fix this!!!
The theater staff is going to find a lot of Goobers on the seats when this movie is over.
Doesn’t compare to the number of goobers that will be in the seats during the movie.
These Public Enemies are gonna give ME a standing O.
I used to moonlight as an “FBI agent” (in tearaway suit) named Murvin Pelvis.
I quit after a group of fat old broads held me down and tried to find my G-man spot.
I’ve never wanted to fuck Johnny Depp so much in MY LIFE.
Be careful using the term “Bum Rush” around jokerswild. It depresses me.
How does Gold Rush make you feel?
Wow. Johnny Depp must be some kind of master goodwill ambassador.
He sure seems to be turning this into an awfully gay group.
Nobody…and I mean NOBODY does a gun fight like Michael Mann. Christopher Nolan stole the Michael Mann signature for the opening of The Dark Knight.
The opening of the dark night didn’t make any sense. Like when he bent the barrel. You know how much force it would take to bend a gun barrel? Like osme nerd could hang on to it. if he could, he would have been lifted off the ground. God it makes me so mad.
Nerd.
How does expecting a movie to be scientifically accurate make me a…..oh, wait. MOM! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU PUT MY JABBA THE HUTT UNDERWEAR????!!!!
Your mom had to wash those underwear twice, Nom. Remember, no job is complete until the paperwork is done!
You’re so korny chino. Now go get wicked.
Public Enemy built a necklace out of a clock.
I never built a tent in my pants. And if you really want your merit badge you better don’t wear pants either, boyscout.
I’ll show you limp dicks how it’s done….
*beats off into a Jai Alai xistera and flings it through the dot of the lower case ‘i’ in the ‘Kevin’ of Kevin Smith’s autograph on his ‘Zach and Miri Make a Porno’ poster he won for CoTW*
And THAT’S how it’s DONE!
Nom…I was referring to the bank scene. It reminded me of the same tempo Mann used for the bank robery in HEAT. As far as him bending the gun barrel in The Dark Knight, he used an aparatus attached to his arm/hand. This was clearly shown when he tore into the van. They also talked about it on the DVD extras. So, it was a mechanism and not him bending the barrel.