03.23.09 PUB EVACUATED OVER HOLY HAND GRENADE

I’ll piss my pants if they find a dead parrot somewhere next, like in place of the crown jewels or some shit. And we find out its John Cleese doing all this because his crazy ass divorce has driven him insane.

Maybe they’ll find him doing the funny walk across a bridge and then taking a header into the Thames screaming obscenities in nothing but his underwear.

Police have narrowed the list of subjects down to five

Three, sir

Three.

I really have nothing to add to this other than that I think the “holy handgrenade” should be a sex act of some kind.

I’m partial to the “Killer Bunny of Caerbannog.” This is where I unzip my fly, pull my pants pockets inside out and dare my students to sit in the front row.

I think a Holy Hand Grenade should be when you tell a girl you’re wearing a condom, lie, blow inside her and when you tell her you did, say it’s because you’re Catholic and every sperm is sacred.

I thought a Holy Hand Grenade was when you blow your load into the Priest’s hand during a tugger.

When asked for comment, Eric Idle suggested the police always look on the bright side of life

Police questioned what they described as “A Strange Person”. FilmDrunk has received a transcript of the interrogation:

Police: “What matter of man are you who can summon fire without flint nor tinder?”

Strange person: “I… am an enchanter.”

Police: “By what name are you called?”

Strange person: “There are some who call me… Tim?”

The bomb squad was able to determine that it was a prop after pulling the pin and counting to three.

Not to four, nor two lest thy proceedeth onward to three. Five is right out.

The “Jabberwocky” is when you request a blowjob, not because you’re horny, but because this is the only way to get her to stop talking about her feelings.

The story left out the name of the Pub - Carbannaugh’s Cave.

When the patrons were allowed to return to the Pub, they did feast on fruit bats, sloths, and breakfast cereals.

I thought the Holy Hand Grenade was when you switch from the Shocker to the Show-Stopper.

* 1 in the pink (thumb) and four elsewhere

I’m just gonna keep going here…

Police: “We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.”
Citizen: “I don’t think I was.”
Police: “Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.”

In order to catch the perpetrators, police have lit the grail icon. They expect to make arrests later today.

This really slowed down the repair work planned for the bridge of death.

As the bomb squad arrived, the chief gave them a little pep talk:

“If you do doubt your courage or valour [sic] come no further - for DEATH awaits you, with nasty, big, pointy teeth…”

Police were ultimately driven away by a Frenchman in a pointy hat hurling insults and cows at them from the roof.

Whilst interrogating witnesses it appeared that one had died of fright, but he was later quoted as being “not quite dead yet”.

A police spokesman was quoted as saying “we’re fighting out here every day, but it just seems that things keep getting worse. Just yesterday I had to respond to three reports of young men shouting “NI!” at old women”

The pub owner called for help by randomly firing an arrow with a note on it from the second floor window. The first police officer on the scene killed half of the patrons on his way in.