PEW PEW!
03.19.09
I didn’t feel like devoting an entire post to most of these stories, so here they are in lightning round format.
- France is awarding David Cronenberg their highest honor, the Legion d’honneur. Upon hearing the news, Viggo Mortensen ran around with his cock out and strangled a Russian. [Variety]
- Forrest Whitaker had to drop out of The Expendables and was replaced by 50 Cent. The role now has 100% less Oscars and 50% more functioning eyeballs. [AICN]
- An AICN reader with a super gay fake name saw Tom Cruise talk about Mission Impossible 4 on Japanese TV. Three movies, three different directors, now a fourth movie? It’s almost as if this mission has no chance of being completed. [AICN]
- Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman will co-star in a rom-com. The hot popular guy and the cute smart girl getting together — OMG this is gonna be just like Sixteen Candles! [Empire]
- Pixar’s Up will open the Cannes Film Festival, become the first animated film ever to do so. Director Pete Docter, upon hearing the news, shouted, “That’s right, son, we just opened up a Cannes! Wait, what? How’s it pronounced now?” [THR]
- Crank 2 released a new poster via Twitter. THE STATH: Oi, it’s all fock’n black and yellow, donnit? It’s loike oy’s a fock’n bumble bee, now don’ Oy? Dat is well fitting, cuz Oy do loike ta poke fit birds wif me stinga. D’you know what Oy mean? Oy’s talkin’ about knobbin. [Twitter]
- And speaking of Twitter, Stephen Colbert went on the Today Show to promote Monsters vs. Aliens and said “twatted”. In the movie he plays the president, and also in my heart. [WarmingGlow]
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The Expendables is going to be a fucking train wreck. The one cast member that could bring any kind of credibility to it bails and they replace him with Haff Dollah Beeel? Perfect.
Stephen you can talk about my twat me all you want. And by that I mean fucking.
You forgot about this ht tp://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20090319/en_movies_eo/105152 , Mr. Mancini.
He’s threatening a world tour in May too, apparently.
That makes sense, Fiddy is pretty expendable
Do you think she’ll have Brad’s shit on her shoe? Or is his dick too scared of her?
Really? “He was dead…but he got better”?
It’s like they merged two of the funny parts from Monty Python & The Holy Grail for a Statham poster.
Wow, suddenly realized the thought of Colbert and my twat just made me type that first comment like a dyslexic retard.
Actually, wouldn’t 50 cents just be spendable?
Ironically, now that Forrest Whitaker is a drop-out, the film appeals to him all the more.
I. Want. Hooters.
It’s a shame Forrest has dropped out because his character was going to wear an eye patch and Stallone was gonna make him wear it over his good eye. Now that 50 Bob’s involved the eye patch has been replaced with a ball-gag.
I always assumed the highest honor given in France was “Le` Bath” which is received less often than the Fields Medal over there.
For the third installment, they’ll replace Jason Statham with Clint Eastwood and turn the 3 backward to make the title ‘Crank-E’.
Ho wthe fuck did a guy named Peter Docter not end up a urologist?
Or an airbrush artist for Playgirl?
When asked why he dropped out of the film, Forrest said the prop guy refused to make a gun he could shoot. To the prop guy’s defense, making a gun that shoots around corners is tough to mock up.
Forrest dropped out because the crew wouldn’t stay out of his eye lines.
Forrest Whitaker dropped out because he kept getting yelled at for looking into the camera.
In their defense, that did take up 3/4 of the set and 1/3 of the backlot.
Forrest’s favourite song is ‘Eye of the Liger’.
Forrest was forced to drop out because he refused to spot Stallone while he was doing squat thrusts.
*spills diet coke in remembrance of Dubs*
See cuz a liger is a cross breed…
When Forrest Whitaker orgasms his eyes straighten out.
The had to write a mirror into the scene in which his character sees a guy sneaking up behind him because of the replacement.
Running around with his cock out and strangling a Russian is what Viggo Mortensen likes to call “Thursday”
Wouldn’t 50% more be 1 and 1/2 functioning eyeballs?
Ya! And Stallone has Oscars! Meyers! and Wieners!
Fuck this shit. These 2 minute page load are eating my ass.
In a bad way.
UUUPROOOOOXXXXX!!!!
OMG Crappy I wish I could remember where that robotic owl was from. I know I saw that movie.
BTK, just to stay on topic for fun, I see little point in a fully-clothed Statham poster.
“Strangling a Russian” is the new “Choking my chicken.”
@Al –
Clash of the Titans. It featured a Giant One Eyed Monster. It’s a wonder anyone could forget.
Since I wasn’t here earlier:
Vince Mancini says:
Did you guys chase 6ways off because he had two accounts? (because I should point out, most of you have multiple accounts). Or was it just your horrendous racism?
Having multiple accounts isn’t in and of itself a problem, but nomming yourself about a dozen times in the past few weeks (including one comment that made COTW), is just suckass.
Sad thing is, I was going to nom the Mega Shark comment that ended up making COTW. He didn’t have to nom it himself. I don’t mind the guy, but the self-nomming shit has to stop. That goes for anybody reading this. Bad form. Don’t do it.
Clash of the Titans. It featured a Giant
One EyedFOUR ARMED Monster. It’s a wonder anyone could forget.Fixed. The Cyclops featured in The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, if I remember correctly.
*adjusts spectacles whilst brushing Cheeto dust from smoking jacket*
Clash of the Titans had a 2 headed dog, The Kraken, Medusa and the owl thing. Kali [the thing with 6 arms] was in Golden Voyage of Sinbad, as was a one-eyed Centaur.
If Lince knows who has multiple accounts, doesn’t that mean he can disqualify any self-nommers – IF HE CHOOSES TO DO SO?
I think we know who the REAL villain is here.
Just to clarify my nerdliness, Duke, the Kraken had four arms. Or maybe it was three … either way, he was certainly equipped to give good reach-arounds.
Ooooh, remember the giant-ized scorpions? Creepy!
*shudders like a girl in a meat locker*
If I could nom myself, I’d never leave my house!
[rimshot]
That certainly brought out the more *ahem* shall we say “mature” FilmDrunkards? Jeez, I knew Crappy was old as the hills but I’m surprised the rest of you remember that movie with such clarity. Embrace your memories now; it won’t be long before you can’t remember what day it is.
I was young enough to crap my pants when Medusa was onscreen, I remember that.
6ways went upside the head of my favorite baby seal with a led-filled shoe.
Great Googly Moogly!
OK answer me this, b-movie aficionados: army of skeletons? Was that Sinbad?
Jason and the Argonauts.
Army of skeletons? Al, do you mean the Sex and the City movie, or Jason And The Argonauts?
HAHA Robo – thanks guys, that’s been bugging me for a while (you have NO IDEA how truly exciting my life is).
I do.
Phew, I’m all Harryhausened out now.
Clean-up in booth 12!!
HOLY SHIT DUDE I had no idea it was the same guy who did all those movies (yes I was compelled to look up Harryhausen). Sweet.
Did you find the alternate meaning for Harryhausen, too?
Oh for christ’s sake, that’s why you guys know all this shit. God, I miss a few posts today and I’m even more out of the loop than usual. That’ll teach me to do work at work.
i’m stoned.
i’m stoned.
Gerald Posner? Is that you?
I’m higher than the teen pregnancy rate of Latinos and Blacks in most inner cities.
Is it even possible to be higher than 100%?
What’s with all my questions?
I feel like Jerry Seinfeld, except not
funnyJewishfunny or Jewish.Are you looking for MANswers for you Queefstions, Thumb?
Nah, they’re purely high-pathetical.
For the record, I only type in broken English, Neng.
“Stoned”….”high”….
You bunch of amateurs. I’m so fucked up I’m completely back to normal. Made the entire circuit. And now I’m going to pass ou
No really, I’m at 354,200 ft altitude.
Flyin’ a Dragon.
*taps head with own shoe*
That was my SKULL! I’m so wasted!
Yeah, ‘member we turned it into a bong?