I rip off Patton Oswalt constantly because I love him so much, but I swear I hadn’t read his blog about Watchmen before writing my review. And you know I’m telling the truth because otherwise my review would’ve been better.
“You’re all going to go see it, you resentful nerd mafiosi. And you’ll walk in rolling your eyes and you’ll walk out whistling sadly through your teeth because the fuel of the Nerd Mafia is disappointment and exclusion.
Tell you what — before you go and see THE WATCHMEN, plunk down and watch CATWOMAN, GHOST RIDER and DAREDEVIL. And use those seven hours (and don’t pretend like you don’t have seven free hours in your day) to get out all of your disgust and the-world-owes-me-my-daydreams-made-real attitude you strut around with.
Because Zack Snyder STEPPED UP, motherf–kers. THE WATCHMEN was going to get made, one way or another. And instead of bleating on his Facebook status updates or Tweeting about how sh–ty the upcoming adaptation’s going to be, he TOOK THE BULLET and tried to do it right. Yes, THE WATCHMEN should be a limited series on HBO and blah blah blah IT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN THAT WAY. Zack delivered a 2 1/2 hour, honest attempt, and broke his ass cranking out tons of free extras. Hell, he even animated The Tales of The Black Freighter for you chumps. Plus, he gave you a kick-ass DAWN OF THE DEAD remake, plus 300, plus whatever else he’s got coming down the pike. He’s the best friend the Nerd Mafia’s had since Joss Whedon and Brian Michael Bendis, so everyone please crack the tab on a frosty can of Go F–k Yourself and go see the movie version of THE WATCHMEN.” [via Patton's MySpace Blog]
I urge you to read the whole thing because it made my wiener tingle. See that? I just used MY blog to point out SOMEONE ELSE’s blog. What would the world be without my contributions? Suck on that, you fag cancer doctors.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/if-i-showed-you-all-the-money-shots-in-pacific-rim-youd-have-a-70-minute-orgasm-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/trailer-for-gravity-cuaron-movie-starring-clooney-and-bullock-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/patton-oswalts-star-wars-filibuster-from-parks-and-rec-is-spectacular-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/tumblr_mlba0xM6eD1rlpicfo1_500-150x150.jpg)
Patton’s acting like the Nerd Mafia and the Nerd Snobbitorium are one and the same. Sorry, no. One includes Joss Whedon and Brian Michael Bendis and the other is cooler than you.
The PC term is “homosexual oncologists”.
Patton Oswalt types like Michelle Rodriguez talks.
Its ironic cause I call my mother’s basement the Badda Bing.
Patton Oswalt starred in the only un-funny Pixar movie.
Someone please ask Patton Oswalt to start posting his blog on a dedicated blogging site…or even on FoD…so those of us who refuse to use MySpace or Facebook or any of those other lame tweener anti-social networking sites can subscribe to it.
Pictured: three guys who are scared of pussies.
Let me preface my previous comments with “I really like Patton Oswalt”.
You can’t read Patton Oswalt’s Facebook anyway, he is far too popular for you.
Yeah we’ll get right on that, robl :|
Your mom is a lame tweener!
If you piss off the Nerd Mafia you might find yourself waking up next to the severed head of your favorite action figure.
I tried to get out of the Comic Book mafia, but they kept drawing me back in.
In Nerd Mafia comic book shops, the phrase “I would like to buy a comic book featuring Archie and Jughead” is code speak for “I want drugs and hookers”.
In the Nerd Mafia “to whack a guy” means something completely different.
The Nerd Mafia wants to control all of southern Dr. Manhattan.
The Nerd Mafia will make you an offer you can’t refuse — physics homework for wedgie protection.
The Nerd Mafia is the place to go for all your inhaler medication needs.
The Nerd Mafia swears it doesn’t like tentacle rape porn, it’s just part of the business, mom.
If you piss off the Nerd Mafia you might find yourself waking up next to the severed head of your favorite action figure.
Or a knight from a chess set.
The Nerd Mafia owns the Yakuza.
In a mint-condition, unopened box set.
The Nerd Mafia can also provide you with hardware, if you know what I mean *points at computer, nods head*
The Nerd Mafia uses longboxes as a template when fitting you for concrete shoes.
In Russian Nerd Mafia, X solves for YOU!
The Nerd Mafia takes bets on Magic The Gathering matches.
The Don of the Nerd Mafia must grant you a favor on his niece’s wedding day, seeing as a daughter or son, for that matter, are pretty much out of the question.
“Big Pussy” is a very popular nickname in the Nerd Mafia.
During Prohibition, the Nerd Mafia didn’t smuggle anything because it was against the law.
The Nerd Mafia meets at the corner table next to the Panda Express in the food court.
*Pours out some Jolt Cola for his fallen homies*
Later, B8ers. Gone, but not 2²gotten
The Nerd Mafia knows a good Ramen noodle when they see it.
The Nerd Mafia has Bill Gates’ mugshot hanging on the wall of their hide-out.
The Nerd Mafia always gives you a chance to make your saving throw before offing you.
The Nerd Mafia will send their stenchmen if they have to.
Being a Made Man in the Nerd Mafia means you can jerk off to pictures of other members’ moms without retribution.
Nerd Mafioso: I dunno about robbing that place, Bruno. Security’s pretty tight
Bruno: You kidding? It’ll be easy as 3.14159.
STATHAM!
The Nerd Mafia organizes illegal spelling bees.
The Nerd Mafia will not initiate you if you only know π to five decimal points, Donk.
To prevent the cops from infiltrating their ranks, the Nerd Mafia makes everyone whip up a power point presentation on World of Warcraft, right there on the spot before every meeting.
The Nerd Mafia wants to be involved in prostitution, but they need your help meeting girls.
The Nerd Mafia’s front business is selling Monster Cables.
The Nerd Mafia has cops on their bankroll, money on their dice roll, and Slashdot.org on their blogroll.
The Nerd Mafia runs the badminton racket.
The Nerd Mafia hates money laundering, because the bills always crumple in your jeans.
New up.
Patton Oswalt (and Robopanda) had me at whackety schmackety do. The link’s a good read. I’ve watched 4 episodes of Burn Notice tonight. Enjoyable stuff.