College Humor’s latest original video (watch it below) is a deleted scene from Twilight, in which Edward tries to convince Bella to do anal.  I think I already made this joke a while ago (a couple times; I admit, it was kind of obvious). But credit where credit’s due: the execution here is spot on.  Plus, I really like the word “buttsex.” It’s just fun to describe really vulgar things with non-vulgar words.  Think about it: “throatf*cking” < “weinergagging”.
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Two Lovers, James Gray’s romantic dramedy starring Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow, has grossed only about $2,000,000 domestically despite positive reviews.  Naturally, Gray says the low gross was all C-Joaq’s fault.

“It’s like, Letterman was trying to get the movie out there, but the only thing that’s out there now is a crazy person with a beard making a fool of himself!” says Gray, still seething today at the “circus” surrounding Phoenix. Phoenix claims to be leaving the world of acting to become a rapper, albeit one with a camera-wielding brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, in tow. Gray spits at the name, calling him a “clown”. “I have no idea what the hell that guy is shooting,” he says. “The whole thing is not to my taste, and I’ve let Casey know this.” [timesonline]

Look, dude, it didn’t bomb because Joaquer Texas Rapper was acting crazy, it bombed because the casting was weird.  If you want to make a non-traditional Hollywood rom-dram, don’t cast it like an US Weekly cover.  However, no arguments about Casey Affleck being a clown.  I just wish Crispin Glover had crashed through the window singing “Clowny Clown Clown” to properly illustrate the point.

Bruno, Sacha Baron Cohen’s follow up to Borat, has received an NC-17 rating in its first submission to the MPAA, the shadowy cabal with the power to basically torpedo your movie if they want, since most theaters won’t show an NC-17 film.  In this case, however, since Bruno comes from a major studio (Universal), it will just get re-cut a few more times until they can get an R.

Among the objectionable scenes is one in which Bruno appears to have anal sex with a man on camera. In another, the actor goes on a hunting trip and sneaks naked into the tent of one of the fellow hunters, an unsuspecting non-actor.

Cohen is currently appealing the decision while simultaneously struggling with cutting the film to suit the ratings board. But the ratings board, a secret panel of parents appointed by the studio-owned movie association, is notoriously inexact about what it requires to move from an NC-17 to an R.

Audiences saw 20 minutes of Cohen’s latest foray into high-wire comedy at the South by SouthWest festival this month.

In one scene showed at the festival, Bruno auditioned children for a subversive movie with a number of offensive acts. Clueless stage moms agreed to the increasingly absurd requirements set forth by the actor, including one woman admitting that her infant daughter could lose seven pounds in a week to fit the part.

Finally, Bruno told her about the scene, in which the child had to dress as a Nazi pushing someone into an oven. [thewrap via theplaylist]

I’m so glad that there’s a group of unemployed moms in Burbank with the power to determine what kind of movie I get to see.  Without them we’d probably all be lining up for Air Bud 7: Doggy Shoots a Snuff Film.  Admit it, you’d buy a ticket.

Subjoke: Simulated anal sex and holocaust references?  Sounds like the time I went speed dating.

_{Haha, hi, kids!  Let’s pretend this isn’t super weird!}

Nickelodeon’s annual festival of good-clean-fun porno and pretending kids have a say in what entertainment gets fed to them happened last night.  As you can imagine, it was the usual mix of who’s that?, I hate them!, and why is Will Ferrell embarrassing himself like this?  Anyway, this creepy ode to pandering and borderline child porn seriously skeeves me out, so I’m just gonna post the winners, a few pics, and a video for your perusal while I go take a shower.  (Think I’m overreacting? I dare you to watch until the 2:27 mark of the video after the jump where Marlon Wayans asks Miley Cyrus if she’s wearing a thong and not be weirded out).

Favorite Movie
High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Favorite Male Movie Star
Will Smith, Hancock

Favorite Female Movie Star
Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Favorite Animated Movie
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Favorite Voice from an Animated Movie
Jack Black, as Po, Kung Fu Panda

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Monsters vs. Aliens earned $58.2 million for the biggest opening weekend of 2009 so far, earning $58 million to Watchmen‘s $55. It’s not surprising that it won, but it’s a little weird that it had to charge more to do so.

While the 2,080 3-D screens accounted for just 28 percent of the roughly 7,300 on which the movie played, they made up 56 percent of its total box-office haul, said Anne Globe, head of marketing for DreamWorks Animation. [AP]

And those 3-D tickets cost three or four dollars more than regular ones.  Overall, the box office was up 40% from the same weekend last year. Even Haunting in Connecticut made $23 million, even after basically taking a dump in the mouth of the English language by advertising it as”based on a true story.”  I can’t imagine getting dragged to that movie let alone actually wanting to see it.  They must’ve advertised a lot during Two and a Half Men or Dancing with the Stars or one of those other shows that 100 million people watch and somehow I’ve never met any of them.  And let’s keep it that way.

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