Here’s a rundown of some of today’s “other” stories

• Everyone’s reporting that Will and Jaden Smith‘s Karate Kid remake will be called Kung Fu Kid, even though this news is old as hell.  And anyway, it seems like something you’d infer based on the film starring Jackie Chan and being shot in China.  Meanwhile, I’m writing a script in which Joe Son plays the Miyagi character.  I call it Gun Rape Kid. [3newsNewZealand]
• New Star Trek poster, same lame, generic tagline (“The Future Begins”). [Below]
• Emma Stone is a slut. Bong.  And by that I mean she’s signed up for Easy A, a reimagining of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter set in high school.  Too bad it’s being shot by Screen Gems, which means it’s either (A) going straight to DVD or (B) involves vampires, aliens, zombies, or vampire alien zombies. [Variety]
• Richard Linklater is trying to find a distributor for his “spiritual sequel” to Dazed and Confused. Says Linklater, “It’s tough. It’s not a tentpole, sequel, remake, or over-the-top comedy. The studios have kind of admitted they’re not in the business of doing anything else. The slightest level of irony or intelligence and, boom, you’re done.”  A Fox exec responded “Haha, ‘Fah-Q’ – I just got that,” and tripped over the curb.  [EW]
• This is a supposedly hilarious script called Balls Out which the writers, who call themselves The Robotard 8000, claim their agents refused to send out, so they’ve posted it online.  I’m gonna read it while I poop.[Robotard8000 (via cinematical)]
• Some talk show host no one’s heard of insulted Canada and Canadians are all pissed and indignant, especially about all the famous comedians who everyone forgets are from Canada.  Wait, you want us to thank you for Mike Myers now? [NationalPost]

I feel like I saw this a while ago, but it’s a slow news day so screw it: this is a short film by Brett Froomer about “the world’s oldest stoner.”  As every hack director in Hollywood knows, the quickest path to easy laughs is old people talking dirty or doing naughty things (see also: the career of Tyler Perry).  That said, I do enjoy watching this old guy smoke pot.  Maybe because he reminds me so much of my dad. Also, “Brett Froomer” sounds a type of vaporizer.

[via hailmaryjane]

The New York Post today has more information of the ridiculously expensive Spider-Man musical for which U2 wrote the music (as if you needed to know more than that).

The phrase “Broadway musical” doesn’t seem grand enough to convey the size and scope of “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark,” [Ed Note: ???] which is due to open in New York in January 2010.  Spider-Man, added director Julie Taymor, “is not going to sing and dance in tights.”

Hmm.  It’s a broadway show about a guy who wears tights. How the hell else could it possibly go?

A better description of her show, she suggested, is a “circus rock-’n'-roll drama.”  [Ahh, our bad] As Spider-Man, Peter clashes with a parade of Marvel villains — Green Goblin, Carnage, Electro, Rhino, Swarm and Lizard.  Berger and Taymor have invented a new baddie for the show — Swiss Miss, whose costume, designed by Oscar winner Eiko Ishioka (“Bram Stoker’s Dracula”), consists of rotating knives and swirling corkscrews.

I know this probably goes without saying, but the decision-making of the folks in charge here really isn’t inspiring much hope. Spider-Man has been around for 47 years now, and yet they decided they needed a new villain, which they promptly named after hot chocolate.  And anyway, if I were naming a Spider-Man villian after sweets (and let’s be clear, I’m not) I would’ve gone with… LORNA DOOM!

At the end of Eastern Promises (SPOILER ALERT), we find out Viggo Mortensen’s character is really an undercover British agent.  Between the open ending and the fact that Watchmen and Forgetting Sarah Marshall exposed America’s appetite for full-frontal male nudity (dudity), the time is ripe for a sequel.

“We are moving forward with it,” Cronenberg told MTV News in an exclusive chat. “We all are excited about the idea of doing a sequel.”

The “we” includes Mortensen, who was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar for his role as Nikolai; the film’s screenwriter, Steven Knight; original producer Paul Webster; and original studio, Focus Features.

“We are going to have a meeting very soon between me, Steve Knight and Paul Webster to discuss what the script would be,” Cronenberg said “If all goes well, Steve goes away and writes a great script. If we all like it, we make it.”

I’m a Cronenberg fan, but Eastern Promises was far from his best work.  In this day and age, there’s just no excuse for poorly choreographed fight scenes.  I know a thing or two about naked fights to the death in a Russian bath and I demand realism dammit.

Holy hell, take a look at these incendiary new posters for Sherlock Holmes and New Moon (the Twilight sequel) from the ShoWest convention in Las Vegas.  Man, what was I thinking skipping this event!  (My favorite is the Hangover poster. Babies in sunglasses = Win. Always.)

[more pictures at comingsoon]