YOU HAD ME AT ‘LORENZO LAMAS’
03.06.09
I didn’t want to ruin the surprise by putting it at the top of the post, but if you scroll down, you’ll see a poster for what may be the greatest premise and the most perfectly cast film of all time. That’s right, it’s MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS, STARRING DEBORAH GIBSON AND LORENZO LAMAS. I keep trying to say that three times fast but I can’t get past one without ejaculating (kinda like my sex life). I’m assuming Lorenzo Lamas plays the octopus, because everyone knows he gets handsy after a couple cocktails. I’m also assuming that at some point, in that moment of eerie calm right before the sh-t hits the fan, Debbie Gibson will turn to him and say, “…I think we’re alone now.”
UPDATE: As astute commenter Deux-Deux-Deux points out, “I Think We’re Alone Now” was Tiffany, not Debbie Gibson. My mistake. And by ‘astute’ I mean of course ‘totally queer’. (Should’ve wikipedia’d that. Sorry.)
[hat tip - Twitch]
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Wow, I am literally being pulled into the monitor right now by the suckitude of this.
OK, maybe not literally.
This movie is a preview of this years NHL Western Conference Finals.
:::Shout-out to the four hockey fans who got that:::
Nice Donk. Very nice.
BTK, I’m rooting for the Octopus. (I hate the fucking Sharks.)
So it’s like Kramer vs. Kramer without the laughs?
Mega Shark and Giant Octopus is what I get in my Super Campechana.
:::Shout-out to the only other Mexican here who gets that:::
I vaguely remember seeing a cartoon version of this online somewhere. Debbie Gibson’s character had very round eyes and a little plaid skirt, and she was being “attacked” by the octopus. I think I saw the shark jerking off in the corner, but it was all pixellated.
They should get Nadya Suleman to play the octopuss.
*SPOILER ALERT*
Giga-Bear comes in and destroys them both.
This is kind of like the Nick Fury movie with Lisa Rinna and The Hoff, but amazingly lower budget and MORE shitty! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!
I understand this movie was written by Lorenzo and Debbie’s agent after failing to get them onto Celebrity Apprentice.
We’re gonna need a bigger Roy Scheider.
Fek, did you say Lisa Rinna?
I haven’t seen her since that press conference where she was denying the rumors that she wrote and recorded ‘Funkytown’.
I haven’t jerked off to Debbie Gibson since i found out she was over 18 back in 1998 and i’m not going to start now.
(Lisa Rinna is my Chuck Norris)
That octopus is the only thing in the world capable of producing enough ink for Ron Perlman to get his Mike Tyson face tattoo.
The world will look up and shout “Save Us!”.
And I’ll whisper back…”Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus”
And they’ll stand there a second and then go, “Really?”
And then I’ll shrug my shoulders, do a Woody Allen thing with my hands and say “Yep. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus”
*Lamas rushes into the lab where Gibson is staring at some test tubes*
Lamas: Dr. There’s a huge shark fighting a huge octopus, what do we do?
Gibson: I say we root for the Octopus. If it wins, the Japanese will be all over that shit.
Lamas: What if the shark wins?
Gibson: Then we’ll have to create a giant bottlenosed dolphin
Lamas (on the phone): Get me the President!
You happy Watchmen purists…You wanted a fucking squid so fucking badly on screen Hollywood gave us a Lorenzo Llamas Debbie fucking Gibson team up. I hope you all rot in hell for what you’ve done.
Yes, He said Lisa Rinna.
I’d like to show Debbie my hammerhead, gnome sayin?
Mega Shark is my spirit animal.
Very clever, Donk.
I’ve been holding out for a Tiffany/Peter North flick that features a drowning.
I’m also assuming that at some point, in that moment of eerie calm right before the sh-t hits the fan, Debbie Gibson will turn to him and say, “…I think we’re alone now.”
Will that start a cat-fight with Tiffany, since she sang that song?
I mean, GRRR!!! PRIMUS!!!!
I hear the chinese release of this movie is rid off all the violent action and instead cuts to a big family dinner half-way through the movie.
It is called Delicious No Scream Animals: Large Fish vs. Many Arms BBQ
In a world where regular sized sea animals wasn’t enough
Lorenzo Lamas is Zachery Explosion
Debbie Gibson is Cassandra Coitus
in
MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS
This movie is going to be a mega shart.
They said their love would conquer all…but would it be enough to overcome MEGA SHARK and GIANT OCTOPUS?
Oh shit, this was kinda like what Pauly wrote earlier.
Finally, they put all of my favorite things into one movie.
It seems that Mega Shark and Giant Octopus are fighting to get out of the theater.
TO DO:
Become a teen pop sensation – check
Do Broadway, gain credibility – check
Drop “Debbie”.. Deborah sounds more serious – check
Do PLAYBOY – check
Wait for Comeback – pending
Do American Idol spin off – check
Wait for Comeback – pending
Do Mega Shark and Giant Octopus with Lorenzo Lamas – check
Wait for Comeback – pending
It’s okay, Vince. You were just lost in her eyes. It’s a common problem among electric youth.
You know how I know you’re gay? Vince told me.