G-Force, Jerry Bruckheimer’s movie about guinea pig spies (featuring Nic Cage as the voice of Speckles, the star-nosed mole) has a poster, and it’s every bit as nauseatingly pandering as you’d expect. Sunglasses on forehead? Check. Guinea pig with faux hawk? Check. Gun fingers? You betcha.

For some reason I feel compelled to articulate why I so f-cking loathe Jerry Bruckheimer to the core of my being, so here goes: it’s not just that he makes crappy movies, because a lot of people make crappy movies.  It’s that his movies are so transparently contrived, so unabashedly and efficiently formulaic; it’s like he just studies whatever godawful sh-t is making money at the time and with no sense of personal taste whatever, steals elements from each to construct a newer, slicker, stinkier piece of sh-t.  And it’s not about “hating the player,” it’s about expecting the player to have one speck of personality, one single solitary molecule of individuality. It’s his utter disdain for his audience, and not in an interesting, David Lynch sort of way either.  The subtext of everything he makes is, “Hey, you pigs like sh-t, right?  Well here’s a whole heapin’ trough full!  Git r done!”

So there it is, Bruckheimer.  You can take your millions of dollars and you can just go suck eggs while I celebrate this moral victory in my cum-stained underpants.