FANTASTIC FOUR REBOOT: DO NOT WANT.
03.09.09
The Fantastic Four movies are the perfect counterpoint to stuff like The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 2 in the argument over whether comic-book movies are good or bad. What kind of idiots would want to reboot that mongoloid orgy, you ask? Guess. Go ahead. Come on, if you’ve been reading this site longer than a day I’m sure you’ll get it. That’s right, of course it’s Fox. Says rumor source IESB:
The two films previously released never really caught on with the fans and the studio is reportedly looking to completely retool, recast and recrew the franchise. The franchise is looking to be “less bubble gum” this time round following the Iron Man template, which was a complete success in reviews and box office take but a bit darker when it came to its superhero.
If Fox is doing it, expect the re-do to be just as bad as the do. That is to say, more do-do. (See what I did there?) If you don’t believe me, just take a look at a clip from Dragonball after the jump. That’s a recent, comic-booky Fox project. And yet, it looks like it was filmed in the 30s. In all seriousness, what the hell is going on at that company? They must spend their board meetings playing head’s up 7up.
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They should base the re-do[do] on the video game based on the movie based on the cartoon, not the comic book.
Retards.
They should do it in Tim Burton claymation. I mean, it’ll still suck horse cock, but at least you’ll get more emotional depth out of the actors that way.
Well, I think I speak for myself and the small, male concubine blowing me at this moment, when I say that we are ready to get our FLAME ON, again.
I’m still convinced that the Fantastic 4 is a metaphor for taking shits. I mean, think about it: at first, you’ve got your sphincter streeeeetching. Then comes that illusive invisible shit; the one where you feel it come out, hear the kerplunk, but there is nothing in the bowl. Then, once your ass is finished fucking around, then we move to the heat; the kind of shit that can only be measured in kelvin. Last, finally after all the other bullshit, your ass finally drops the rock and you can smell what you’ve been cooking.
I remember the first time I ever saw a Fantastic 4 comic: It was Spring. My uncle took me out into the wood shed, removed the rolled up Fantastic 4 comic from his back pocket and then opened it, only to reveal an S&M magazine hiding inside.
They could save a shitload if they cast Gerald Posner as Ben Grimm.
*weekly beer night at T.G.I.Friday’s with FOX execs*
Chad: “Haha, alright you fucker, but if I DO finish all of my Sesame Jack Chicken Strips, then you have to re-make a re-make to Fantastic 4! Haha, fuck you, bro!”
If they call it 4antastic, maybe.
P.S. Dr. Manhattan? Fantastic Foreskin.
I want to sit in on a FOX studios staff meeting. It has to be like tea with the Mad Hatter. And the one guy with enough brains to say “This might not work as a feature length film” gets disemboweled and eaten by the rest of the room.
It couldn’t possibly be as good as the 1994 version of the Fantastic Four.
Give Fox a little credit — it’s not easy to cast an ensemble franchise where the actors become less employable over time. It’s shit pile genius.
This Re-boot needs some Uproxx…
*Waits another 20 minutes for page to load so I can view comment*
One guy has the power of a condom and anther’s catch phrase is flame on. How dark do they think they’re really going to go with the re-boot?
I only want to see this in “Gangbang” form with the ol’ cum-omelette ending.
My only real question about the Fantasy Foursome is “Who the he’ll decided to put a blonde wig on a Mexican and think that made her Sue Storm?”
My ex-girlfriend made a movie about our sex life.
It’s called
Fantastic ForeplayFantastic Four SecondsFantastic Four InchesIt Wasn’t Very Good.
Dear Mr. Mancini,
I happen to have ready access to one of the very few privately owned M124 Miniguns in the U.S.
If you will only cover the cost of ammunition and provide a detailed location I will be happy to demonstrate the amazing power of the M124 on the Uproxx servers.
Please provide 10,000 rounds of 7.62 X 51mm Nato rounds and accurate Google Earth coordinates.
Thank you.
Keep Chicklis. Ditch the rest. Vic Mackey was the only thing good about this movie. Pretty much like he was on FX
The elected chairman at Fox board meetings is a skateboard.
At Fox board meetings the skateboard and the surfboard never find common ground.
As long as Tim Story doesn’t direct it could be ok.
Did that motherfucker even read the comics or when someone told him that Galactus was a massive planet eating entity, did he just say “No, no, that’ll be too expensive to do, let’s just make him a big puffy cloud, nobody will notice”.
First time I ever threw my shoe at the screen in the theatre. I mean really, who ever thought he’d get work again after making “Taxi”?