500 DAYS OF MOM PANTS
03.05.09
After the jump, I’ve got the new trailer for Zooey Deschanel/Joseph Gordon-Levitt rom-dramedy 500 Days of Summer, and no matter how many glowing reviews I read, certain things about it just make me wonder what the hell they were thinking. The beginning of the trailer, for instance, with Zooey wearing those godawful mom pants (oh my God, it’s so hip and edgy how ugly you can make yourself look!), and on top of it, she and Levitt have to have a conversation about their mutual love of the Smiths. HEY, DIDN’T THIS EXACT SCENE ALREADY HAPPEN IN GARDEN STATE? Oh, nevermind, that was THE SHINS. MY MISTAKE. Ugh….
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{Pulls up Sansbelt pants up to nipple line}
What’s the problem with those pants VaLince? You wanna throw down?
I applaud your ability to tell these movies apart, Vince.
Vince criticizes the way some people dress, but I don’t see you wearing capri’s every day, now do I? Let’s see you criticize this blouse.
Somewhere Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zachary Ty Bryant are planning a monster comeback.
*chodin enters thread wearing a diaper*
Wait a fucking second…you’re telling me that all your mothers wore pants?
*takes off mom’s diaper*
Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the kind of guy you look at and wonder “why didn’t he get the Parkinson’s instead of Michael J. Fox?”
I like to hangout in elevators and wait for the bitches to come to me. Then, right when the crappy music inside reaches the apex of it’s melody, I like to turn to the girl and chuckle, “Haha, oh man, this sucks. Heh, this is the last song you’re ever going to hear before you die.”
Wait a second: if THOSE are mom pants, then what are THESE!?!
*chodin removes the bottom half of a woman that he was wearing*
she and Levitt have to have a conversation about their mutual love of the Smiths.
I wonder if the story of this film takes place in Oregon. Many of my neighbors were named Smith there, and they were always very polite.
Jesus Christ, I bet this movie smells like when I jack off on top of my Urban Outfitters catalog.
FINALLY! And you fags all looked at me like I was some sort of lunatic complaining about the excitable tabs (which I though His Highness had fixed, incidentally. I want that nekkid picture of me back, Vance).
Are kids these days all insufferable nerds?
That’s all I’m getting from that screen cap.
Mom pants? I can get into those… gnome sayin?
Oh I got the thousand tags attack many many times before Alacutness. I just chose not to harsh the good times by bitching about it. Sheesh.
{Rolls eyes, gets shot in the cock for the second time today}
That’s one mighty bullet-proof johnson you got there, big guy.
Call me.
Well, I guess they beat me to it. Fuck you, fuck this, fuck that: I’m out.
* tears up recently completed script for “500 Days of That Ball Draining Whore” *
Shit like this makes me glad I grew up in the 90′s.
{Puts on flannel shirt, turns off pager, slams heroine to Black Hole Sun}
{Looks around for Jack!, shrugs}
Bullet Proof Johnson would be an awesome name for a band.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt once tried to conduct an orchestra, but the musicians couldn’t follow him. His left eye said Crescendo! His right eye said Decrescendo!
Seriously though, he freaks me out. Those eyes are fucking triangular.
Funny, they used to call me anal girl in college too.
They have matching hair, so they’re destined for each other.
I bet he has a pony tail hiding back there.
Crappy, are you an evil leprechaun spewing vile rainbows at me?
WTF, is everyone afraid of the tabs? EMBRACE the maddening tabs, people. Make sweet, sweet love to the angry tabs and turn them into tabs of fanciful delight. Then lose all your work and restart your ‘pooter.
I’d fuck Zooey Deschanel, but only so that later, at a Katy Perry concert, I can yell from the front row, “I THINK I HAD VERY DISAPPOINTING SEX WITH YOU!!!”.
Zooey’s wearing mom pants, Joseph’s wearing a cardigan. Its a metaphor for being a hipster douche.
*Cue Morrissey-soundtracked montage of the two of them pining for one another*
Mom Pants give women the camel toe that goes up to the belly button.
That’s called camel hoof.
If nerds get pussy, then fuck it: I’m all in, baby.
*throws head back and dumps another box of Nerds down throat*
“Mom Pants give women the camel toe that goes up to the belly button.”
It’s called: I HAVE A FUCKING ASS ON THE FRONT OF MY FUCKING BODY!!!!
“Congratulations, Mrs. Deschanel – it’s a girl! Have you thought of a name?”
**Overhears patient in the next room having epidural-induced hallucinations that make her think she’s a hog caller**
“Just now, yes!”
Garden State II: The Secret Of The Ooze
Zooey Deschanel is hot. I mean, we’re talking “I’d fuck her until her bangs grew out” hot.
A Smiths come on had better be wrapped in fucking mommy pants. Age appropriate and hides the cut marks.
Mom Pants remind me of getting walked in on while beating of to the bra section in her Sears catalogue.
<== Lo Pan
But if the evil lepre/vile rainbow thing works for ya…
Wow, there was a page 2 huh. Fuck context.
I’m going to throw a hyphen in my name. From here on out I will be known as Pauly Dangerously-Willfuckyouwithablankstareonhisface.
Address me as such.
ABSOLUTE TRUTH – My brother tried to erase the bras in the Sears catalog.
sure thing, such
The porn take off of this 500 days of Summer’s Eve is not something to share with the fam over a nacho night din din.
Trust this.
Do I have to keep the gag going and spell it shcu?
Mom pants are cool cuz you get to wear pockets on your back. A fannyback, if you will.
NEW UP!!!
Heavens to murgatroid! Work to do! Exit stage right!
{blasts off screen to left leaving smoke puff in form of major league pitcher throwing fast ball}
I can’t wait until Structure shirts and Zubaz come back. Come on Kanye!
I’m pretty sure a threesome with the Deschanel girls (this one plus the chick from Bones) would be just about as close to flawless victory as one can come.