WOLVERINE HAS BONE CLAWS?
02.16.09I’m not exactly a comic book scholar, so a lot of things about this TV spot for X-Men Origins: Wolverine came as a surprise to me. For one thing, Wolverine apparently grew up in the antebellum south (or in whatever setting it is in which they use flint-lock pistols and have chandeliers made of antlers). For another, his claws are made out of bone. I always thought the claws were added on when they covered his skeleton in adamantium, but according to Wikipedia, it was revealed in 1993 that he’d always had claws of bone. As writer Peter Allen David told comicbookresources:
Actually, what happened was that we were all discussing how we were going to have Magneto’s return be a big deal. The other writers were bouncing around the notion of a huge Magneto/Wolverine slugfest and I said, thinking out loud, “Boy, y’know, if I’m Magneto, I don’t even bother with Wolverine. I just yank out his skeleton and be done with him.” And there was dead silence for a moment, and then everyone looked at me and said, “That’s a great idea.”
And I said, “No, it’s not.”
And they said, “Yeah! It’ll be a great visual!”
I said, “Well, sure, but then he’s dead. He can’t survive having his entire skeleton ripped out.”
“He has a healing factor!”
“Healing factor?! If you rip out his whole skeleton, he’s a pile of flesh on the floor! He’ll be a healed pile of flesh! What’ll he do? Ooze at people?!”
See, my vision of it was that Magneto ripped out the entire skeleton, not just excises the adamantium that was laced into it. Figures that my biggest contribution to X-continuity was simply voicing a passing thought.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve already committed this whole story to memory and added it to my mental database, filed under: “reasons I don’t get laid.”


Hey, who fucking leaked the pics of the BTK Raders Weekend Fishing Trip????
failblog.org/2009/02/15/titanic-fail-2/
(work safe)
Damn, those child actors were really fucking good, like, we’re talking Degrassi: The Next Generation good.
or in whatever setting it is in which they use flint-lock pistols and have chandeliers made of antlers
Ted Nugent’s house.
I remember my first bone claw… so does my old pastor.
[puts on comic geek hat]
Marvel really fucked themselves with a shitty origin story for Wolverine. He was better off as “unknown”. They revealed it in the shittiest way possible, too. What good is it if the audience knows Wolverine’s origin, but we do not explore and discover it with him?
Then again, that has just been the comic industry the past 15 years or so, they just keep killing the goose that lays the golden egg.
[takes off comic nerd hat, firmly replaces Star Trek nerd hat]
Fek, you alright buddy? Maybe one of us should carry the ring for a while?
The first draft of this script was written in Cheeto.
Hey, wow. A guy with three first names writing comic books. That’s a big surprise.
Beating Donkey’s horse:
“…or in whatever setting it is in which they use flint-lock pistols and have chandeliers made of antlers..”
I think I fucked a chick who used to work at that restaurant.
Wow Fek,
Put that hat back on for a minute and explain why Archie was always after Veronica instead of Betty. Who turns down a willing blonde for a stuck up brunette?
“What’ll he do? Ooze at people?”
My whorex’s vag had that power, it was terrifying.
Brad Pitt, TengoDooter.
If I was an X-Man, my origin story would involve the year 1984, my parents on mushrooms and a broken condom.
“Brad Pitt, TengoDooter.”
Point taken.
So Wolverine has a few extra bones in his hands? It’s totally gay to cross swords in some dude’s hand.
I feel adamantium’s greatest contribution was the Laserdisc.
“And then Eugene put some Bugles on his fingertips and he said, ‘I’m Lady Deathstrike!’ Oh man, we all sprayed our Capri Suns out our noses!”
I once had a wet dream about my mom, I mean, this Wolverine movie looks great.
WOLVERINE BONES SANTA CLAUS?
Magneto got pissed when he tried to rip out Wolverine’s skeleton but discovered that adamantium isn’t magnetic.
“That’s not ferrous!” he exclaimed.
Fact: The Mighty Feklahr once had a wet dream about Hilary Clinton.
Fact: The Mighty Feklahr once had a dream about being Batman and He had this cool “Submarine-Batsuit” that could go underwater! Not technically a wet dream, but you get the idea.
*Peter Allen David finally has sex with a girl*
Girl: “Oh, Peter!!!!”
Peter Allen David: “Ohhhhhh…”
Girl: “Allen!!!!”
Peter Allen David: “Yes!!!!!”
Girl: “David!!!!!”
Peter Allen David: “Janeen!!!!”
Girl: “Kimbo Slice!!!!!!”
Peter Allen David: “The FUCK!?!?”
LOL! He should tell you guys the story about the vibrating anal eggs some day!
“One of the other writers was like, ‘If he has blades in his hands, why doesn’t Wolverine ever shave his face or cut his hair?’ and then I was like, ‘Shut the fuck up, Greg!’. Then we all started talking about Magneto.”
EDWARD PENISHANDS HAS BONER CLAWS?
Ironically, Hugh Jackman once boned Adam Ant.
Wolverine told his nose, “I have a bone to pick you with.”
Bone Claws in harmony.
I still want to know how he can bend his wrist with the claws retracted.
FAKE! FAAAAYYYYK!!
Jesus Christ, I can’t even begin to imagine how an Australian actor prepares to play a Canadian.
*shiver runs down spine*
He would get shit faced on LaBatt’s and fuck a snow bank.
Boner clause: Consult your physician if erection lasts for more than 4 hours.
Lance got off easy. The last time I tried a Wikipedia search on Wolverine, a brick flew through my fucking window with a note attached saying “UR GAY”.
HA! The DJ on the radio jsut had a convo bleed through during a song as she was calling somebody a, “Backbiting cunt.”
ROTFJO!
The last time I tried a Wikipedia search on Wolverine, a brick flew through my fucking window with a note attached saying “UR GAY”.
Let’s be fair, though. You know I don’t have unlimited texting on my plan.
Caption for 2nd pic:
First communion.
I hate my job so fucking much today that I’m willing to go see Paul Blart w/ that dude from Craigs.
When you finish cleaning the bud off of the stems you are left with an indoskeleton.
Erswi, I don’t know what you do, but I don’t think any day at any job is worth being raped both visually and physically over.
Stone, then who the fuck are all of those guys in white hoods and robes who follow you everywhere?
Oh wait…that’s NOT your network?!?11?!!!!/1
*snaps on latex glove* Ok Mr. Jackman, now pull your knees to your chest.
Crap, ya lost Him at “bleed through”…
Wolverine Boneclaws is the name of my second life character. He owns a comic book shop and is married to Rogue Fucksabutt.
Chod, that’s my white power pack.
I want to see this movie about as bad as I want to stir my coffee with dirty anal beads.
Moclad . . . architect.
P.S. It’s not the job. It’s the phucking boss.
I just hope Wolverine got control of his bone claws before puberty.
Woverine’s mom once caught him playing with his bone claws. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy about having to sew the holes in his socks.
P.S. It’s not the job. It’s the phucking boss.
No, it’s the job.
I have to admit, there hasn’t been a single night where I don’t wake up in a dry sweat and scream out into the darkness, “Where the fuck did that wolverine come from?!?!?!”.
I, of course, am talking about the time my parents died on the camping trip.
From personal experience: having bones claws is way less embarrassing for a kid than getting caught jacking off to USA Up All Night.
Had a look at the comicbookresources link. Which demographic is the Plasmer character meant to appeal to? Female bare knuckle fighters?
I imagine Wolverine sat in the corner alot during orgies, just twiddling his claw bones.
Stoney-No, it’s the phucking boss.
Gary Busey was pulling endocrine systems out of peoples bodies long before Peter Allen David could even write “im so lonely” over and over in his journal.
I think Plasmer is supposed to appeal to 80′s Cher fans.
Wolverine fucking sucks at teather ball.
If I had Hugh Jackman strapped to a medical bed, you can bet the last thing I’d be thinking about is sticking adamantium inside him…
I’m talking about chatting him up for hot gossip from the set of ‘Australia’, fags.
I just don’t see how homeboy can have such a lovely chest without introducing pushups into his workout regime?
I’m still holding out for ‘Sexman:Organs’.
Wolvering text’d me:
Whyey duid yioud- teldkl tehme- Thadty I w Was gayys forr?
-Wolverine
*Logan reaches into super hero name hat*
Logan: “Haha, alright you guys, who’s the funny dude that dropped ‘Boner Claws’ into the hat? Greg? Was it you, Greg? Haha, fucking Greg…”
I’m far more interested in boner maws.
Logan, huh? Never trust a dude with boner fingers named after an airport with a wide stance.
fuck grammar
PETER, ALLEN, DAVID!! THERE’S A FIRE IN THE BARN!!
In my version of this movie the character is from the speculum south, and is played by ‘Hugh Jasshole’.
I get the whole claws, and being half-mutant and all, but does he have to style his hair like Ace Ventura?
Origins my ass. Wolverine wasn’t even one of the original X-Men. He’s just a character that epitomises 12yo nerds fandom. Seriously someone’s son made him up on that bring your child to work day shit.
Also I’ve been waiting so patiently for Gambit, but not like this! Not like this…
Magneto actually did rip the Adamantium out of Wolverine in the “X-Men” comic of the 90s. He separated the metal off of his bones and pulled it through the skin. That’s how the figured out he had bone claws all along.
Pssssh.