That’s right, it’s my birthday.  Which means I wrote this post yesterday, when I wasn’t hungover and covered in filth and shame. And yes, my birthday is more important than the Oscars.

Movie titles if they were honest. [CollegeHumor]

17 Oscar Categories We’d Like to See. Wait, Anne Hathaway got naked in Rachel Getting Married? Don’t toy with me. [ScreenJunkies]

Mr. Bananas writes editorial on recent monkey* attack. [HolyTaco]

Seriously? Glenn Danzig’s going to be on Rock of Love? I’m only on board with this if at some point he commands a contestant to “MASTABATE ME/AND THEN SLURP IT FROM YA PAAALM…” [AfroJacks]

The Oscar Speech Generator is pretty sweet. You can read what I got after the jump. [Atom]

DO NOT WANT. Fruitcake says Dragonball 2 has already been written. [Scifinow]

Chuck Norris tells Haley Joel Osment he has AIDS. This clip is both old and well-known, but I never get tired of it. [Videogum]

And speaking of AIDS, check out this AIDS-related poster auction.  I’m only bidding to help Haley Joel. [CHUD]

20 Movies You Didn’t Know Won Oscars. [BestWeekEver]

*I realize a chimp technically isn’t a monkey. Monkey still sounds better. Now stop emailing me.

“Thank you so much. But really, it’s just an honor to be nominated alongside so many other Mexicans. I want to thank my agent, who stuck with me after I was found queefing that cheetah. I’d like to also thank my Ox-like family, and porno sphincter. I better stop now before I say something Chinese. Thank you, and Yahtzee!!”

I swear that was my first one.