OOOH, YOU’RE SO EDGY, E.W.!
02.19.09
I f-cking hate lists. Everyone on the internet constantly spews inane monkey shit and puts numbers next to it and calls it a “Top (blank) List.” And people click on that shit because we’re all simple f-cking shitheads when it comes right down to it. And because people click on it, other people throw more shit and put more numbers next to it and more shitheads read that shit and before you know it it’s all a big shitty shit party which brings us to today. The shitheads at Entertainment Weekly made a list of the “Top 25 Greatest Active Directors”, which I read because I’m a shithead, and now I’m sharing it with you shitheads:
1. Steven Spielberg
2. Peter Jackson
3. Martin Scorsese
4. Christopher Nolan
5. Steven Soderbergh
6. Ridley Scott
7. Quentin Tarantino
8. Michael Mann
9. James Cameron
10. Joel and Ethan Coen
11. Guillermo del Toro
12. David Fincher
13. Tim Burton
14. Judd Apatow
15. Sam Raimi
16. Zack Snyder
17. Darren Aronofsky
18. Danny Boyle
19. Clint Eastwood
20. Ron Howard
21. Ang Lee
22. Paul Thomas Anderson
23. Paul Greengrass
24. Pedro Almodóvar
25. Jon Favreau
Steven Spielberg at number 1! Oh my gosh, I never saw that one coming! Steven Spielberg is like the Brett Farve of filmmaking. He’s not bad at what he does (and I admit I loved Minority Report as much as I hated The Terminal) and he seems like a nice enough guy, but so many people suck him off so often that part of you just wishes he’d get stung to death by bees. And Peter Jackson? F-ck off. I fell asleep during the first hobbit movie and I only sat through the others to see if Frodo and Sam would finally buttf-ck each other. So anyway, congratulations on making us all sit though yet another asinine quantification of intangibles, you goddamned smelly pukefaced yak touchers.
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Shit.
What do they think, porn directs itself?
You fell asleep?? I cried during Lord of the Rings.
When I came back from the bathroom, I accidentally sat on my balls.
Jon Favereu???? Are you fucking serious. I love Iron Man. If that film were a chic I’d fuck it and even call it the next day. But before Iron Man Fav did Elf, Zathura, and Made. Alfonso Cuaron did Children of Men and a Harry Potter movie I actually liked and he ain’t on this list. Jesus, Paul Thomas Anderson is Only 3 away from the guy that directed a Faison Love Will Farrell movie and is 9 under Judd Apatow?
Quentin Tarantino’s Daily List
1. Wake up
2. Jerk off to Enter the 36 Chambers
3. Have rambling conversation with yourself about Sid Haig
4. Eat a baby
5. Go to sleep
Judd Apatow? Really? I have a lot of problems with this list – Clint Eastwood and Ang Lee below Zack Snyder, James Cameron even being on the list when he hasn’t directed a movie in 12 years – but none is as retarded as Judd “Here’s some regular guys doing regular stuff, aren’t they funny? They’re so funny I’m not going to move my camera or exercise any sort of visual style whatsoever” Apatow.
The ’25 Greatest Directors’ title was actually a last minute edit. It was originally called ’25 Directors Our Readers Might Recognize’, and was alphabetical.
PIC CAPTION: What a Napoleon Dynamite wet dream looks like.
Awesome, sounds like Vance is having the same kind of day I am.
What, no Reny Harlin?! FAIL.
Ron Howard?
I’m too shocked to even make a rape joke.
I thought the caption was the “entertainment” for the Slumdog Millionaire cast?
“Hello Moe’s…”
“Yes – I’m looking for my friend Al – Al Paca.”
“AL PACA! IS THERE AN AL PACA HERE?”
No Michael Bay?
You’ll pay for this EW! Boom!
llama llama llama llama llama
oooohhh a snaaaaake a snaaaaaaake oooohh nooooo
llama llama llama llama llama
If EW made the top 25 worse directors, it would be the same list backwards.
They should direct my dick into their mouth cavity.
No matter how many times He reads this list, The Mighty Feklahr still cannot find Rob Zombie on it!
Hrmmmm…. no M. Night Shamandong either. E.W., your credibility has just risen 0.3 microprops.
No Tyler Perry? I call bullshit!
As soon as Mel Gibson received his copy of Entertainment Weekly, he stripped naked, smeared cat shit on his forehead, ran outside and called the telephone pole a dirty Jew.
Wait until he sees this list…
Somewhere, George Lucas is looking at this list and wondering if that contract with Nerd Satan was really worth it.
#26. Miley Cyrus
Pfft. I call bullshit. That can’t be really be in this week’s EW. It has nothing to do with Twilight.
Clint Eastwood is rated much higher on the Top 25 Deceased Directors LIst.
Quentin Tarantino’s Daily List
1. Wake up
2. Jerk off to Enter the 36 Chambers
3. Have rambling conversation with yourself about Sid Haig
4. Eat a baby
5. Go to sleep
Bullshit. How could the man eat an entire baby every day and still stay so thin?
The average E.W. reader will likely mistake this list for half of the crossword answers from last week’s puzzle.
#1,576- Travis The Monkey
#1,577- Michael Bay
Martin Scorcese would be #1 if “The Aviator” was about a midget with a rocket pack who flies through an alternate universe defeating monsters and trying to save his home planet from a huge mouth with psychic abilities.
That probably would’ve been funnier if it read like this:
The average E.W. reader will wonder why the word ‘DOWN’ does not appear above that list.
#32. Ashton Kutcher… whenever he decides to get into directing, ’cause you fucking know its going to happen.
Suspiciously missing from the list: Carl, the guy who likes to direct traffic on 53rd in an open hospital gown.
Martin Scorsese would have been #1 if “The Departed” was about a guy in a hat with a whip who tries to save important dead people artifacts while running away from governments and tribes that are curiously passionate about said artifacts.
As soon as Mel Gibson received his copy of Entertainment Weekly, he stripped naked, smeared cat shit on his forehead, ran outside and called the telephone pole a dirty Jew.
Wait until he sees this list…
I couldn’t care less. There are some damn fine names on that list.
……plus Hollywood is run by the damn black-balling jews
Seltzer & Freidberg are top of the (attentiondeficit/hyper)Active(disorder) Directors list.
.
Shut up.
….. or in the case of Sammy David JR black-BALLED Jews
Most E.W. readers think that Guillermo del Toro is the more expensive brand of taco kit. You know, in the yellow box.
Why no John Waters?
What a fucking joke! Uwe Boll never gets the respect he so rightfully deserves.
Awwwwwwwww snap!
John Woo is gonna release some white doves on that ass.
*picks teeth*
You guys are fags. You read the list.
*sticks toothpick in ass, wanders off*
Know what makes a good director? Same thing that makes a good kindergarten teacher. The ability to film your subjects without getting arrested.
Surely Keenan Ivory Ebony Jamahl Wayans deserves a spot on such a shit list.
Good directors are made by good actors. I’d be well-known too if you could find me a group of actresses who don’t scream when I drop my pants and finger my asshole while yelling “THIS IS YOUR FUCKING MOTIVATION!”
Keenan Ivory Wayans isn’t on that list for a reason, Thumby: Further proof that no one likes Spike Lee.
Next week’s EW is going to feature a list of 32 actresses whose names we can remember off the tops of our heads. Should be fascinating.
BETW’s list looks a lot different.
… and it only has five names on it.
They would’ve put together a list of Inactive Directors but they realized “Inactive” could mean dead or fat guy and having a list consisting of DeMille and Kevin Smith wouldn’t work very well.
Something tells me that this is not the first nor the last time Zack Snyder has been under Sam Raimi
BETW put the extra T in their name to let the West Coast rappers know they’re fucking serious. You have a problem with that, fag?
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKINGGGGGGGGGGGG FURST!
There’s a fucking giraffe in that picture trying to pass itself off as a llama.
26. Chachi from Happy Days
27. Vern Troyer
28. Captain Kangaroo
29. Roger Lodge
30. Brett Ratner
According to his IMDB page (hey, I’m a nerd!), Zack Snyder has no less than SEVEN features to be released in the next three years.
This explains his insane use of slo-mo … dude has coke and/or speed crammed in every orifice. That’s what his world fucking looks like!.
!.
Fuck.
There’s a giraffe in that picture trying to pass itself off as a llama.
That’s how they do, Donk. That’s how they do.
I heard that the llama won that giraffe suit in a giraffle. BTW, if you rape a giraffe, is it called girape, and if you make a gyro from a giraffe, is it tasty?
This looks a lot like Spike Lee’s shit list.
Indeed it is.
Oliver Stone is going to make a movie about this list.
And the director’s cut will be 3 and a half hours long.
Surely E.W. could have found a more tactful way to let the world know that Woody Allen is dead.
George Romero is the only name on the list of the Greatest Undead Directors.
Upon reading this list, Tony Scott called his brother, said “fuck you”, then hung up.
Ridley’s used to that.
I wish this was Schindler’s list
Breaking News. Sam Mendes just hung himself. Strangely, unlike his movies…this news ain’t depressing.
I wish this was Schindler’s list
Going by the names, I’m sure at one time it was.
Clint Eastwood should win Best Director for finding a restroom before he shit himself again.
Peter Jackson calls his shits “The Jackson 5 Pounder” during Black History month.
‘Paul Greengrass’ is my pot dealing alias.
Okay well, only when my Step-Dad wants me to find some weed for him.
I think David Fincher tried to friend me on Facebook…
Steven Soderbergh read his name on the list and said “Who?”
Did you see Rihanna’s face ???
http://fatlacemagazine.uproxx.com/?p=4024
Uh Oh. Looks like someone forgot to put on their L’Oreal.
Come on Chris….you gotta follow through when you hit a bitch.
Where the fuck is Fred Durst?
there must be a type-o…the coen brothers are clear cut no1….anyone who shoots brad pitt in the face on film is genius.
Didn’t Hitler have some home movies? Talk about biased! Mel Gibsons onto something!