“Did you hear something?”
Darren Lynn Bousman, director of Saws I-IV and the Paris-Hilton-starring goth musical Repo! The Genetic Opera – easily the last movie I’d ever want to sit through outside of gay porn – has announced that his next project will be about a diamond heist set on a submarine. You might wonder what one does with diamonds on a submarine. Duh – look fabuloooussss.
Bousman says AKULA is “very different” from the other films he’s directed. For those wondering what the hell the title is about, an Akula is a nuclear-powered attack submarine. The film is based on a script by Mark Distefano and an old logline that I tracked down online (from when the film was titled THE AKULA JOB) describes the film thusly: A career criminal teams up with a DEA agent determined to pull off a diamond heist on a submarine. [JoBlo]
Something something Paris Hilton something “full of seamen” something something. Sorry, I got nothing. Heist movie on a submarine. Sounds f-cking great.
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LOL! Better than a fight movie in the basement of a hole in the wall bar!
…
GUY’CHA!
It’s Das Boot meets De Beers!
I will seriously punch any film critic who writes that…
Sometimes coming here really depresses me.
I need a hug.
{Slaps ass cheeks and pants fall to ground, raises arms}
Well if Bousman decides to go the tranny route again and suddenly backs out, at least the studio can rest in the knowledge that Brett Ratner will gladly step up to direct.
The crook escapes through the torpedo tube and is helped to land by trash-eating birds.
After all, diamonds are a gull’s best friend.
*continues to smash face with hammer*
Akula means shark in Russian.
I’ll give you a hug if you’ll put that thing away, Crappy.
Here’s how you write a script for a movie about a diamond heist inside a submarine:
1. Pick up pen.
2. Realize you’re writing a script about a diamond heist inside a fucking submarine.
3. Kill self.
AKULA is what Arnold Schwarzenegger uses to keep his drinks cold at the campsite.
“AKULA ma-tata!”
It means, “No fuckin’ WAY will anyone go see this movie!”
Denzel: No Gene, the last time I pulled your finger you shit your pants.
^^^ someone please nom Donk for me. Thousands of angry tabs. Terrifying.
without AKULA, Quantum Leap would have only starred Scott B.
This was inspired by the pearl heist in “The Cunt for Red Cocktober.”
This is as awsome an idea as terrorists hijacking a fucking train… AAARRRGH!!!
Hijacking = solo mile high club.
Wasn’t there a movie starring Akula and she was in a spelling bee?
Lester-The pearl was in the bearded clam, wasn’t it? WASN’T IT?!?!?!
{pulls up pants, but leaves fly open}
Which one Al?
{raises arms}
Akula was what they called the vampire before he finished med school.
Crappy, the Arnold Schwarzenegger one, thanks. For that, you can leave it out.
BTW, Harry Knowles finally may have written his masterpiece of the genre “novel-length suck-off of deginerate filmmakers and the mediocre shlockfests they scheme up while snorting coke off a toilet seat in a strip club.”
ht tp://www.aintitcool.com/node/40092
In homage to one of his own insipid formulations, he will forevermore be known to me as FUCKING CREEPY MAN!
You lying so low in the weeds
I bet you’re gonna ambush me
You’d have me down down down down on my knees
Now wouldnt you, barrAKULA?
Blakula’s mom only was only half finished slapping the black off of him when this was written.
I got an AKULA Job once. All I’ll say is, don’t ever ask a cheap hooker for an a.j. if you want to keep both of you testicles.
Whoever evaluates this DEA agent wants fucking firing. The guy sounds like a balloon; dreaming up heists for diamonds on submarines? No doubt he’ll be escaping on an invisible plesiosaurus called Dave.
AKrulla, subtitled The Glaive Beneath the Waves
Run Silent, Run Deep, just fuckin’ run.
OK, so I spent 5 min trying to piece that comment togather only to trip over my dick and stomp on Donk’s. Then get Filmdrunk to bust my ass for posting to fast for doing Al a favor.
FUCK MIKE!
I’m gonna go work.*
*work = helicopter my dick to the executive bathroom full length mirror, you know, for length.
Is this gonna suck? U-Bet.
together, fuck
Where is Das Piss Boot?
Akula is Luka’s brother, that lives upstairs.
Ummm… thanks C-dog.
*Hands over piss boot*
The guy in the background is doing his best impression of a periscope.
Oh, there it is. ** steps in front of Crapbasket and drains three fingers **
All yours, Pauly.
That guy’s rank? YEOWman, of course.
Donk, you mean a Pariscope?
I thought that was a procedure you had to undergo after being exposed to Ms. Hilton’s diseased party suite.
Well, we’ve lost the bleeps and we’ve lost the sweeps, but at least I found one of the creeps.
“We sunk a truck! Let’s get the hell out of here!”
/from favourite submarine movie.
Tom Klansy hates “Red Tide” more than any other cheap ripoff of one of his movies, except perhaps “The Women.”
The only cure for having come in contact with Paris Hilton’s vagina is a three-part cure consisting of Industrial scrubbing, scorching, and caustic soda. It’s not wholly unlike cleaning up a used reactor core.
Can I have a pissboot with a Jolly Rancher in it?
And maybe one of those cute little umbrellas?
Seriously, though, jewel heist on a submarine sounds like either the next Indy movie or National Treasure 3. So the Saw guys must be on the brink of figuring out the Hollywood formula.
*ritual suicide*
*fishes hairy gummi bear from back pocket, places in boot*
I am to please.
Also, aim.
I aim to piss
My kitchen counter says you need to work on that aim, Pauly.
*gets on knees and opens mouth*
You don’t understand. Akula had class. Akula been a contender. Akula been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.
Terry Malloy could have done with some Beavis and Butthead advice:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=It6VWk1yT5o
Sitting outside of gay porn doesn’t make you gay, Vince. The binoculars do that.
Don’t you mean binakulas?
Mr_Drummond,
Could you akula? You’re coming-off as a douche.
Love,
The Western Hemisphere.
Binakula is what idiots spray in their mouth before approaching trannies at a bar.
Like most salad greens, Arukula is very low in calories and is high in vitamins A and C.
You lose.
Place another quarter in and try again.
U-boat movies, huh? I find this genre of movie to neither good nor bad.
They’re sub par.
…which would make the plan to steal the diamonds a “sub plot”.
He should make THIS film a musical too, and call it “An Underwater SpectAKULA”!
Are you reading this, Darren Lynn? (cool middle name there, BTW)
My penis resembles a sub.
A meatball foot-long, with extra cheese.
There, that should durst it.
A Sub?
Is Mrs. Newell sick?
Oh thank God.
You assholes left me back in the Tom Hanks room and turned off the lights. I just now found my way out. This fucking place is like that movie Cube.
The use of a sub will guarantee some seriously heavy bass … fishing.
What’s that dripping from my foot-long sub?
Why, it’s a sweet teriyaki ejAKULAte.
Looks like I owe George Clooney five bucks, I bet they’d pitch this film to him as Oceans’ 14.