Formula for diversity: Two whites, a black and an Asian. What did Mexicans ever to do you, Milton Bradley?
If you didn’t think someone could come up with an idea infinitely more stupid than an Ouija Board movie, you obviously aren’t reading enough Hollywood news.
Universal Pictures is sweet on “Candy Land.” Studio has set Etan Cohen [Tropic Thunder] to write and Kevin Lima [Enchanted] to direct a live-action feature based on the enduring Hasbro board game. The tyke-friendly board game isn’t as obvious an inspiration for a movie project as those other Hasbro brands, but the studio has tapped talent adept at comedy and family fare. [Variety]
It’s not an obvious inspiration for a movie because it’s just Sorry with f-cking candy painted on the board. And not even good candy either, it’s like some shit people like in Victorian England ate, like yeast-filled prunes and marmalade-covered gelatine. Do you know how f-cking poor you have to be to enjoy Candy Land? Look, kids, pictures of candy! Now let’s all close our eyes and pretend this dead cat is a nice warm fire! Which pack of mongoloids decided that anything popular could be a movie? Why not Ovaltine the movie, or Febreze? Wait, did you just write that down? Come back here!
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Sweet Jebus, kill me now.
Also, and maybe it’s just me, but does that castle in the background look like it’s made outta cocks?
Wait a minute…Tropic Thunder was family fare? “Big Ass Titties kids!! Say it with me!!”
What did Mexicans ever to do you, Milton Bradley?
Hey genius, who do you think keeps those gumdrop trees pruned?
The Mighty Feklahr was sure this would be the online release of TBone getting blown out by the dumpster of Iowa City hot-spot, “Candyland” (“Come for the Russian cigarettes, stay for the cockroaches!”).
Candy Land will receive a R-rating, because you know the black kid and the gingerbread man are going to fuck.
DVD extras include a slightly altered version of the movie that frat guys can sit around and get wasted to.
“Do you know how f-cking poor you have to be to enjoy Candy Land? Look, kids, pictures of candy! Now let’s all close our eyes and pretend we’re not on welfare!”
I beg to differ, Vince. Do you know much candy you could get with a book of food stamps?
I’m going to be disappointed if everyone in this movie isn’t on acid.
Movie Exec: “I need something that combines the awesomeness of parkour and shaky cameras, but also spits in the face of a global recession.”
Writer: “Ummm, Chutes & Ladders: The Movie?”
Movie Exec: “HERE’S A BAJILLION DOLLARS!”
Don’t worry, some PC hippie will kill this project when he realizes it teaches kids that you have to step on coloreds in order to get ahead.
The real tragedy of Jett Travolta’s death is his unfinished screenplay for Simon.
They should make a movie about pushing people down the escalators at the mall. Call it Domino Rally.
Lince, why did you airbrush out the word balloon for that creepy red nosed fella?
Hey kids, I have even MOAR candy…IN THE VAN!
Asian gingerbread men are actually made out rice.
This makes perfect sense, because both Candy Land and Universal Studios require no reading.
Racial equality is finally here. They let the black kid hold the cane. Ironically though, his name is Toby.
Coming in 2010, Madea opens up a catering service in Tyler Perry’s Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*Spoiler Alert* Too much of this movie and you won’t be able to finish your dinner.
I’m sure the Dentist’s lobby is behind this. Can’t buy a yacht without cavities
When they first floated this idea, witnesses say you could hear a subtle snickering in the room.
I’m waiting for Cube 3: Chutes and Ladders
If I remember correctly, the last time they tried this with Guess Who?s Coming to Dinner, the results were mixed.
Been done, and better: “Kandyland” (1987) with Sandahl Bergman as “Harlow Divine.”
IMDB: Joni gets persuaded to enter a bikini contest by her friends and likes the attention. She talks to another contestant, Harlow, who suggests she try exotic dancing at Kandyland, where she works. Joni gets fed up with her job at the dry cleaner’s, and boyfriend Frank won’t commit, so she gets a job at Kandyland. She finds others doing drugs and getting abused, and tries to make her new job, her lingering attraction to Frank, and her strong friendship with Harlow coexist.
Juan, you had me (throwing up) at Sandahl Bergman as a stripper.
New Up. Without MEGAN FOX NAKED.
*tragedy
Ovaltine the movie? I thought that was the sequel to the School of Rock movie, Ovaltine Rocks!
Everything was going swimingly in the Land of Candy until a suicide bomber took out the gingerbread man and a Al Qaeda emerged from the Candycane Forest.
I smell sequel:
[www.oytoys.com]
Ovaltine the movie: Ralphie’s Revenge!!!
Where he starts taking out all the girls named Annie.
For those that get this reference you earn extra points.
I think it’s time to start referring to the children of mixed Native American and Caucasian heritage “candy canes.”
this reminds me of a skit from robot chicken. do these guys have to pay matt and seth royalties for this idea along with milton bradley?
This movie will be verrry misleading if giant snakes don’t pop out of the peanut brittle house.
Next up for Hollywood, the film adaptation of “Who’s in my Mouth”.