“I’m not gay! Jesus says nipples are a sin!“
Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof banked heavily on the insane bible thumper demographic and was an enormous success ($500,000 budget, $34 million gross – suck on that, Hollywood Jews). It recently hit DVD, and someone on the internets was kind enough to put together a compilation of all the best scenes (watch it after the jump). At first it looks like Kirk Cameron’s gonna beat his wife, but it turns out he just kills his computer with a baseball bat because it got him addicted to porn. But the creepiest stuff isn’t even the Jesus parts, it’s watching them rip off secular movies like Super Troopers. They even have a wise cracking black guy! I suppose the message is, it’s all fun and games until you’re burning in hell.
Also: Kirk Cameron is 38 and looks 12. I want whatever anti-aging potion he’s taking. What’s that you say? It involves abstaining from porn and alcohol? Hmm. I’m gonna try bathing in the blood of virgins first, see if that works.
[Thanks to RoboPanda for the tip]
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If it had been called Jahannamproof, he could’ve just lopped her head off. Problem solved!
Don’t miss the extended director’s cut in which the fat guys finally fuck.
Ask Thich Quang Duc about how well his spirituality saved him from the flames of hell.
::kicks pile of ashes::
That’s what I thought.
And that train scene is totally ripping off Ernie Hudson in Ghostbusters 2.
Kirk’s gonna be pissed when he dies and realizes that he could have spent his formidable years nailing more trim than a carpenter and would still just end up dead.
too bad they couldn’t get kirk casted in year zero. that woulda been a real hoot.
Nice work on the captions for the pictures, Boss. Fuckin’ stinky devil cans indeed.
Whatst he old saying?
“The devil makes work for hairy palms”?
No…thats not it…
M. Night Shammyamailion ghost wrote the trashcan scene. When you get it, you’ll shit a brick and call yourself an asshole for not realizing the triple meaning of the scene.
Kirk’s really missing out on the good stuff life has to offer. I mean, if you’ve never gotten your ass chewed out by your lady for trying to slip it in her crapper without asking first, your just not living. Good times and a valuable life lesson to say the least.
fuck. Is Al here yet? I screwed the pooch with the your/you’re. fuckshitdamnhell
Every time I have to decide between hitting my wife and my computer, I weigh the costs. Tell you what, a bag of ice and a dozen roses still costs a hell of a lot less than a motherboard and a case.
He uses what is called Jesus Juice to keep that young youthful face. It the same stuff Michael Jackson uses to stay young…or is that to fuck the young? I’m confused.
That wasn’t a Supertrooper rip-off, it was a reference to the biblical story of the whore who got stoned.
I wonder if Kirk uses his tears as jerk lube?
Pssstt…Kirk….
Getting anal is much easier after a bottle of Jesus Juice.
Awww damnit Jessica.
Chicks dig dudes who go into fits of faggy rage like this.
“Kirk, the times you see only one set of footprints in the sand are when I just couldn’t take your insanely irritating self-righteousness and went to play some XBox 360, so suck it.”
Its obviously the fuckin roids. Look at that monster.
*walks into thread covered with stigmata wounds*
Don’t worry, guys. It’s tomato juice.
Did you guys know the shortest passage in the Chicago Tribune is “Ebert wept.”
So I assume everyone noticed the hot sauce Cameron drank was called ‘Wrath of God’. But I bet you didn’t know that his fire captain’s hat was made by Crown of Thorns Uniforms.
Sorry Jesus…I talked about your juice before you did. :)
When the most gay person coming off of Growing Pains ISN’T a guy named Boner, you really got a problem.
Wow. His bat broke on the computer case. I’m thinking that symbolizes the breaking of his character that the computer initially caused, and the case cracking open is his soul re-opening to Jesus.
lol