02.17.09 I THINK THIS MEANS IT WILL BE AWESOME

“We tried to cut the violent scenes to meet the requirements of the Chinese market, but producers I invited to watch that version thought it was incomplete,”

Later, the Chinese man returned to his dull, whitewashed life of getting beer and porn out of the same vending machine, squatting to shit in a hole in the floor, and eating Kung Pao Corgi.

In Japan, this gets a Gi rating.

Reading this makes me glad I got rid of my Shitty Trilogy Memorabilia stock.

I bet if you took the chinese lettering in the banner pic and translated them back to english it would read something like “Once a year, black man brings many happiness in your lives”.

I’ve never seen a child as happy as the one in the banner pic.

I didn’t know that censors in China were so yellow-bellied.

The Chinese loved the Rush Hour movies so much that they once declared it Year of the Ratner.

Alas, Year of the Ratner was canceled a hour later when China’s only Mexican restaurant ran out of nachos.

In China, the Foreman Grill is called: “Black Man Hot Surface For Cats”

As part of his preparation for playing a Japanese mobster, Jackie Chan used scotch tape on his eyelids and played Dance Dance Revolution.

After this movie, a one-handed Jackie Chan regretfully agreed that he should have used a stuntman.

Japanese mobsters make “agreements for refusal would make blood kill.”

When CHinese people say they are “down with OPP”, it’s because they ate their neighbour’s cat.

They really do write themselves! Thanks Vince!

“So I tried explaining to the censors that all the characters getting brutally tortured were Tibetans and they told me they weren’t interested in approving another documentary.”

I find it cute that a country that has no qualms about injecting female newborns with poison through their soft spots at birth would find ANY-FUCKING-THING too violent.

So cute, those Ching Changs.

In China, Asian fusion restaurants give you radiation poisoning.

“Alas, Year of the Ratner was canceled a hour later when China’s only Mexican restaurant ran out of nachos.”

i.e. cross-eyed cats

Next week will be the announcement that the movie is being shown as is because the smog made the violence impossble to make out.

Kim Jong Ill thinks Yee should ratchet up the violence a little.

How much fucking fat can there really be in rice, for Christ’s sake?

Stupid dinks. They’ll buy anything.

:roots around garage for bicycle tire pump:

Hey Wang, you wanna buy this dick pump? Just stick this end up your ass, pump like crazy, and it’ll turn your Gecko into a Dragon!

We tried to cut the violent scenes to meet the requirements of the Chinese market, but producers I invited to watch that version thought it was incomplete.

They didn’t like the new “hands-on” approach that the director took.

<—————- Plays rimshot.

Tiananwatchmen will be released as scheduled.

When asked about the possibility of putting the movie on the internet for the entire free world to view for a fee, Derek Yee said “The intahne-huh wha, what is this you speak of?”

Hey JHC, how much for the dick pump?

I’m all for this. We don’t need smoking hot Chinese women who frequent seedy hotel bars learning to remove hands. They didn’t do a professional suture job after removing my kidney and the anesthetic/post op treatment was subpar.

However, her bedside manner was phenomenal up until the point that I climaxed and everything went black.

I love a happy ending.

Is this story for real, or just tongue in chink?

This better be a joke…

or there had better be pee-pee in my Coke.

So this chink walks into a gay bar, and the bartender says “You aren’t going to like this place unless you like smoking dicks” to which the chink says “arr right” and lights up a pipe filled with the ground up penis of a baby tiger.

The Chinese censors thought the scene where the hand was “chopped off” was too western and would have preferred seeing the hand “chop chop”-ed off instead.

Rush Hour… that was a chinese documentary about alcoholism right?

Chinese Censor: There is no scene with hand getting cut off in this country!

Chinese citizens: YES CENSOR!

Can I point out that i live in Australia and just like movies, everything else happens here later (or earlier?) so my posts are pretty much cabooses.

In China they call it Big Brack man rean glean glirring machine.

Yeah when I see a see Jackie Chan movie, I think integrity. Jackie wouldn’t cut off a hand if it wasn’t necessary. He must have caught him stealing. That’s what they do in China. Don’t get caught masturbating.

So it’s set in Tokyo, but there’s no tentacle rape or fatal skull-fucking? Please. Japan makes racier PSAs.

You know Asia is overpopulated when they give away a free Chinese guy with the purchase of a Foreman grill.