With Valkyrie (trailer, review), The Reader, Adam Resurrected (“the story of a man who once was a dog who meets a dog who once was a boy.”), Defiance, Good, and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas all hitting theaters and making headlines around the same time, it’s hard to know just which holocaust movie to see when you really need to masturbate never forget important historical epochs. Luckily, NY Mag has put together this handy flow chart. Click here for the answers. I’m a little disappointed they didn’t mention Defiance‘s ridiculous Dracula accents. I mean, I hate Nazis as much as the next guy, but don’t make me choose between them and vampires.
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The Mighty Feklahr keeps getting, “You monster!”???
So which one has the most cage fighting and lesbian/genderqueer porn? As that is now the basis of all my movie selections…
How do you like your Nazis?
The same way I like my women, Shaven. That’s why I’ll stick with American History X, thank you.
How do I like my Nazis? Square and Granny are probably my favorites.
How come there’s not one mention of my self help video, Rock Your Sexy Nazi: 10 Goose Steps To Finding True Love.
Why isn’t there an option to Nazi any of these movies?
Not to be pedantic, but the only way Valkyrie is a holocaust movie is if you’re counting fingers.
How do I like my Nazis? The same way I like my
womencoffee.Black and Bitter.
It’s about fucking time there were some Nazi gorillas in a holocaust movie:
http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/2008/06/03/comic-book-alphabet-of-vampires-p/
Nazi vampires don’t call it sucking blood, they call it drinking Jews.
I definitely can’t see the boy in the striped pajamas. Damn you restraining order!
How much will this movie caust? Holla!
Did you hear the one about the Nazi who attended a Bar Mitzvah?
He was a real gas.
I thought Defiance was about de girl who was gonna marry de guy.
/sent to concentration corner
Nazis are a metaphor for zombies.
The easiest thing about being a Nazi single dad of a teenage girl is when she becomes self-conscious about her weight you can just tell her she’s Jewish and she’ll starve herself.
I can’t wait until Goose Step Up 2 Da Streets gets released. My favorite Nazi is a flamboyantly gay dancing Nazi saving the reeducation center.
I don’t like these choices. I either have to watch a holocaust movie or Charlize Theron being ugly? That’s not fair.
I like to picture my Nazis working the drive-thru at Jack-in-the-Box, and he hooks it up with an extra order of tacos.
I like to picture my Nazis as The Ultimate Warrior.
@Donk–you could always go with You Monster’s Ball. A little grim, but hey, Halle Boobies.
The German version of Friday the 13th takes place at Camp Kristallnacht.
I like to picture my Nazis as a hot latina stripper named “Desire” and she charges floor price for the V.I.P dances which consists of her humming on my dick.
Gerald Posner was sent to a concentration camp but the Nazis felt bad for the Jews.
I like to picture my Nazis as a Motörhead cover band that follows me where ever I go playing “Ace of Spades”.
Did you see the video of all of those skinny-ass concentration-camp girls flashing their tits? Yeah, it was called Girls Gone Buchenwald.
I like to picture my Nazis as my weed dealer who throws an extra little nugget in the bag and winks at me.
German Otis Redding sings “Sittin’ on The Dachau of The Bay”.
I like to picture my Nazis as Vince delivering my “Black Dynamite” shirt while wearing it with nothing else.
My favorite German cartoon character is Mickey Mouseschwitz.
Do “Black Dynamite” t-shirts say: Vote For Pedro, Motherfucker!?
Sweet! There was a concentration camp named “Breendonk”
Thanks, Wikipedia!
I like to picture my Nazis as different bottles of IHOP syrups that I can alternate each morning.
I like to picture my Nazis as scat porn loving, Jew hating, kick-ass tetherball players.
My favorite Nazi (and it’s so hard to choose! Don’t make me choose, you monster!) is the maid from German Brady Bundchen, Uber Alice.
I like to picture my Nazis as “The_Guy_Who_Says_Fuck_At_Shitty_Movies”.
I like my Nazi’s portrayed by Richard Karn, Home Improvement‘s Al Borland.
I like to picture my Nazis as the Royal Burger and a basket of bottomless fries at Red Robin.
I don’t Wannsee anymore movies about the implementation of the Final Solution.
Just looking through Heydrich’s wiki entry and the fucker was the same age as me when he chaired the conference. Fucking Nazis making me feel like i’ve done nothing with my life.
I hear Goebbels got the fastest time at the Nuremberg Trials.
If you want to know which Holocaust movie is right for you all you have to do is call the Nazi Movie Watchers Hotline. Dial now, 213 – Du Werdest Eine Krankenschwester Brauchen!!
-25 for anybody that gets the ref
All right, ten more years of this shit and we’ll be ready for all the movies about the Korean War!
I always pictured my nazi as having big eagle wings and singing lead vocals for
Lynyrd SkynyrdThe Aryan Brothers Band.I hope they get a hotter actress for the Korean War epic, Da Leada.
New up, mang. I cut you.
Are your marital and household responsibilities getting in the way of your enjoying the consummate stream of Hitler and Holocaust documentaries currently showing on basic cable? Then count yourself lucky, as there are no fewer than 6 new Holocaust films currently running on the big screen. Here’s a brief rundown of all 6.
Just when you thought every Holocaust story had been thoroughly exhausted, and it has, Jeff Goldblum gives a standout performance as a part time POW full time K-9 in Adam Resurrected . Cesar Millan from Animal Planet’s hit show Dog Whisperer would certainly have his hands full with Goldblum, while fans of the original K-9 film starring James Belushi may want to sit this one out. Goldblum truly sells this role with a stunning mid air Frisbee grab that had cast and crew alike astonished. Not merely satisfied with scratching his scrotum with his big toe, Goldblum’s realistic bark had me wishing I could throw him a Beggin Strip. Fans of big stars doing cameo roles should play close attention to the blooper reel that runs during the credits, as Geena Davis can be seen performing a reverse slam dunk in the background as a stunned Richard Belzer looks on in mock disbelief. Anti-Defamation League Chairman Abe Foxman should have his hands full with cat lovers around the globe on this one.
Not to be outdone by Goldblum’s role as man’s best friend, The Reader starring Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes will have audiences captivated for the entire 3 plus hours of the film. Fiennes plays a Jewish teenager who is enthralled by Winslet’s promises of sex and a spot on impersonation of Marv Albert in drag. Set against the backdrop of the always fashionable and at times hysterical, Post WWII War Trials, The Reader will have you wishing Fiennes had a personality and Winslet had skipped this role in order to work on Titanic II: Cruise Control.
Just when you thought former Israeli military and political hero Moshe Dayan was the only one that could pull off the eye patch, along comes Tom Cruise in Valkyrie. I must admit that after watching 42 Ways to Kill Hitler, The Hunt for Hitler, The Plot to Kill Hitler and The Hunt for Hitler’s Horse, all within an 8 hour programming span on cable television, Valkyrie had lost a lot of its luster for me. However, that doesn’t stop Cruise from giving a breakthrough performance as he tries to assassinate Hitler in order to marry Ava Braun. Always one step ahead of the fuzz, Hitler dupes Cruise into marrying Brauns twin sister, Helga. I don’t want to give the ending away, but let’s just say Cruise doesn’t kill Hitler, as he doesn’t possess a German U-Boat that would have allowed him to follow Hitler to Argentina. Along with Cruise, Jeremy Piven gives a strong showing as General Rommel’s wise cracking agent, Rudy Gold.
Looking for a charming, light hearted film about sibling rivalry? Then Defiance with Daniel Craig is right up your alley. Defiance tells the story of 4 Jewish brothers that escape German occupied Poland with their stunningly beautiful, solid mahogany bunk beds in tow. Not merely satisfied with escaping with their lives and bunk beds, the 4 brothers give up their dreams of moving to Van Nuys, California to start their entertainment law firm in order to save Jews left behind in occupied Poland, leaving non Jewish Pols high and dry in the process. Sorry non Jew Pols, but their can only be one chosen people. In one of the more memorable scenes, the brothers attempt to rescue a set of Jewish Siamese twins (played by Gilbert Gottfried and Steve Guttenberg respectively) and their entire inventory of diamonds and precious stones, only to have their attention diverted at the last minute by an ambulance that passes by.
Most parents are looking for that perfect movie to indoctrinate their Anglo-Protestant children into the carefree world of the Holocaust. If that’s on your short list of parental responsibilities, then the The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is the perfect gateway film. Originally written as a fabricated piece of fiction by Irish author James Boyne, Boy in Totally Unfashionable Pajamas tells the gut wrenching story of an 8 year old German Boy played by Seth Green, who befriends a Jewish boy of the same age also played by Seth Green (let’s face it, you can’t hold a talent like Green in check for his entire career). After trading uncomfortable glances at one another, the two quickly move on to trading Star Wars figures and watching countless hours of Saved ByThe Bell reruns. In time, the boys come to realize that a friendship born out of the painfully boring and infinitely depressing backdrop of German occupied Europe is something to be treasured. The Boy in Pajamas Without Footie’s should be well received by Jewish film critics and Jewish film academy members alike. Rumor has it that author James Boyne completed this totally made up story in just over two months, but after seeing the film, I’m certain he wrapped it up in just under 6 days of writing in debilitating daily shifts that at times stretched to close to a half hour. Some parents may want to wait until the PIXAR version of this film, entitled Camp Crazy Pajamas, arrives in theatres. In the PIXAR version, the boys are replaced by caterpillars with voices provided by Billy Crystal and Jimmie Kimmel, while the character of the stern German father is replaced by an anti-Semitic lizard with voice over provided by the always hysterical self-deprecating comedic styling’s of Albert Brooks.
Lastly, Viggo Mortensen gives a totally sell out performance as a German writer in the film Good. Mortensen’s character finds that his light hearted writings on systematic euthanasia are being used by the German Government in an attempt to undermine Elaine Boozlers awkwardly unfunny and downright puzzling career as a stand-up comic. Not quite sure what to do next, Mortensen’s character finds himself seeking advice from the stunningly beautiful Paula Poundstone, while becoming fully entrenched in the underworld of Jewish stand- up comedy that revolves around holding fake casting calls, only to have to the truly funny turned away and replaced by the likes of Richard Lewis. Forced to come to grips with his own inner demons, Mortensen finally realizes that Bob Saget and Howie Mandel deserve an unlimited amount of career chances, regardless of their numerous outright rejections by audiences worldwide. In a last ditch attempt to convince Mortensen of his genius, Howie Mandel stretches a latex glove over his head while simultaneously stretching the patience of the films audience. Not to be outdone, Pauly Shore gives a career altering performance as comedy club owner Abe “The Weasel” Rose. Fans of the outlandish and over the top hilarious teen comedy American Pie should find this one to their liking as well, and while Mortensen can’t replicate the cinematic lightning in a bottle of Eugene Levee’s mind blowing reaction to a penis in a pie, he certainly delivers in setting his career back 3-5 years.
While all six films make it painfully obvious and abundantly clear that Jewish Peoples are the only group in the history of our planet to be enslaved and murdered in mass, fans of the around the clock Hitler and Holocaust programming made available to them on their expanded cable services should find at least 5 of the 6 films to their liking. Should that magical number of 5 not be achieved, AIPAC will send your congressman a gold watch of his choosing.
Harvey Weinstein, whose studio is behind “The Reader,” believes no number of Holocaust movies is too many. “What a wonderful subject to explore in as many ways as possible,” he told us. “I hope our children get educated about the Holocaust, so it will be ‘Never again.’ ”
Well don’t be so short sited Harvey! A second Holocaust would be a windfall for Jewish owned production companies and holocaust museums in much the same way 9/11 was for The “State” of Israel, minus the occupied terroritories that violate The Geneva Convention of course. So put down that $5 Foot long Harvey and let’s get to work on My Left Foot 2: Foot Patrol Boynton Beach.