WANTED: A 30-SECOND REVIEW
01.14.09
Wanted was recently released on DVD. I watched it. Here is my 30-second review:
Wesley Gibson was schlubby douche loser. In fact, he was such a nobody that a Google search on his name turned up zero results, even though his name is WESLEY GIBSON. Then, one day, HE FOUND OUT HE WAS A SUPER RICH ASSASSIN! So he joined a fraternity of assassins. Assassins who were also weavers. Weavers who pledged their loyalty to a giant, mechanized loom their ancestors built 1000 years ago. Wait, what? They had mechanized looms 1000 years ago? SHUT UP! I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY REAL FATHER!
Morgan Freeman: “Motherf-cker!”
The End.
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I didn’t see the words “Jolie” or “tits” anywhere in that review, so thank you sir for saving me $6.
Wanted: Speed reading classes
Ironically, sex with me only lasts 30 seconds, towards the end of which I always threaten “I WILL SHOOT THIS IN YOUR FACE! YOU’RE NOT EVEN MY REAL FATHER!”. After which I feel guilty because I know that God was probably watching it go down.
Bendy bullets > flexy firecrackers.
Cho, if not God, at least Santa. Coal for you next year, baby.
Bendy bullets < skipping rocks across a lake.
I googled my name and found out I’m into Beastialty…..
Flexy Firecracker is my stripper name.
Amber Alert is my stripper name. I work at a club called Unwanted.
My stripper name is Roadblock Bertha: Your buck (and appetite) stops here.
I was once at work, when suddenly my boss showed me how super rich going ass-ass-in could taste.
Sorta’ dangerous, no?
Bendy bullets < Rubber pencil trick
My hooker name is He Just Nut That Into You. Rubber Pencil Tricks pay extra.
Mac now thinks I’m a fag ’cause I called and asked them if “hitting my girlfriend in the pussy with it” would cover my broken keyboard.
Maxwell – message me. paulydangerously@live dot com
I’ve got a 1000 year old loom. It’s where I keep my apples and grapes.
30 seconds into sex, women usually look me in the glassed over eyes and admit “this isn’t what I wanted”.
That’s why a Bromance will never lead you atray, Chodin.
On Filmdrunk, it’s almost time for my 3 o’clock high.
Shorter more accurate review of Wanted: Yawn.
Rexy, you just solidified my want to see this movie…..
and also just solidified my stool.
had angelina showed her tits in this, the movie would’ve kicked ass
Pauly, I’d have asked if I solidified your cock, but I realized I’m not Chodin.
Every time I google my name, the search engine always tells me to “GET A FUCKING LIFE, YOU JEHOVAH WITNESS” .
Rexy, I don’t need to ask Pauly anything. I just have to look down at the palm of my hand.
Yeah, it was complete bollocks, but entertaining bollocks. I’ve seen it twice, which probably doesn’t say much for it.
Rexy, you make me produce pre-cum. It’s the post-cum that’s the problem.
I tried to watch ‘Wanted’, but Morgan Freeman’s freckles were so fucking loud that I couldn’t hear what anyone was saying.
Pauly, why use the word “problem” when you really mean “fun?”
Chod, Morgan Freeman’s freckles are there to add that grainy “old film” look to the movie.
WANTED: A 30-SECOND SEXUAL ENCOUNTER
:(