“But Jamal, what will we live on?” “Love.” (No, really. That’s an actual exchange from the movie.)
It’s a good thing Slumdog Millionaire is set in India, otherwise more people might notice what a wildly implausible, hokey, cornball cartoon it is. The scenery is nice, but the story is pointless unless you desperately needed to hear that LOVE CONQUERS ALL and YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR DESTINY, BECAUSE AFTER ALL, IT’S YOUR DESTINY. It’s the kind of feel-good garbage that only feels good if you check your brain at the door, a candy apple filled with shit.
Here’s the plot: Jamal Malik is one question away from winning the grand prize on the Hindi version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, an unprecedented feat. When we catch up with him, he’s in the proverbial back room getting worked over by some guys who want to know how a slum orphan with no education can succeed where doctors, lawyers, and professors have all failed. The answer should be obvious: Because he’s in a stupid f-cking movie (they think he’s cheating). They slap, punch, and electrocute him, which will become a metaphor for the way the filmmakers treat their audience. Who do these guys work for? The police? The show? Why would they want Jamal to fail? It doesn’t matter, they’re bad guys. Everyone in Slumdog Millionaire is either a good guy or a bad guy and there’s no room for grey area or, God forbid, motivation.
Eventually Jamal and his inquisitors go to the tape. They watch Jamal answer the first question, and when they ask how a slumdog like him could’ve known such a thing, we flash back to a traumatic childhood memory in which he painfully learns the answer. This becomes the framework of the entire movie. The hosts asks “Who invented the revolver?” and we flash back to the time when Jamal sees someone killed with a revolver. Besides the structure being corny and repetitive, the events in the flashbacks rarely show how Jamal actually would’ve learned the answers to the questions. Anyone who’s ever fired a revolver knows it shoots bullets, not a giant flag that says, “INVENTED BY SAMUEL COLT IN 1836.” And anyway, what’s the point of this plot device? It offers no more insight than you’d get singing along to Sexy and 17 by the Stray Cats – THERE AIN’T NOTHIN IN SCHOOL THEY DON’T TEACH YOU ON THE STREETS! OH WHOA OH OH OH (FAP FAP FAPPITY FAP FAP). (Great song, btw)
But it doesn’t matter, because winning Millionaire is Jamal’s destiny, you see. The only reason he’s on the show in the first place is to get the attention of Latika, the woman he loves. A fellow orphan, he meets her in a rainstorm when he’s about 8 right after his mother gets killed. And from then on, she’s all he cares about. Why? Again, because it’s a movie. Because in a movie, characters fall in love with the first girl they see and never deviate. Destiny and true love are much easier to write than ways in which two people might conceivably relate. The rest of the movie is just a series of contrived reunions and separations. Jamal gets kidnapped by a guy who blinds orphans with acid to make them better beggars! Latika gets sold into prostitution! Latika’s forced to marry an evil gangster! What, no black market organ harvesters? The slums are filled with good and evil, you see, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN BETWEEN. I would’ve liked to have just gone with the flow, but unfortunately there were no blunt objects under the seat with which to bludgeon myself.
But back to Jamal. He goes on Hindi Millionaire to meet a girl. Okay, fine. He knows all the answers based on lessons learned in the streets. Hmm, that’s a little ridiculous, but okay, I guess someone has to win the lottery. But wait, how did he get on the show in the first place? Considering he’s only one of roughly 8 bajillion people living in India, Jamal making it on the show would seem to be the most dubious plot point, wouldn’t it? Something you’d want to create a plausible explanation for, right? About two thirds of the way into the film, the host finally asks what any intelligent audience member should’ve been thinking, “So, how did a little slumdog like yourself get to be on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, anyway?” This triggers a flashback to Jamal working as an assistant at a call center. Every night, the callers call the Who Wants to be a Millionaire contestant line. And then… that’s it! That’s the entire explanation. Nevermind that the callers we see call never get through, never mind that Jamal is only an assistant who doesn’t even man the phones himself – it was his destiny! Because he was in love! Slumdog Millionaire’s turning points only give you the most half-assed, token explanations because they seem to figure that if they throw enough true love wheels of fate mumbo jumbo at you, you’ll be happy to suspend your disbelief long enough to see two wooden caricatures kiss. It’s cotton candy. Slumdog Millionaire is Love Actually with Indian people. I hated it and I hate all of you.
Grade: D+
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Leonardo-DiGatsbyo-Cigar-dog-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Iron-Man-3-Robert-Downey-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Tom-Cruise-Fish-Face-gif-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/new-movie-trailer-fro-ripd-starring-ryan-reynolds-jeff-bridges-150x150.jpg)
So, you liked it then?
Vinnie, thank you for not spoiling the ending.
Though I strongly disagree with your opinion on this movie, I’ll gladly let other people’s children fight to the death.
I already hated this movie. I was all psyched up for a film about a scruffy puppy from the hood that won the scratch-off lottery (get it “scratch off,” hee hee) and became a millionaire. All those blinged-out dog collars, sexy bitches (get it, “bitches,” I kill me), gold dog dishes, it would have been HI-larious.
I got arrested for following my Destiny. They claim she had a restraint out against me, but she wouldn’t have given me that extra 3 minutes of dancing if she didn’t want me.
Kahless forbids motivation.
If this kid’s out having all sorts of adventures, who’s making my soccer balls?
So does he use the million rupees to open a 7-11, or what?
I would also prefer watching “Slumgullion Millionaire,” about a scrappy young cook who wins a million dollars on a cooking show for his stew recipe. If we wanted to keep it ethnic, Padma could play a sexy cooking-show hostess that sleeps with me. I mean, sleeps with him.
No, sleeps with me is better.
a candy apple filled with shit.
Vince has been trick-or-treating in my neighborhood.
Fek, a million rupees is like $1.47 American, get real. He couldn’t even buy a Big Gulp.
Indian prostitutes are hot, and so polite. Every time I leave one*, she always makes sure to say “Thank you, come again”.
*alive
Well, he wouldn’t have won shit, except the stupid producer decided to make the $125,000 question about jerking off on public transit.
Love does conquer all. Or at least it holds their arms down.
They beat him up because before he answered any questions he kept demanding to know their social security number, full name, and if they had tried the “Help” feature first.
Sadly, in the sequel, Jamal comes to the USA, loses all of his money, gains 100 pounds, and is forced to go to work as a security guard in a shopping center. Yes, it’s “Jamal Cop.”
N’up.
What will this review do for its odds of “Best Picture” Oscar?
.
.
Seriously, any hot tips would be much appreciated. I left my sister in a Delhi brothel, and … well, you know.
D+… how many wanking motions does that equal?
That review is exactly how I predicted the movie to be, yet I keep seeing it get all these accolades and awards. But I’ve heard from people I trust that the film is phenomenal. I’m so conflicted! Do I get a fleshlight or a dildo? SO MANY DECISIONS!
D+ <– is that a dead cyclops?
But I’ve heard from people I trust that the film is phenomenal.
Me too. It’s one of those movies you’re either taken with or not, I think. It depends how much suspension of disbelief you’re willing to grant. I didn’t think it was worth it, but definitely a lot of people I generally agree with did.
I think I am just bitter and twisted enough to go with Vince on this one… sigh.
*goes back to blinding puppys with a sharp stick*
in the scene where he works at the call center, he told one of his co-workers that the guy who programmed the “millionaire” phonebanks told him of a hack of when the phone lines opened and that everybody always calls at the wrong time
/dick joke
It was no Step Brothers, that’s for sure.
Finally someone has the balls to say it. I don’t get the fascination with this movie. The story is hokey and implausible, it’s not particularly well acted and the final scene over the credits made me want to puke – it was so out of place.
The only reason I see for people liking the film is that it takes place in a location not often selected for staging a film like this. Well congratulations on being ballsy Danny Boy. Who would have ever though of placing a romantic drama in an Indian slum?
It’s not nearly as romantic as you would expect and the thrills are manufactured and lacking substance.
The movie’s not a complete turd but it’s nowhere near one of the best movies made this year.
Some one finally the fucking balls to shit on this movie. I’m so sick of film nerds running around jacking off about this piece of shit.
If you could forgive me being a film douche for a moment, it’s a fairy tale. A cinematic attempt at westernizing the Bollywood genre that westerners don’t/can’t appreciate because of, well, it’s bat ass absurdity. It’s fantasy minus the hobbits and ring wraiths and dragons. Is that so bad? Do you need the hobbits to make it palatable to watch a fantasy film? If so, I can understand that. As much as I like dense, intellectual cinema, sometimes I like pretty pictures that make me feel good. Even better when it can evoke a few more emotions along the way, however trite those emotions might be (fear, jealousy, anger, blah blah blah). Slumdog did that.
I didn’t hate it, but it ain’t a fairy tale if you show kids getting blinded. Even the Nazi war criminals I went to see it with were all “damn, that’s fucked up.”
Douchiness accepted. To retort: I respect that take on the film, as I’ve heard similar thoughts from many people I generally respect and agree with. (Also, I don’t really like hobbits and all the shit either). I just wasn’t taken with it. It seemed too phoney. Even the chase sequences didn’t work for me because I’m going, “Wait, you’re telling me two grown men can’t catch an 8-year-old kid in a foot race? What is this, Home Alone?” I didn’t feel like they executed it sharply enough for me to suspend my disbelief. And the cliche at the heart of the movie is one I really despise.
Not that it makes it anymore plausible, but they do at least address how Jamal got onto the show. During the part where Jamal’s coworker is trying to call to get onto the show, Jamal says something about calling right when the show’s host says the word “if” on TV. As in, when the host on TV says, “If you want to be on the show, call blahblahblah…” that’s when you start dialing. Apparently it was a secret Jamal learned from his techie friend (another coworker).
So yes, improbable just the same. But it was not entirely glossed over.
And also, wouldn’t you say the cop was a pretty neutral, objective character? He started off sort of sinister, but then in the end, he ended up being pretty reasonable and then just exited the movie to let the other characters tend to their business.
And I’m not sure I understand why it’s such a horrible thing for every character to be either good or evil. I feel like you can’t really get away without either the good or the evil. But neutral characters? I suppose they could enrich the movie but I wouldn’t lament their absence.
Latika wasnt technically a prostitute (yet) that was another scene where they made it a point to mention she was a virgin , well at least until she fucks his brother at gunpoint an hour later
@ The Smash – You’re right, how he got on the show wasn’t entirely glossed over, but it was like the revolver thing. It hints at it but doesn’t really solve the problem. I’ve said it before: I want details. And yes, I don’t ALWAYS think purely good or evil characters are a problem, if they’re a vehicle for something interesting, or entertaining, or thought provoking. In this case, it felt to me like they were just a vehicle for a series of chase scenes (which, again, seemed similarly improbable and reminded me of Home Alone) and that same old love at first sight/destiny cliché that I hate in the first place. I’m not asking that everyone be not purely good or evil, it’s more about PERSONALITY. Coen Bros characters are pretty one dimensional a lot of the time, but they’re also funny and interesting. I didn’t find any of the Slumdog characters charming. I didn’t really like the actor who played old Jamal either, that could’ve been part of the problem. Jamal in general was clever, but seemed like sort of a self-serious downer.
Long time reader, first time commenter… In fact, I created an account just to join the conversation.
SIDEBAR: I hadn’t created an account so far because typically the comment section is virtually unreadable, with “Comments of the Week” turning the whole thing into a pathetic pissing contest of who can drop the cornier punchline closest to the top. Maybe its just that I don’t “get it”, but it typically smacks so badly of effort that I can never stand to read FilmDrunk comments. It’s like watching people try to have a relaxed conversation on camera. Don’t get me wrong, I still think this blog is the fucking balls.
As for Slumdog, I’m one of its great admirers, but I too have people whose opinion I deeply respect disagree. I think the reason that this film is so divisive is that you can either accept the central conceit of the film — which informs its entire structure, as well as its themes and motifs — or you can’t. If you don’t buy the “fate” angle, you’re gonna hate slumdog, and that’s all there is to it.
I bought the fate thing. A big selling point for me was learning a bit more about the Hindu conception of fate… in India, fate is a very real thing, its not some cheesy plot device. Its a tangible part of the fabric of every day existence. Its hard to understand that paradigm of thinking, but if you can stretch your brain to a point where you accept this as the everyday reality for billions of people, suddenly the narrative arc of Slumdog becomes a beautiful journey rather than a sacchrine and predictable off-hollywood mess.
Also, I don’t know if its fair to describe the structural conceit of the film as repetitive… The vingettes of how he learned each answer were distinct enough from each other, and told a compelling enough story as they progressed through time, that it kept me guessing with each new answer. When the source of his knowledge was finally revealed, it was like the toy in the crackerjack box, a delightful little tie-in with the frame narrative.
p.s.
Great fucking blog, Vince
Long time reader and coming out of retirement for posting…
I totally agree with what everyone said in regards to pro’s and con’s of this movie. One really has to buy into the central premise of fate or otherwise the movie doesn’t work.
Lots of friends liked this and I saw your post (just the title!) tearing it an open sore for river tapeworms to crawl in.
Overall, I liked the movie. Sort of like Cinderella with feces covered children.
No way anyone will ever read this because it’s way too late, but you’re wrong re the “Colt” issue. After he throws Jamal out of the room, the brother points the gun at him and says “the man with the Colt .45 says to shut up.” So they did explain how Jamal knew the answer.
I could’ve bought the fate conceit if I thought it was a vehicle for getting to something entertaining or compelling, but I didn’t. Jamal wasn’t likable, he was sullen and self-serious the whole movie. And as for Latika, what exactly was it that he supposedly liked about her? She was basically just the only girl he knew. Why would I give a shit if they fall in love and live happily ever after or do some other horribly clichéd thing?
As for the Colt issue, which certainly isn’t in and of itself a huge reason for me not liking the movie – a man saying “The man with the colt .45 says to shut up” is a lot different than saying “The man with the colt .45, which was invented by Samuel Colt, the inventor of the revolver, says to shut up.” THAT would’ve explained how Jamal knew the answer. Saying the guy has a Colt .45 is more like a half-assed hint than an explanation. Like, oh, well maybe after he heard that Jamal went on Wikipedia for more information…
I’m sorry. I’ve been reading your blog for a very long time and I typically love your reviews. They’re smart and funny and enjoyable.
However, that was the most unintelligible thing I’ve ever read. It’s fine that you don’t like it – but don’t be wrong on every single point you tried to make.
Sure it’s hokey – but I’m pretty sure film nerds are jacking off over this thing because they can somewhat understand subtext. The whole phone bank thing? Was that the scene you went to go to the bathroom for? It’s nice when directors don’t need to dumb down their movies for their audiences by showing every single moment.
The Colt question was easy because it’s something tricky – which Millionaire would do. If you had ever seen a game show in your life, you wouldn’t have minded that.
And it wasn’t completely traditional. Predictable and traditional are completely different. D+ is an appalling rating from someone who usually knows what he’s talking about.
I thought this movie was “good” until there was about 15 minutes left, when I literally called the rest of the movie.
1. The brother redeems himself for his sins by letting Latika go
2. When Jamal’s brother gives Latika his cell phone, that was an obvious suggestion that Jamal only knows one phone number, taken from his brother’s business card. And who does he use his last lifeline on?…
3. Latika leaves the phone behind to watch her man attack the final question, with everybody in the audience knowing that the final call is going to her phone. OF COURSE!!!!!
4. That one scene when the host and Jamal go to the bathroom together (how cute) and after the tugjob in the stall, the host gives him the wrong answer!! What an asshole!! A few minutes earlier he was mentioning how he was the most powerful man on TV, and a slumdog couldn’t possibly become more powerful, except, of course, for this total tool Jamal. (Oh, I was enslaved as a boy and my mother was killed in front of me…consider the beating and electrocution payback for ripping off all of those shoes from tourists at the Taj)
5. How a team of shitty gangsters can find one girl in 15 minutes in a country with over a billion people is impressive to me. You think they could find Bin Laden? Probably not. Reason #23 why this movie is an unbelievable, 120 minute shitfest.
And I put “good” in quotations because my girlfriend let me play with her jugs while watching it, so it wasn’t all that bad
The plot of this movie is obviously lame and unbelievable. This has already been said, but has nobody realized the most retarded part of this movie? The way he makes his 20 million? He’s on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire! Are you serious? This show was popular ten years ago and hasnt been since Regis Philbin left. Does anyone actually still watch this show? Is it even on anymore?
This is ridiculous. What’s the sequel gonna be? Is he gonna be on Survivor? At least then I would have understood how he won, “Oh well he did grow up in a slum, and on a train, which aged him about three years, I guess he could make it on a fucking island.” Maybe he should be on Deal or No Deal, or Password, or some other show this is a pop culture thing, that has no place at the oscars, let alone winning.