If you’re anything like me, you’re stuck in your crappy apartment with kleenex boxes on your feet this weekend while everyone else hobnobs with film snobs at the festivals in Utah. Luckily, there’s nothing like the internet for simulating actual human interaction. Over on iTunes, you can download ten short films playing at Sundance for free. Meanwhile, a site called Indieroad allows you to stream films from the Slamdance Film Festival at the same time they screen at the festival, and even be a part of the voting. I’ve never heard of any of the small films playing there, but there is a short entitled Horsefingers 3: The Starf-cker. I wonder how many sequels they’ll get through before they realize horses don’t have fingers. Though I suppose you can finger them. But then, shouldn’t it be The Horsefingerer? Where was Quality Control on this? Anyway, when it comes to simulating the Utah experience, this sure beats pretending to be ashamed after you masturbate.
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I was bitten by Hobo today.
I figure it’s either going to make me rabid, a hobo, or a rabid hobo.
In case you were wondering, Hobo is Cincinnati’s favorite hobo.
Nobody likes him enough to learn his real name, though.
You know if you wrestle a midget you become one.
Isn’t Hobo that German shepherd on that TV show? You know, “The Littlest Hobo”? Cause that would make sense if HE bit you.
Yes, I am damn old and have a mind full of useless trivia.
Perhaps that’s why *I* too am a “hobo” or as we prefer to be called “bums, tramps, vagabonds, or filthy roaming perverts.”
Apropos of the Utah film festivals, not “everyone else” is there. Some of them are here (Washington DC) for some damn reason. I wish they would all go home, the whole city is messed up because of the durn tourists and demmycrats.
Are the hobos trying to overthrow the government again? I missed the signs!
Remember that movie The Last Starfucker where the aliens found this girl playing second life who was a great starfucker so they took her to outer space so she could starfuck to save the universe in REAL LIFE!!!
It’s funny you mention that Vince, because (honest to God) I almost got to wrestle midgets in WCW.
Fucking Mormons and their fancy move-talking pictures.
IT’S WITCHCRAFT!
Look out, Utah. The Mormon Church about to be blowed up–by Black Dynamite.
Well I can see SOME Film Drunkards have nothing to do on a Saturday night. (sigh, stares at wall)
Juan, Matlock isn’t on?
Nothing wrong with staying in on Saturday night and watching ESPN.
Well, maybe. But only if the Tar Heels lose. In which case I’ll be sobbing.
Hey Pauly,
You know that whole grain pizza I cooked the other night?
It was actually from PIZZA HUT!
Hey TengoDooter,
You know that shampoo you use?
It’s jizz.
Well that’s disturbing,
You know that dippin’ sauce I served with the pizza? It was shampoo.
Do the kleenex boxes on the feet make your feet extra warm or something? I’m assuming it is also negative a billionty degrees where you are, as well.
P.S. Some of us work on Saturday nights, Juan. Pff.
I threw a wad into a guys shampoo that I didn’t like at a party one time….then he told me that was his mom’s shampoo.
Faux pas!
My dad was my worst enemy.
He was a foe pa.
I like to put Kleenex boxes on my feet and pretend to be a robot. Did you know Stan Winston’s original design for the Terminator was a picture of Arnie standing in some Kleenex boxes and with a speech bubble saying, “I. Am. A. Robot.”
This is nothing compared to Moondance. That’s when I shake my bare ass in Pauly’s face.
I just saw Paul Blart.
Fucking. AWESOME!
I’m going back to see it again tonight with a bunch of my
stuffed animalsfriends!Jacktion!
You’re critique of this film seems contrary to that of your omnipotent host, Mr. Mancini. Do you not fear reprisal? Is there no FD Doctress to take you to task? To ban you? Is this an example of the American Freedom of Speach of which I have heard?
Is this why a couple of simple Mexican peasants, Juan and Maria Dangerously, walked for miles through the hot southern Arizona desert so that their seriously psychotic son Pauly could get the government subsidized psychological care he so desperately needed?
Do you not fear that some Fat Penguin Stasi might break down your door in the middle of the night?
Is America truly the land of the free? Or were you just bullshitting about it being awesome?
Told ya, Jacktion! The trailer had me at “Go.” Now I won’t see the movie unless someone pays me to do so, but I will certainly jump on the bandwagon and cite Kevin James as the greatest “Kevin” in the entertainment business since K-Fed.
I really liked the part where he was fat.
TengoDooter,
I’m the son of a trucker and a truck stop hooker. They met at a TTT truck stop along a lonley Arizonan stretch of I-10.
They still meet in the same lot every year.
Pauly,
Sorry. My mistake.
Stacey Keach plays Paul Blart’s dad, right? Cause the family resemblance is amazing.
I like my horse fingers with a side of ranch for dipping.
Horse fingers go good with moose knuckle and fromunda cheese topping.
The Canadian mafia will leave horse fingers in your bed.
Al’s vibrator runs on a 300 horsefinger power engine.
Verne Troyer always gets the 4 pc. pony fingers in his BK Big Kid’s meal.
Jack n’ the Box uses horse finger meat in their tacos.
Wilbur had to post bail after Mr. Ed was caught shoplifting at the local livery. That’s right, Mr. Ed had sticky horsefingers.
The Black Stallion’s weapon of choice? Brass knuckles.
If they had called it Horsefingerer they would have be accused of trying to court extra attention from Robert “horse
whispererfingerer” Redford.Also, the only thing that sucks worse than Sundance is Waterdance. Have you ever tried to get tread marks and the smell of Eric Stoltz out of a berber carpet? Yeah, didn’t think so.
“Would have be accussed” means they’d get raped on a pinball machine.
In Emperor Palpatine’s younger days, he was known as “Forcefingers”
A seasoned cowboy can detect danger by putting his ear to the ground and listening for the tapping of horsefingers.
Sarah jessica Parkers children are born with horse fingers.
Matthew Broderick belongs to a society of Horsefingerers.
You can get this horse to go where you want by dangling a 5 carrot ring in front of him.
SJP doesn’t have a click, she has a horsefinger.
Outside of the show “Mr. Ed” Bamboo Harvester dabbled in horsefinger painting.
I once cut-off a horse during rush hour and he gave me the finger.
I gave a ring to my girlfriend Ursula, but I couldn’t get it onto her thick Norsefingers.
After signing all day long, Hellen Keller got hoarsefingers.
When I worked at the glue factory, I got fingered for murder, by a horse.
I beat the rap cause horses can’t speak english, you see.
Fact.
Never sniff whores’ fingers.
Fact.
My Grandfather got a bad case of Morse fingers working the radio in WW2.
Burnsy hates a man with coarse fingers.