MATT DAMON IS CLEARLY A COMMUNIST
01.28.09
Due to its awful shaky cam action sequences, Quantum of Solace has often been compared to the Bourne movies, a comparison which Matt Damon apparently doesn’t take too kindly to. From a recent US Weekly interview:
“They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films,” Damon said. “Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive.”
Whoa, whoa, settle down, dude. We wouldn’t have brought it up if we’d known you were gonna get all Women’s-Studies-Professor on us, put your tampon back in. I mean, Bond may like to drink and have casual sex and kill foreigners, but… wait, what was that other thing you said?
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True story: Matt Damon’s breath causes AIDS.
When reached for comment, Ben Affleck said, “My kids look like monsters.”
Viva la Damon!
Myaaaaaaatt Dyaaaaamon! I clearly have nothing to add.
White Man’s Guilt: It’s Fucking Matt Damon.
Craig fired back: “Yeah, well at least Bond doesn’t go around fucking that ugly chick from the uh, the um, aw, you know, wasn’t she on a TV show one time?”
Matt Damon just thinks he’s cool because his driver’s license photo already looks drunk as shit.
When reached for comment, Matt Damon’s nine neck nipples said nothing.
Let’s hear you try and explain that to a Suffolk County jury, you cawksuckah.
Gerald Posner and Minnie Driver were the inspiration for Hancock.
Damnit, Burnsy! Not with the Gerald Posner stuff! I can’t help myself!
Hate to break this to you Fatty…I mean Matty…but there would be no Jason Bourne without James Bond. James was the first of the mighty government asskickers. James Bond, Jason Bourne, and Jack Bauer. So go back to trying to justify your beergut with yet another film role you pansy.
Gerald Posner is most well known for his role in Vertical Limit as K2.
Gerald Posner got really pissed off at that stunt driver in Quantum of Solace, so he tossed him off the cliff during the car chase by sneezing.
David Lee Roth once scaled the face of Gerald Posner in his video.
Full Transcript:
“Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive. [under breath] God I’m so wet right now. Where’s Daniel?”
Didn’t Matt Damon marry a knocked-up slumdog?
Matt Damon’s hat doubles as the field cover when it rains at Fenway park.
Matt went on to complain that the titular (heh, tit) character in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was degrading to women, followed by an hour-long beat-off-and-cry section to some old National Geographics.
TRUE STORY: Matt Damon once concentrated so hard on a Sudoku, that his left eye slightly opened.
Damon went on to boast how his character learns all about sensitivity and intimacy in his next sequel The Bourne Sodomy
What an Octopussy.
You guys remember when James Bond wouldn’t give India its independence? What a dick.
Mock all you want, but The Legend of Teabagger Vance ruled. Bonus: no Will Smiff in that version.
I love it when a douche pretending to be one guy gets all righteous about another guy pretending to be someone.
@Madman–are you quoting Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder? Kudos.
Wherever I go in the room, that picture of Damon is half-winking at me.
Pussy Galore
Fact. Girls tell me I look like a slightly out of shape Matt Damon. Fact.
I think that movie was called To Live and Let Mumbai. I remember there was a girl named Bollie Wood who got killed by terrorists, and then Bond was all like, “They just got Wood . . . and so have I.”
Some of those Bond movies from the 80s are best left forgotten.
Fact. The girls I mentioned are actually just my mom and aunt. Fact.
In a non-verbal response, Sean Connery punched his wife and made her watch him fuck their 19 year old Au Pair.
Some of my best friends are imperialist, misogynist sociopaths.
What an A hole. He pisses me off as the day goes on
When reached for comment, Austin Powers star Mike Myers said “I’ll suck your dick for a new idea.”
Did he really say “bedding women”? Nobody uses “bed” as a verb, except maybe gamblers with flu-like symptoms.
Fact. Matt Damon’s best role was in EuroTrip. Fact.
Mike Myers would suck your dick for the salt.
Oh Matt, you had me at misogynist.
@Stone–even Connery’s nonverbal responses have that awesome accent. He didn’t fuck the girl, he had shecksh.
Fact.
John Matrix could kill James Bond and Jason Bourne with one arm (doesn’t matter who’s!) tied behind his back.
Fact.
John Matrix could kill James Bond and Jason Bourne with one arm (doesn’t matter who’s!) tied behind his back.
“Let off some steam, Damon.”
This is all George Lazenby’s fault.
Go have another fragmented flashback, Bourne. Meanwhile, Bond just fucked your ex-girlfriend before breakfast.
Yes, your character has morals. Well, only after he gets shot with magic amnesia causing / morality infusing bullets. James Bond doesn’t have that problem, because he never gets shot.
I liked it when Eomer, son of Eomund totally boom-headshot Damon’s woman. He had no business in the Riddemark. What was the third movie even about? Was it about Metal Gear Solid 2? I think it was about Metal Gear Solid 2…