The San Francisco Chronicle today has an article about lesbian MMA porn.  Awesome as that sounds, it’s also filled with sentences like this:

Since then, director Shine Louise Houston wasn’t exactly stroking a white fluffy cat while hot boi minions programmed the dyke robot army with the gay (porn) agenda that keeps the red states blushing.

If you can figure out what the hell that means you should find a hose because your pants are on fire. It’s always an interesting strategy to describe people in terms of what they’re not doing.  “Where’s grandpa?  Well, let’s just say he isn’t exactly behind the barn giving a hobo a hysterectomy.”  Wait, what?  Are you trying to be coy? ….AAAAANYWAY, back to lesbian MMA porn. The film in question is called Champion: Love Hurts, and its star is an honest-to-God MMA fighter.

[sic] Syd Blakovich portrays Jessie Eaton, a cold, womanizing MMA fighter who’s never lost a round in the ring.

Meanwhile, Blakovich’s promoter insists that Blakovich look and act “less gay” — even forcing the butch fighter to do a photo shoot in a dress, makeup and heels to try and win mainstream acceptance.

The film is packed with hot, raging queer sex and scorching, authentic orgasms — the heart-pounding scene with Madison Young and thigh-clenching solo by Jiz Lee are unforgettable — and it’s also filled with intense fight scenes. Big strap-ons, and flying fists.

I had a moment to chat with Blakovich about her real life, where she’s a world-touring champion cage fighter (and lesbian/genderqueer porn star). She told me that being told to look and act “less gay” isn’t just a plot point, explaining “In my own fighting career, I was initially asked by my manager to keep the queer porn under wraps because a lot of the MMA circuit is run by pretty conservative and homophobic people, but we both soon realized that in this day in age with the internet that really isn’t possible. So now, I am pretty out about it all.” [/sic]

I think I speak for everyone when I say that this film would be a lot better if Gina Carano was in it.  And that women’s MMA would be greatly improved by the addition of some big strap-ons.  I further posit that both these chicks earned their red belts a long time ago, if you catch my drift.  Okay I need to stop now.

[Thanks to BDarbs for the tip.  Just the tip.]