01.16.09 JOAQUIN PHOENIX IS HIGH ON PCP (UPDATE)
Joaquin Phoenix and the backwards B girl had a baby, and they named it Neveah.
The trades are reporting today that Casey Affleck’s next project will be directing a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix’s “music career.” This whole thing sounds a little bit fishy, because if you’ll remember, Casey Affleck was standing next to Joaquin during Joaquin’s original retirement announcement (video of that here), and was the one who had to explain that Slurry McPainkillers was planning to focus on music after he stormed off. Oh but wait, it gets weirder:
Phoenix is embarking on a new path as a rapper, with an album to be produced by Sean Combs. He is scheduled to make his first public performance Friday at a Las Vegas club, which will officially kick off Affleck’s shoot.
I just checked my calendar and it’s not April 1st. Are they serious? And by that I mean, is he joquin? Or is this simply a product of jealousy of rappers-turned-actors combined with dyslexia? My guess is that it’s some kind of elaborate publicity stunt and they’re planning to punk the media with some nonsensical performance art that only actors will understand.
UPDATE: TMZ apparently has video of Joaquin doin’ his thang. And by ‘doin’ his thang’, I mean slurring unintelligibly and looking like a homeless person – but this time over a drum beat!
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/11/jessica-alba-underwear-150x150.jpg)
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There are 33 comments about:
JOAQUIN PHOENIX IS HIGH ON PCP (UPDATE)
P-Hoe?
M.C. Rabbit Mouff?
Lil’ Half-Lip?
Lil’ Hairlip
NIce Pauly, you win
So what if Hwaakeen is a raper now! Doesn’t make him any better than me.
* or Fek, or Chodin, or Eibmoz.
Joaquin Phoenix’s new MySpace artist page name will be jOhNny*CA$H~MoN3y**RIP**Lil_River_SoulJA!
* or Al.
This must be a joke, someone needs to tell this dickbag to get over himself.
These two assclowns are making Ashton Kutcher look like Horatio Alger.
We wike to pawty, wa di da di
We don’t bawthuh nofuddy, we don’t cause twuffle
The Notorious L.I.P.
This is part of the viral campaign for his role in the prequel to “Gladiator,” co-starring Will Smiff.
Diddy’s reasoning:
“If I let this white boy rap, they HAVE to let me be the next black James Bond!”
For the record, that was a Klingon-impersonating accountant rapping like what He believes a dyslexic harelip would sound like. I will let that sink in for a moment.
I hope his first single samples Nancy Sinatra and is called “These Beats Are Made For Joaquin”.
I for one am incredibly happy that Phoenix is beginning to widen his range into the challenging depths of comedic acting.
this is a comedy right?
anyway this should be especially difficult for Phoenix because based on his movie roles, he is incapable of smiling.
Hey! Did you guys know Peyton Manning was a harelip, too? WHA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!
… or he can sample a bunch of classic rock songs a la early Beastie Boys and call it “Joaq, Rock, and Two Smokin’ Tables”.
I’m still waiting for the rap version of “These boots are made for Joaquin.”
A remake of the Fats Domino hit “Joaquin to New Orleans” and Ernest Tubb’s “Joaquin the Floor Over You” are also on his new album.
^my, I’m old
make that Tubbs’ (sorry Ernest)
MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
How in the hell did I let Juan beat me to a Joaquin to New Orleans joke? Fuckin kids are draining the funny right outta me.
Congratulated on his new career, Joaquin said “You! Thank”
Well. Now. Don’t you tell me smile to.
You stick around I’ll make it worth while your.
Got numbers beyond what you dial can.
Maybe it’s because I’m versatile so.
new up
FEKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHR!!!
HEY! Where did JHC go? He was just here.
Could be worse. It could be Will Smith.
I predict his rapping won’t be soft-palatable.
“Just like a Phoenix, I rise from da ashes. I cover up my harelip with scraggly mustaches”
Yeah, that’ll go well, Joaquin.
And by well, I mean relative obscurity followed by celebrity rehab on VH1.
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