JASON VOORHEES IS A MEXICAN GANGSTER
01.22.09
The poster design for the new Friday the 13th movie was modeled closely after something Jason Voorhees tagged on the wall of my middle school bathroom, right before he shouted “Puro Sureños, puto!” and stabbed me with a pencil. Wait, was it Jason Voorhees? Maybe it was Juan Gomez. I can’t remember.
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This video was created at Pauly’s Quinceanera.
I collect those little plastic figures, I have like thirty of them.
I think they’re called “Homies”.
This is actually a poster for Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.
So then, this movies coming out on February 13th? Anybody know what day of the week that is?
This dude sucks at making “B”s.
now, if you take a little prussian red and just dab dab dab some happy little trees, then you can SMEAR A GIANT 13 ON THE CANVAS AAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Banner Pic – Thomas Kincade finally loses it.
The Mexican gangster tagged that canvas with fresh picked strawberry juice.
Banner Pic –
Thomas KincadeBig Bird finally loses it.FIXED
Stone, how dare you utter the name Thomas Kincade immediately after a beautiful Bob Ross reference? DEAD2ME!!
BTK, nice animaniacs ref back @ Tom and Jerry. Well played.
Banner pic: The number of relatives the mexican gangster has living with him in his studio apartment.
it wasn’t Juan Gomez either, it was…
*with true accent* Yay-son Borjas. You remember him right? Yordan’s cousin.
This is actually about a scary-ass Bar Mitzvah. Today you are a man . . . A DEAD MAN.
Aunt Judy and Uncle Ron gave you this fountain pen . . . FROM HELL.
Grandma sent this savings bond . . . that will be worth $50.
WHEN IT MATURES.
Jim Carey thinks this banner pic is underselling itself. By 10.
Ahhh… A bloody 13, reminds me of my first sexual experience.
It’s barbecue sauce and Jason wants those fuckers at McDonald’s to know how many nuggets they put in his 20-piece box.
It’s either a “13″, or Alfred Hitchcock just earned his redwings…
Jason ran out of blood while trying to let the world know that he’s very good at video games.
*chodin slaps child across face*
Sorry guys, ol’ Junior here must of got into the finger paints after I asked him to write down how many sexual partners he’d had.
Stupid Jason! Doesn’t he know to use a < instead of a 1 to make an LOL heart?
chodin: “Hey baby, guess what we’re doing on the Friday right before Valentine’s Day?”
soon-to-be ex: “Renting a beach house for the weekend?”
chodin: “Fuck no, dyke. We’re gonna’ go watch a horror movie and then finish the night reading about Black History Month.”
I think Voorhees has a real future in painting profiles of pregnant bitches with giant tits.
Jason fucking sucks at German. He totally forgot the umlaut.
*unfolds origami fortune teller*
“Shhhh, okay, okay let’s see! Thirteen: oh my Gawd!!! Okay, so Jason is totally going to make out with Amanda and get to squeeze a tit!!!”
That poster is clearly incomplete.
l3===D ~ ~ (.Y.)
*places hand to ear*
“And there seems to be some sort of discrepancy down at the scoring table…yes…yes, it would appear that the judge from Camp Crystal Lake is trying to score a 13 on that pike dive. Clearly an infraction of the rules.”
Mapplethorpe thinks Voorhees’ depiction of “a man’s ass” is astonishing.
Voorhees’ first Ed Hardy design was a complete and utter failure.
Baker’s dozen… with BLOOD!!
Friday the 13th Going On 30!!!!
*reaches into ball mixer*
Annnnnnd, tonight’s lucky Powerball number is…smeared in period blood.
Flashing gang signs just makes you look severely arthritic. And fucking retarded. Don’t forget retarded.
And from the video: Droping some Mexican luv.
Just go back. Please.
“standing in her chinos shirt pulled off clean
gotta tattooed tit say number 13″
Anyone know of a better outro than that song’s?
Damn A, that’s harsh.
Chino’s shirt pulled off clean? Huh? You can see me?!
Trus story:
I know everyone in that Youtube video.
The Nominatrix considers Charlie Bronze’s question to be highly subjective, but offers up “Niagra” by the Wedding Present as one viable contender of many.
What the stupid-ass Norteños don’t know is that Sur Trece is indivisible, not even by the number 2!
Listen, I have been around my share of Mexican gangsters, in and out of prison, and not 1 motherfucker likes Hockey enough to wear a goalie mask.
What I Mexican’t understand is why Jason just doesn’t jump into Lil’ Shorty’s lowrider and do a drive-by on his victims.
You guys don’t understand how hard it is to C-Walk with construction boots on.
The Nominatrix is a little unsettled by the fact that the song Charlie Br)nze was referencing features many lyrics in Spanish, which is the Mexicans’ native tongue, and also the awesome lead break in the afore-mentioned outtro is performed by a certain hombre named ‘Santiago’.
Spooky shit, ese.
“I’M THIS MANY”
*stab*
One time I thought some dude was bangin’ on me and throwing up signs and shit, but I found out he was deaf after I stabbed him and he yelled like a fucking whale during mating season.
Canadian Jason would’ve smeared a bloody 10.
That looks like my cousin Chuy’s tattoo when it was still fresh.
Actually if you rotate it clockwise 90 degrees it looks like the view I had of your mom last night.
How about I just bend your Mom over 90 degrees and kick her down the stairs after I nut?
Is this Th13teen, the sequel to Se7en?
B excited, B B excited
It was a lazy cheerleader
It’s a diagram of how to sever a buttocks, nothing more.
It’s really fucking cool how the blood runs down in between the 1 and the 3. Makes February 13th almost look not misspelled its so fucking cool.
Mexican Jason doesn’t “dismember” his victims.
He just says “Ju seen my movies, A? I do dis, ‘member?” and shanks them.
The blood soaked through and got the back wet.
Lick it and pass it.
Mexican American Killers,
Don’t like to get up early,
In the morning, to stab camp councillors,
So they do it reaaalll slowwwwww.
Nice to see Cy Twombly is still painting.
Mexican Jason wears Dickies®
*lowers Locs*
I wear Dickies.
You guys call him Jason.
I know him as Paco’s primo, Guero.
Tagline:
You MexiCAN run, but you MexiCAN’T hide!
Mexican Jason’s ’81 El Camino honks War’s “Lowrider”.
I saw the episode of Sabado Gigante where Don Francisco interviewed Mexican Jason. THAT was some great TV.
Mexican Jason will use your intestines for menudo.
I’m not surprised Jason is a mexican, i mean the dude only works like one day a year…
And your head for barbacoa. mmmmmmmm
The Nominatrix wonders if 13 is actually the prequel to Thir13en Ghosts.
The Nominatrix must
torrentrent that movie immediately, just in case.You know when Mexican Jason is around to kill you because you can hear the bass rattling the license plate on the trunk.
Mexican Jason wears novelty oversized tshirts from 6 Flags instead of overalls.
The Nominatrix wonders if 13 is actually a remake of Thirteen, starring Evan Rachel Wood as a hot young thing rebelling against her mother, played by Marilyn Manson.
Mexican Jason don’t take no chit from nobody.
Technically Mexican Jason shouldnt wear a hockey mask, instead something more in tune with his past time. Like a pillow.
True story.
When I built my house Mexican Jason and all his cousins got caught and deported. I had to wait an extra three days for them to get back and pour my slab. What took em so long, the lazy fuckers.
White people are the easiest target for Mexican Jason, because when he yells “Oye, Guey!” to them, they stop and try to give him directions.
Jason always did have a kind of cholo lean, or maybe thats because he was mentally handicapped.
Mexican Jason made his fortune selling Amway brand jumper cables.
Mexican Jason doesn’t know his liquor. He dared me to eat his worm, but he was holding a bottle of rum.
Mexican Jason sold me the cirby vacuum that I used to have sex with when I was younger.
Mexican Jason’s baby’s mama is La Llorona.
Mexican Jason stole my Third Eye Blind CD when he was working on my car at Jiffy Lube.
Only reason Mexican Jason is angry is because Edward James Olmos flunked him in high school.
Mexican Jason just informed me that Oprah totally ripped off the legend of La Llorona and turned it into a movie called “Beloved”.
Despite always having a machete, Mexican Jason is really bad at lawn maintenance.
Mexican Jason won’t eat at Taco Bell.
Mexican Jason really is a monster, he’s always making his girlfriend visit Planned Parenthood.
What does Mexican Jason cut his victims and pizza with?
Little Ceasers.
Pauly, you just killed me. Thanks.
2nd that. clever.
What’chu talking bout, Mr. Drummond? You don’t second that here. You do that in the nom thread.
Mexican Jason uses Jesus candles around his mothers head.
wtf is the nom thread?
Odelay, Pablo!!!
Where you nominate the besties
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=8721&cp=3#comment-170805
The Nominatrix has been informed that Mexican Jason (a known cannibal) has caused much confusion by describing himself as a “Senòr Eater”.
wtf is the nom thread?
You should be ashamed of yourself….and your kids.
wtf is the nom thread?
Get with the times, Mr. Drummond. The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum.
I hear ya jack. long, short, fast, and slow. it takes all kinds of strokes to make this drum cum.
The Nominatrix wishes to remind you: what might be right for you may not be right for some.
That’s cool if it’s over yer head.
Mexican Jason ends every sentence with “well”.
I hope we’re all pronouncing it “ha-sewn” by now.
Mexican Jason cashes his paychecks at Quick-Cash.
One time, Mexican Jason saw the Virgin Mary in a blood stain.
Mexican Jason has stolen stereo equipment and pit bull pups for sale.
You stole a fucking dog?!
Mexican Jasom has a teardrop tattoo’d on his cheek.
Jasom?
Mexican Jason is a Raiders fan
Mexican Jason’s Mom hit him with a chancla for using the good knife to kill people.
*wipes tear away from eye* I was hit with a birkenstock.
Mexican Jason is throwing a carne asada this Sunday….
WITH YOUR FLESH!
Did your Mom also drive a Subaru, rummo?
Cause she might have been a dyke.
you’re just thinking about that movie Alive and how they had to eat the ass off all the dead bodies to survive.
Mexican Jason has 1 line shaved in his left eyebrow, and 3 lines shaved in his right for “13″.
The sad thing is how much I have seen Sureños actually do that.
Mexican Jason lives la vida loca.
Mexican Jason isn’t worried about being charged for all the murders as much as he’s worried about dropping dirty and violating probation.
Mexican Jason has bars on his cabin’s windows.
The Legend of Mexican Jason begins when he drowned swimming at Camp Rio Grande.
Luckily for Mexican Jason, Micheal Bay is able to pay off INS officers with extra hookers.
SHHH-SHHH-SHHHH-HAHHH-HAHHH-HAHHH..mang
SHHH-SHHH-SHHHH-HAHHH-HAHHH-HAHHH..mang
Mexican Jason can kill 30 teenagers in one night, but he still checks under his bed for el cucuy
Mexican Jason was smuggled into Camp Crystal Lake with his family in a van after midnight
Mexican Jason looks for work in the Home Depot parking lot
Mexican Jason only uses the top button on his shirts
The Nominatrix is right about my question being subjective. The Wedding Present, “Niagra”, eh? Think i’ve got one of their albums on cassette. Probably The one with the great George Best on the cover. “Everyone Thinks He Looks Daft” and “What Did Your Last Servant Die Of?” are the only songs i can vaguely remember. I’ll check “Niagra” out when i get home.
I think carving “13″ on a sign-post is hobo-language for “don’t see this movie…it looks like shit”