DOLPH LUNDGREN, COWBELL, ETC.
01.12.09From Dolph Lundgren and the producer of Vampire Trailer Park comes Command Performance, which bills itself as “Die Hard at a Rock Concert.” Lundgren directs, stars, does his own stunts and drumming, and in the teaser above, delivers the tagline: “Dying is easy, rock n roll is hard.”
He goes on to prove his own thesis in the extended promo video below by sounding like Nickelback’s first day with a wah-wah pedal. Its poor inventor is probably rolling over in his grave right now. That inventor being of course Professor Phineas T. Wahwah.
[Hat tip to sexy doppleganger site FilmJunk]
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My brother used to wear a cowbell because he’d sneak around the house to eat the poison holly berries. Do you have a video of that? I think Dolph was there too.
Professor Phineas T. WahWah also composed several handy audio clips.
“If he rocks, he rocks.”
I can’t fucking wait to go home and watch this! WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO, LINCE???
…
Fine, I’ll stop going through your garbage! :P
Guns at a metal show? I think they meant “Rap Concert.”
My hairdresser said “Dyeing is easy, rollers are hard.”
Dying is easy, rock n roll is hard.
I disagree – I’ve always been much better at drumming than getting an even coat of that Paz stuff on the Easter Eggs.
Reached for comment, Henry Rollins said nothing. He did however, sneer and check the sharpness of his blade. With a puppy.
Dolph had to step in after Rick Allen had trouble reloading.
I saw Dio on the Holy Diver tour and i swear i thought he was going to stage dive and decapitate me with his sword. i also thought Mike Patton was going to suck me off when he fell off stage, landed at my feet, and used my belt loops as leverage to pull himself back up to his feet, but damn it it didn’t happen.
If Mike Patton fell at my feet, I’d suck him off. Not because I’m a groupie, but because I am a whore. For Mike Patton.
Also, I hope that none of the members of Deftones read this blog. Well, I guess Chi would be okay.
This is terrible.
The Karnivores (the band of Richard Karn, Home Improvement‘s Al Borland) really tear it up.
My tribute band is called Male Patton Baldness.
We suck.
I heard Shatner is a HUGE fan of Richard Karn, Home Improvements’ Al Borland.
(Note the correct apostrophe placement!)
This is just one more thing that makes me pause and say “You know, maybe the Robot Apocalypse won’t be all that bad.”
Hoey, with all due respect, you’re a fucking idiot, and you’re wrong.
For your consideration, Dolph Lungren vs. A.C. Slater fake drum off.
Also, I don’t respect you.
Easy now Jack! I reckon that there stranger didn’t mean no harm anyhow. Why don’t you put them irons up?
*spits tobacco, misses spittoon, gun belt falls around ankles*
Hoey, with all due respect, you’re a fucking idiot, and you’re wrong.
And, just imagine if he didn’t oblige you with all that respect…
There’s no way this will be better than “Die Hard at a hockey game”. JCVD really knows how to fuck up a mascot.
Note to self: never get into a punctuation discussion with a guy who carries an exclamation mark.
Thanks for the reality check, Jacktion. !.
Wow, this place must be the new “over there”!
Awesome, now I can be ostracized in 2 places at once!
Please, Hoey. Everyone gets ostracized over there.
In the thumbnail Dolph looks like Peter Weller from Buckaroo Banzai taking over the drums for the Hong Kong Caviliers.
Or is it just me?
Sweet catch Crappy. Now I’m gonna have to watch TABB again.
I must break you…a phat beat on this snare, brah!
Not many knew that Dolph used to play drums in a Misfits cover band called Lundgren Dungeon.
Ostracize sounds like a crazy fad workout for birds.
Dolph has put holes in more skins than Stabby DeShawn at Corcoran State Pen because he just doesn’t get the concept that you don’t use your foot on the kick drum.
You’d think Dolph would have time to do a little research and practice being a drummer. Instead, he just decided to wear leather pants and mist himself with sensual oils. Bravo Dolph Lungren. Bravo.
I thought this was a trailer for The Expendables’ Concert Film. I realized it wasn’t when I didn’t see Jet playing Li’d guitar.
I’d rather watch “Die Hard at a tween pop concert”.
Dolph Playing Drums = Dog humping bag of Poison
I can see where something that sounds as shitty as Nickelback would incite violence.
Ostracize sounds like a crazy fad workout for birds.
That’s just what it feels like, too!
*wipes away tear with an Emu-feather sweatband*
Elsewhere, Brian Bosworth is sobbing silently into his pillow as he ponders what his career has become.
When this band “kills ‘em” it really kills them.
Dolph Lundgren is to drumming what a bag of used condoms is to drumming.
This band receives a standing novation every night.
Other things Dolph Lundgren can pull out of his ass: hedge trimmers, chandeliers, Russian orphans, Gerald Posner.
Dolph Lungren uses the dick bones of poached Siberian tigers as drumsticks.
Needs more Tommy Lee Jones on harmonica.
Everytime Dolph Lundgren hits a drum, and angel gets explosive diarrhea.
Dolph thinks ride, crash, and splash is what you do on a Jetski.
Dolph’s snare can actually catch prey.
Next to Dolph, Animal looks like Neil Peart.
If someone can confirm that Dolph tries to say ‘paradiddle’ at any point during this film, I’ll watch it.
I like how they shot it from different camera angles, so maybe it would trick our ears into thinking it didn’t sound like a high school marching band percussion section falling down some stairs.
Here’s to the Russian Mafia!
Any chance we can get him an audition with Spinal Tap?
“Die Hard at a Rock Concert” was also the fate of Jeff Tambour, who suffered a massive heart attack after swallowing a bottle of Viagra at a Coheed & Cambria show.
Dolph Lundgren is to aviator sunglasses as Mario Van Peebles is to black guys with small dicks.
In Dolph’s native Sweden, “Lundgren” roughly translates to “ear sodomy.”
Dolph Lundgren doesn’t play the drums. But he does eat a lot of pussy.
Dolph Lundgren was the original drummer for Bo Bice.
I wonder if Dolph says “I must break you” to his drumsticks before snapping them in half.
They should combine Die Hard 1 with Die Hard 2 with Air Force 1 and call it 9/11.
Per Brian Posehn, Nickelback’s music does cause violence. It makes people kick the shit out of Nickelback.