Oh man, today is like Hallotween and Valentween’s Day put together! That’s because Dakota Fanning has been offered a part in New Moon, the upcoming sequel toTwilight. She also needs to stop wearing heels and short dresses because that shit is creepin me out.
“There were no auditions,” a source reveals. “They just offered it to her outright, and now they’re in negotiations. They’ve been going back and forth.”
[Fanning's character] Jane is a member of Italy’s Volturi, the most deadly group of bloodsucking killers in author Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling series.
In the casting notice we got our hands on earlier this month, Jane is described as a petite blonde with a “Botticelli angel-like face…[and] crimson irises.” [E! Online]
Christ. I’m pretty sure the Twilight series is like a reverse mad lib. Stephenie Meyer makes a list of 13-year-old girls’ favorite words and fills in the rest. Hmm, let’s see… Botticelli… angel… crimson… solitude… dazzling… cruel… eternity… duplicity… Ooh, I know! Some bullshit about vampires!
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![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/uproxx-video-whats-your-twilight-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/01/Dakota-Fanning-Twilight-Premiere2-150x150.jpg)
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I’m also really weirded out by that pic.
The mind has flatly stated no but the penis seems willing.
Ah studio execs. Putting the “beat” in Teen Beat.
Is she turning into Naomi Watts? Because that’s fine by my boner.
So they’re removing the aspect where Twilight is a metaphor about the benefits of abstinence?
I think we finally know why Tracy Jordan bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
So they’re removing the aspect where Twilight is a metaphor about the precautions necessary for pedophiliac sex?
She looks like a rook in that dress.
Does she get raped in this one, too? Please?
Frankly I’m surprised it took so long to cast Dakota Fanning as a vampire. Did they just not want to seem to obvious?
FYI-not dead
Fucking vampire stole my o!
So they’re removing the aspect where Dakota Fanning is a metaphor for my sexual frustrations?
“…the most deadly group of bloodsucking killers in author Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling series.”
For a Mormon author this means that they drink soda, watch rated R movies and (get this) stay up until 10:30pm on school nights. Oh Heavenly Father, help us all.
I’m over Miley now…hellooooooo Dakota!
fanning: [fan⋅ing] verb – The act of inducing a boner that will 1) get you arrested in 47 states, 2)prompt uncomfortable questions from your girlfriend that will definitely lead to a fight and/or tearful masturbation.
Some of my co-workers keep telling me to read Twilight. I don’t know whether to be insulted, scared, or both.
Edward bites, Bella creams, Dakota sucks.
If anybody is well-positioned for this, it’s JHC in Nebraska. Hell, wouldn’t we all love to be able to look up and see South Dakota?
Everywhere she goes she has Queen Latifa over her shoulder. EEP!
Patty Boots, I think you should request a transfer to a different Quizno’s.
The Mighty Feklahr’s Patronly Household Figure as a Youth emailed Him this and it made Him ROFLKOTAL:
“SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS”
You can always tell if a vampire is Italian by looking for burns on his chest. Those fuckers just will not take off their crosses for anything.
My coworkers keep asking me how I get the blood stains out.
Or they’re asking to be let out…?
I don’t know.
SHUT THE FUCK UP COWORKERS!
Vinnie – is the meta-tag purposely spelled wrong?
Whatever, I’d Dakota Her Fanny. I’d even reverse Dakota.
Hey! I work fashion retail, thank you very much.
But, yeah, I think those co-workers are out to get me.
@Fek–Dakota is like a slinky: I know I shouldn’t put my dick in that hole, and yet.
Everywhere she goes she has Queen Latifa over her shoulder. EEP!
She needs to have that thing Andy Garcia’d off…
Wait. The Italians are the most deadly group of bloodsucking killers?
I thought “tween” was the term for a taint that hasn’t grown pubes yet.*
*Reason #4,387 why I’m not allowed to teach Jr. High.
@Rot–aka The Choad Less Traveled
You people are all creepy closet pedos; she looks like the lost Hanson brother.
Also big news for tweens – most of you will be living with your parents for a long time.
Peet, you didn’t hear? Here is the new over there.
You people are all creepy closet pedos; she looks like the lost Hanson brother.
Why are you trying to get them hotter?
For the first month that “Mmmmbop” was out, I thought Melissa Joan Hart was the lead singer of Hanson.
For the first month that “Mmmmbop” was out, I thought Melissa Joan Hart was the lead singer of Hanson.
How relieved were you to find out that you hadn’t been masturbating to a chick?
Now Dakoting is the one doing the raping.
Some choice words you missed; nocturnal, Transylvania, coffin, ghoul and screaming sunlight death. Oh, wait, those would suggest a REAL vampire movie…
Rotwangchung:
You say “tearful masturbation” like there’s some other way of doing it