50 CENT AND NIC CAGE IN: ‘THE DANCE’
01.23.09
And now, in news I couldn’t possibly have made up:
50 Cent is also going to be producing movies now, apparently. He’s launching a production company called Cheetah Vision, and he’s claiming that one of the first movies will be The Dance, which will star both Nicolas Cage and 50 himself. [Pitchfork]
Excerpt from THE DANCE, original screenplay:
CAGE: Riddle me this, homeboy, Why is it burned?
50: Yo, man, ow ownknow.
CAGE: WHY IS IT BURNED?
50: (louder) Yo, man, I said, ow own—
CAGE: WHYISITBURNEDWHYISITBURNEDWHYISITBUUUUUUURNED!
*music fades in, dance number then furious make out session*
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![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/01/Nic-Cage-yearbook-150x150.jpg)
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I = Fucking Terrified.
“Cheetah vision” was my excuse for that time I boned my girlfriend’s sister. I had a doctor’s note and everything.
They should just title it “The Piece of Shit”.
“Riddle me this homeboy”? So, Fiddy is going to be Black Riddler? Who’s going to be Really Dark Knight?
“The Dance” is based on the negotiation tactics of Nic Cage’s agent and his ability to ensure a ridiculously gay-hybrid haircut in any project they’re considering.
The Dance: Step-ladder Up 2 His 4-Head
-TRAILER-
*heartbeat SFX*
50 Cent voiceover: “Try and imagine…the first time…you ever…fuck…ing…dance…ed…”
*conga music blasts*
Beats! BEATS! NO, NOT THE BEATS!!!
Has anyone bothered telling 50 Cent that a “production company” doesn’t mean that you run around getting women pregnant?
Cheetah Vision sounds like a rip-off of that Cheaters show.
On the bright side, we can look forward to lots of unintentionally hilarious scenes in this movie.
How did Nic Cage get in that Nig Cage?
It’s called Cheetah Vision because he love him some Hot Cheetos.
*50 Cent stands in a supermarket stacking red peppers*
chodin: “What the fuck are you doing?”
50 Cent: “I started my own producesion company, yo.”
chodin: “Your own what?”
50 Cent: “My own producesion company.”
chodin: “No, dude it’s called a ‘production company’. ”
50 Cent: “That’s what I said, honkey.”
*DVD Commentary*
50: “Aha, I ‘member dis’ scene. Yo big motha’ fuckin’ five-head kept blockin’ da’ fuckin’ camera. Member dat’?”
Nic Cage: “Yeah…yeah…that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that. Thanks Curtis.”
Oh,, now I know why “The Dance” was the working title for “Amos and Andrew 2″
In a heartwarming moment, cultural barriers are broken when Nic lays down on the sidewalk so the local kids can breakdance.
They should cast Channing Tatum and Jessica Alba and make it:
Step Up and do The Dance, Honey!
Is it me or do exclamation marks make every sentence gay?
I get that Richard Simmons vibe when I read my own writing with a “!” at the end.
I will no long Simmonize jokes.
Garth Brooks is relieved that something is now gayer than his song.
It’s you!
“The Dance” is when 50 Cent shoots at Nic Cage’s feet.
pfft(loudly and expletetively)
Gang signs are far less threatening when done with jazz hands.
NOBODY PUTS FIDDY IN A CORNER!
Fiddy’s big dance number will be to I Did the Time of My Life.
Gang signs are far less threatening when [advertised on Nic Cage's forehead].
PHIXZED.
‘The Dance’ is an anagram for ‘Cent Head’.
Now riddle me that, mother fucker?!
Yawn. Call me when he can hook him like a fish from across a dance floor.
^That’s a little move I learned from some noobs called the dick-step.
Original title: Pimps Up Hoedown
I smell
Oscardigity dank shwag!Nueax Up
Curtis: Hurry up Nic my jaws getting sore
Nic: Don’t stop, it’s about to pop off nigga
Working Title: Step Down 2 Da Ghetto.
I always say 50 CENT should be in more things, like a trash compactor.
There’s nothing I could possibly add that could either A. Make this more hillarious or B. Terrifying.