12.26.08 THE TOP 15 FRI FREE FOR ALL CLIPS OF 2008

I don’t do lists that often, but it’s the end of the year and I just took my ADHD medication so I’m feeling really f-cking linear right now.  On that note I present to you: THE TOP 15 FRIDAY FREE FOR ALL VIDEOS OF 2008 (in order of awesomeness).  I’m starting at the bottom, so make sure you read all of this if you want the really good shit.

15.  Twisty Cats

Yes, nothing like a scary witch lady purposely breeding deformed cats because their inability to walk is “so cute.” I think commenter Jacktion! put it best when he said, “I WANT THIS WOMAN DEAD!”

14. Sexman Hates Graffiti

I know the FilmDrunk community is polarized on the issue of Sexman, but if you don’t find Sexman going all local-newscaster-fake-outrage about the issues of graffiti, gangsters, and teenage delinquents at least slightly entertaining, I don’t know what to tell you.

13. Fake Bas Rutten

Fake Bas Rutten was another video the commenters didn’t seem to enjoy nearly as much as I do, but screw you guys, that shit is funny. Granted, it’s a lot funnier if you’ve seen the original Bas Rutten Self-Defense video it’s parodying. I’ll admit, it may be impossible to improve upon the original.

12. “It’s So Cold in the D”

Probably the saddest attempt at a sad rap video of all time. When they lose the beat and start showing pictures of coffins, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I usually go with masturbating. Seems the most neutral.

11. B4-4, 90s Canadian Boy Band. AKA the Most Homoerotic Music Video of All Time

Let me attempt to provide a synopsis: A black kid picks up one of those picture-viewer dealies and sees some orange dudes with frosted tips and pooka shells singing a song on the beach (singing… to him? what the hell is going on?). Black kid suddenly finds himself on said beach, surrounded by women and buff dudes lifting weights. Orange dudes start singing about how if you get down on them they’ll get down on you. Black kid joins girls and orange dudes’ game of beach football. Girls immediately forget orange dudes and swarm athletic black kid while he flexes. Yup, sounds about right. There’s a thesis in here if you analyze this hard enough.

10. Journey at the Center of the Earth

I generally like to pick found video or stuff that’s unintentionally funny for Friday Free for All, but I have to give the guys at Black20 their props, this was only one of many downright inspired mashups this year. It’s also the best thing Brendan Fraser’s been in since School Ties.

9. Cat vs. Printer

If you read this site often, you probably know that it was only every once of self-restraint I had that kept this entire list from being cat videos. The end of this makes me laugh no matter how many times I watch it. In conclusion, I would bang this cat.

8. Mexican Emo Riots

It’s called “Mexican Emo Riots”. It couldn’t not make the list. I’m also a sucker for absurd phony subtitle humor. My favorite part is the cop: “I’m not a hater, I love all children. Young ones… Chubby ones… Occasionally even girls. I like to eat their hearts.”

7. Gary Busey on Prayer Hour

Some A-hole decided to take down the Gary Busey has-a-briefcase-full-of-change-and-a-buck-knife video down, but this appearance on the fake show Prayer Hour is pretty damned good too. Gary Busey is the best person in the world. Say what you will about him being a kooky old coyote eater, as this video shows, the man stands up for what he believes. Every time the host tries to twist his words into support for people donating money, Busey has none of it. Try to imagine a Scientologist doing that, or even the religious Baldwin brother (Billy? Stephen? Daniel? Zeppo?). If it was Tom Cruise on that show, he’d be going, “That’s right, folks, just give this guy some money and he’ll tell you what the secret of life is. Do you see how good I look? All this, just from the knowledge that I’m only $833,000 dollars away from knowing all the secrets of the universe. Please, give everything you’ve got or else the aliens won’t let us pet their space ponies.”

Busey’s key line: “Yeah, let’s go to commercial. Boy, I hope it’s something about toilet fish.”

6. The Indian Dancing Condoms

Not only is it a bunch of Indian guys doing a song and dance number dressed as condoms from the point of view of a condom (for six freakin’ minutes), the song’s pretty catchy too.

5. The Best Music Video That Will Ever Be (Chris Dane Owens’ “Shine”)

Synopsis:

Knight wearing guyliner rides horse through stream
He meets a medieval lady
He valiantly defends her from some sparks
And then the sword-wielding vampire ladies come
Don’t point that thing at me, bitch is you crazy?
Bad guy split screen! Hooded guy in a mask on fire! Two sword ladies!
Wild horses wildly running
Good guy split screen!
And then the snow angels show up. They’ve got candles. For the lovers to drip crotch wax, you see.
Snowy mountains
Matching robes!

And that was only the first 1:20. After that there’re pirates, a ship exploding, a ghost romance, more explosions, a gang of pterodactyls, a crocodile… hold on. Yep, I just came.

4. Ortega Makes Shawn Johnson’s Taco Pop

30 seconds of a 16-year-old gymnast talking about her taco is 15 more than I need. *spent*

3. Banana Smoothie

Ten things to watch for in this video (”Banana Smoothie”, by the Naked Brothers Band, for the record):

1. The show’s name is The Naked Brothers Band
2. The song is called “Banana Smoothie”, slang for semen
3. Creepy pedophile cameraman
4. Phallic banana microphone
5. Lyrics: “Drink up/taste and swallow it. Get up/get on top of it…”
6. Kid on a fucking leash!
7. Boys with coconut bras flexing stomachs
8. Bukkake style milkshake fight
9. White substance flowing down staircase into kitchen
10. Giant banana fight

Apparently, they’re actually pretty popular (Nickelodeon is evil, I don’t know how many times I have to say it). Here’s some pretentious woman from the LA Times telling is why she likes them:

The program is like a more media-savvy “Partridge Family.” It’s bearable for parents — not as good as “Benji,” better than “Camp Rock.” What’s outstanding is the Naked Brothers Band’s music. Soulful power pop in the Hanson vein, it shows more depth and old-school rock and roll attitude than the group’s Disney-fied rivals usually muster.
Bebe and I love all of “I Don’t Want to Go to School,” the band’s second album, but the stand-out track is “Body I Occupy.” A hard to classify pop-rocker about not communicating with someone you love (probably a girlfriend, but maybe a parent), the song turns philosophical as Nat Wolff dwells on the title phrase.
“In this body I occupy,” he sings over and over in a tightly wound falsetto as his brother, Alex, taps out a tense drumbeat and strings and backing vocals swell and eddy around him. The words, repeated over and over, separate from the rest of the song to become an existential meditation. Here’s a kid just realizing that his body limits everything he does — the way he talks, the emotions he can’t control, his ability to stay in a happy moment or get beyond a bad one.
“Time will never stop, and you’ll be turning back in time,” he moans in the bridge, posing that as a threat to whoever has wronged him, but also mulling it himself; it’s the sound of a kid turning into a teen, the first terrifying step into adulthood. Just to send the message home, halfway through Wolff emits a very grown-up little groan and the guitars sag — an obvious reference to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” With that undercurrent resonating, the Naked Brothers Band meld the bounce of childish emotion and the gravitas of adolescent angst.

Good job, lady, three guys from NAMBLA are totally scratching their chins over that one.

2. (You knew this was coming) Nic Cage - the Bear Punch in Wicker Man

I love Adaptation, but this is Nic Cage’s finest performance. I humbly submit that a bear suit would make any of his roles at least 55% more convincing. Also: I liked it when he punched the girl.

1. Rabbit, from Runwrake.

Trippiest video of 2008, bar none. It’s like I died and went to hell and the devil fed me blotter acid and we rode around in the belly of a tyrranosaurus.