Uwe Boll with the two people who saw Postal
Details of Uwe Boll’s next project have hit the web (background on Uwe Boll: psychologically imbalanced German B-movie director most famous for taking on critics in a boxing match).
Lauren Holly and Luke Perry star in the $5 million apocalyptic thriller “The Storm,” which German filmmaker Uwe Boll is shooting in Vancouver. Holly plays a dedicated wife and mother who must deal with the end of days scenario — all heightened by the arrival of a mysterious stranger named Silas (Perry) who holds the key to the approaching doom. [THR/Yahoo]
I want to like Uwe Boll, I really do. Everyone ganged up on him last year, and despite the fact that his movies are awful, a lot of people who passed around the petition to stop him from making films also called Indiana Jones 4 “Another fun adventure!” But bottom line: his movies are complete wastes of money. Who the hell is funding this? For $5 million, you could feed the homeless, build a robot pterodactyl, pay hookers to pull you around on a rickshaw for a year, buy a yacht, buy a bazooka, buy a yacht just to blow it up with a bazooka… the world is pretty much your oyster. Instead we’ve got a director famous for being a failure directing a 90210 hasbeen in a script from the Roland Emmerich-reject pile. God I hate people.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/01/luke1-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2010/12/Dolph-Lundgren-tan-150x150.jpg)
This will be worth watching only if Lauren Holly shows her tits.
I don’t know…I watched about 30 minutes of In the Name of The King on cable this weekend and I’ll be damned if it’s not the most elaborate shock-art prank of all time. I defy you to find any movie with that many different accents. He might be a mad genius.
P.S. It’s worth the price of admission just to see Burt Reynolds phone in a medieval king performance opposite the dude from SLC Punk.
welcome back kurgan and brooklyn
Sup?
Mock him if you must but taking a boll movement while on a toilet boll while having a chick boll-ow you is one of the greatest joys in life. You never forget your first boll-umpkin.
I still haven’t watched the Postal DVD Vince sent me, even though he included a pair of his underwear with a black lipstick kiss imprint on them…
I’m what you might call a video game fag, but I’ve never heard of “The Storm”. Was that on Colecovision?
*picks up controller, resumes trash-talking to 12 year old Belgium over X-Box live*
UNO motherfucker! How you like me now!?!?
That wasn’t lipstick.
Anybody else think Uwe Boll should be bald with an eyepatch?
I can only assume Luke Perry’s character will be many, many years younger than his true age.
I only take the time to hate Boll because he’s a moron at cinema but a genius at separating even dumber morons from large sums. He gets consistent funding and I still can’t negotiate a $.25/hour raise.
/ruefully puts on hairnet
fuck you. I don’t know what you’d call someone from Belgium. Belgian, I suppose. I meant to put Belgium kid. eat a dick.
J, I thought you were playing against a whole country.
or a waffle.
*goes to warm up the corner*
Banner Pic: Put down the sharpie, Boll. There’s no shaming you can do with that thing that will ever equal having one’s picture taken with you.
Fuck a muppet! FUCK A MUPPET!
FUCK
A
MUPPET!!
OK, granted, it’s cheap to film here, but $5M? So Lauren Holly and Luke Perry are working for free now?
If we could just get Uwe Boll to do his version of ‘The Happening’ I’m sure we’d have some comedy gold on our hands.
Yo, check out that chick’s hand, it’ll fuck up your head.
That writer uses the term “thriller” the same way I use “birth control.”
{Takes a shit in a sock half filled with Rice Crispies}
I’m coming for you Uwe…
Woman on the left is definitely Stifler’s mom from American Pie. Now I won’t be able to jack it to that movie without having nightmares.
Uwe Boll, his smile says “I’m a fackin retard” but his eyes say “I rape kittens.”
Don’t lower yourself, Mr. Perry. Don’t do it. Use the force, Luke!
Uwe Boll dabbled in pacifism, but not in Vietnam.
Mr. Josh, if you are still beating off to American Pir than it’s obvious that you have no taste…..
*opens Tiger Beat magazine to a picture of the Jonas Brothers and beats dick off until he cums blood*
Uwe Boll once cleared his house of visitors by pissing into a zip lock bag and menacing them with it.
With $5 million, Luke Perry could buy a new facial expression.
I still wish I had Luke’s 90210 hair…..
Sir…I’d like to buy that bag of piss
Michael Bay hearing of new Boll movie…
Publicist: Heard of the movie, “The Storm,” Mike?
Michael Bay: No. Who’s directing?
Publicist: Uwe.
Michael Bay: “Me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
Hilarity ensues.
Gary Busey thinks Uwe Boll is out of his fucking mind.
That’s fucking Oliver Stone on the right isn’t it?
ISN’T IT!?!
The worst thing about Boll is that thirty years from now our kids and grandkids will think he’s harmless camp like Ed Wood.
And with that, let us commence with the cross dressing accusations.
With $5 million, Uwe Boll could finally purchase that missing, front middle tooth.
There’s something about Uwe Boll’s face that makes me want to fucking hit it with a stick.
I think it’s its size…yeah, pretty sure.
Uwe Boll is the only grown adult still rocking a fucking Kool-Aid mustache.
An anagram of Uwe Boll is “Owl Lube.” Somehow, it makes sense.
I hear Uwe Boll demands only two takes of each shot.
The second take is to see if they can make it shittier than the first.
Uwe Boll prefers to call out “FUCK SHIT” instead of “action”.
Acotr: “How was that take, Uwe? How was my preformance?”
Uwe Boll: “I don’t know?”
Uwe Boll ticket prices are justified if you’re location scouting for an empty fucking theater.
Uwe Boll thinks “Schindler’s List” should have more dragons……..and less Jews.
I just don’t know how Luke Perry is going to schedule this around not doing anything else.
I think it’s cool that Luke Perry is finally making the leap into deep fucking depression.
I would honestly curb stomp a premi’s head to get my hands on Uwe Boll’s “Luke Perry Audition Tape”.
Obviously everyone who rags on Uwe Boll has never seen BloodRayne. Michael Madsen with a mullet playing a medieval vampire hunter? Come on.