
The poster for 4 Fast 4 Furious (4ast and 4urious? Come on title-thinker-upper guys, I’m just making you look bad now.) just hit the web, and as you can see, the artwork – barely visible characters silhouetted in the reflected light from a car’s hood – is a pretty accurate representation of why people see these movies . Look, I’m not so much of a hater that I don’t see the appeal: things that go vroom, I get it. Fine. But watch the trailer.
The premise is that they hijack a gas truck while it’s still moving. Can you think of a dumber, more illogical, more unecessarily difficult criminal enterprise than that? What they’re essentially telling you is that if you like cars, you’re a moron and they’re not going to waste their time thinking up anything remotely plausible because who cares. It’s like wanting to rob a pilot and the best plan you can think of is to fly up alongside them and jump on their wing. But man, that would be pretty f-cking xxxxtreeme. Where’s Bodhi when you need him? Swayze > Diesel.

[via MTV, obvi]



God must hate me because this opens on my birthday.
I thought there was a court order barring Michelle Rodriguez from being in this.
Ha! I just said “Barring Michelle Rodriguez”!
Swayze > Diesel
Ah, but should he be burned for fuel?
From the angle off the reflection of the cast on the hood, it looks like they are about to get ran the fuck over.
The “R/T” emblem on the grill lets you know this movie is going to be “ReTarded”.
“New Model. Original Parts.”
So it’s a pre-op tranny on that car?
Paul Walker prepares for roles by watching Keanu Reeves movies at half speed.
That’s the worst hood mural I’ve ever seen.
For a bunch of gear heads, they look like they’re having a pretty hard time figuring out how to pop the hood and hook up the jumper-cables.
More like the Bi and the Curious.
*pours piss boot* :D
Vin Diesel: “I uh, I think it might be your alternator”
The only car powered by Swayze-diesel is the 2009 Yugogirl.
And you’re SURE this isn’t the poster for ‘Tremors 5: Douchebags in cars’?
The movie blows, does the driver?
Can you think of a dumber, more illogical, more unecessarily difficult criminal enterprise than that?
Maybe hijacking a toothbrush from a convenience store then outrunning the cops on a hockey rink.
Bodhi? The Vampiress from Baldur’s Gate II???
…
GRRR…FALLOUT 3!!!!!
They need to re-jig the title to “4ast and 4rious: 4 Serious”
Vin Diesel: “It uhhh, I think you may need, uhh, blinker fluid”
This movie is so gay, Paul Walker gives Michelle Rodriguez road head.
The only reason Vin’s got his arms crossed is his refusal to work on the engine. And ruin his manicure?! IS YOU CRAZY?!
This movie is so gay, the poster grabs dudes’ asses as they walk past in the theater lobby.
How convenient that everything pictured on that car hood is a blower of some sort.
When this comes out on DVD, I’m going to buy it with hopes that when I open the case, I get a Jordanna Brewster sex tape instead.
Oooh, look! A blower! And one of those chrome thingies on the car, too!
McG is going to sue when he sees his 13th new Terminator model ended up on this hood. That was going to be the highlight of his third act.
*taking the whole setting into account*
Vin: I don’t believe this.
Paul: What?
Vin:
Larry,Paul, we’re outta gas.Speaking of road-head, is it wrong to still beat off to pics of Jayne Mansfield?
Vin, Paul, Michelle, Jordanna, can I refill your eggnog? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
Tagline: “You thought this franchise had run out of steam? Good job it runs on DIESEL.”
Movies like this make me glad I drive a Saturn.
DELGO!
Speaking of road-head, is it wrong to still beat off to pics of Jayne Mansfield?
No, but she won’t be able to keep the pearl necklace on.
Burnsy, I don’t know where you’re going with this, but….
DOOGAL!
Vin goes from living his life a quarter mile at a time, to eating Quarter Pounders with fries. The only good thing to come out of this will be the rock/rap Add-On to Guitar Hero.
Fast and Fourious: Douches R’ Us