I’ve hated Jerry Bruckheimer for so long that sometimes I wonder, “Hey, isn’t it about time to start pretending to like him ironically now?” One would think. But it’s projects like this that make it impossible to pretend. Here’s the rundown:
Title: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Starring: Nic Cage as the Sorcerer, Jay Baruchel as his apprentice [Let me repeat that for emphasis: NIC CAGE AS A SORCERER. Run for your lives, it's the enchanted forehead!]
Director: John Turtletaub, of National Treasure fame
Writers: Lawrence Konner and Mark Rosenthal. Credits include: Superman IV, the 2001 Planet of the Apes remake.
Script rewrite by: Matt Lopez. Credits include: Bedtime Stories, Race to Witch Mountain
The Rundown: a live-action reimagining of Fantasia, set in contemporary New York, where a wizard searches for an apprentice. [Variety]
Well at least it’s a contemporary sorcerer. I mean, this can’t be your grandma’s warlock. This necromancer, he’ll really need to connect with today’s youth. Could he be an XXXtreme Wizard? A rap-metal conjurer? A hip-hop magician, perhaps? Ahh, Suckheimer. No one else can so consistently undershoot the lowest common denominator.
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![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Tooth-Fairy-Main-150x150.jpg)
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He’ll find his apprenctice selling bootleg dvd’s on a street corner.
Bruckheimer has also apparently turned into David Spade in the interim.
They should call it “Save the Last Chants.”
Bruckheimer is pissed because he hired this team of superstars just minutes before the cast and crew of Knight Rider became available.
I got fired from the funeral parlor for being a necromancer.
I disagree, Marty McBrundlefly.
This should be called The Magically Hip.
Does Bruckheimer always wear that “ET” button?
We get it, it was a good movie, but it was 25 years ago.
The script re-writer only changed one thing. He added a bear punching scene at Cage’s request.
Bruckheimer looks like Michael Bay after growing a beard and losing a shovel fight.
I got nothing. Seriously. All I can wonder is why Jay Baruchel would resort to this.
Needs more Busey.
This is closest Weston Coppola will ever get to Satan.
Oh, and a lesbian scene between Laura Prepon and Alicia Witt.
“This is closest” is what Japanese drivers say when they parallel park.
Don Simpson used to think like you do Vince. Used to.
When Cage was told he would being doing an urban Fantasia he replied, “What, that American Idol winner?”
Matt Lopez’s job is to add ‘e’ to the beginning of all the words that start with ‘s’.
I thought “Little Nicky” was a “re-imagining” of “Fantasia” set in New York? At least, that’s what I could figure out from the 12 seconds I caught while channel-surfing last month.
Wait, was Superman IV the one with the Sun clone? That’s what I thought. This is gonna be fucking awesome.
I asked my dyslexic aunt if I could have some Rap-gicians for my 10th birthday and she had me buggered by Siegfried and Roy.
AL-WTF is up with Prime Minister Palpatine, eh?
Oh um… you didn’t hear it from me, but now’s a good time to invade my country, guys.
New up – with more Cage!
No takers on invading Al’s “cuntry”? It’s like He doesn’t even know any of you any more!
Anyone else think that J.B. looks like A [Fucking] Gnome Named Norm? (image available here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v134/DD4me2/amhmyspacecomments/mikemyspacecomments/gnorm.jpg)
I imagine they just re-edited Cage’s footage from To Catch a Predator.