Fox (who else) is set to adapt How to Talk to Girls, a 46-page self-help book written by 9-year-old Colorado-an Alec Greven.
Greven wrote “Girls” as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair; he wrote it after he noticed his peers were having some trouble talking to the ladies, though the book is geared for all ages. Among this advice: Comb your hair and don’t wear sweats; control your hyperness and cut down on sugar if necessary; a crush is like a love disease that can drive you mad; it is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry but are like cars that need a lot of oil. [Yahoo/THR]
The precocious child is easily the most annoying pop culture cliché of all time. It exists only insofar as some kid has figured out how to manipulate gullible adults into getting a you’re so cute! pat on the head. Yeah that’s great, keep encouraging him in all his annoying habits for the few years they’re still cute, that’ll do wonders for his development.
See, when the other 9-year-olds were out eating bugs and farting on each other, they were really just lost souls in need of some sage advice about not wearing sweatpants. Oh boy, now we can talk to girls, they’ll say! But wait, how do we trick them into touching dog poop?
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I wish Andy Milonakis would die.
I’m still gonna stick with the “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” routine. That’s been working just fine for the past 20 years, thank you.
This will be as awesome as that kid in Love, Actually!
Yeah, big jewelry. That’s what pretty girls have.
This kid thinks he’s so F-ing smart. As a 9-year old, I treated girls like shit and destroyed their self-esteems so they would grow up to be whores.
My grandma is apparently a supermodel.
I think my free ice cream sign and “your mom told me to bring you home from the skating rink tonight” strategy is working just fine, so fuck off little boy.
Ten Bucks says Alec Greven comes out of the closet before age 18.
That’s right, I’m offering Milwaukee’s starters and second-string.
Why not? They’re not using ‘em.
This is exactly how Tucker Max got his start.
I prefer SNL’s version of this.
Another safe bet: Fox has Jason Biggs atop the short list of potential leads.
Meanwhile, Alec’s 7-year old sister has already developed an eating disorder and screams hysterically if anyone touches her.
“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil”
So, they either burn through lubricant or they leak?
Meanwhile, no one has shown any interest in the book I wrote at 12 “Once you’re their friend, they’ll want to kiss you.”
So, a ZABA search revealed that “Alec Greven” was born “Alec Greven Rader.” I’m pre-ordering on Amazon.
I also look for this to revive Bill Cosby’s career as NBC options him for a show titled “Kids Write The Dumbest Shit for Fox”.
Best pick up line I ever heard was from an eight year old. He told me he wanted to smear my lipstick hard. I wasn’t really wearing any though…shit, was that little turd asking to borrow some makeup? He seemed surprised when I took off my top.
My ass could write for Fox and be funnier.
The Mighty Feklahr’s childhood self-help book mostly consisted of strategies for conserving mana and how to time those counter-spells!
And by ass I mean Donk.
At 9, I knew how to talk to girls.
“Cootie face!” “You’re gross!” “Close your fucking legs, it smells like fish in here!”
*bridges fingers and grins wickedly*
The trap…has been…SET! MWU-WHA HA HA HA!
When I was nine, I thought jacking off was the best thing ever.
Until last week when I discovered jacking off in a girl’s hair while she sleeps.
Apparently, the only option Fox won’t take is the one offered by Dr. Kevorkian.
When I was 9, I was all about getting the teacher’s aid to bend over my desk and help me with math.
I don’t know about talking to girls at 9, but I could get 45 extra men on Super Mario Brothers with my eyes closed.
“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”
Well yes, because I constantly need to check it.
When I was 9, I was trying to convince the girl across the street that I wasn’t “peeing” in her mouth.
When I was nine, I was trying to get the babysitter to walk in on me beating off.
J, I can still get those extra men.
Call me, ladies.
Extra upsetting with that avatar Pauly. I mean intriguing.
The “Save Now For Her Future” ad is channeling my inner 9-year old.
At 9, I was happy if I didn’t put my fucking shirt on backwards.
At 9, I was happy if I didn’t put my fucking shirt on backwards.
J-He swears to Kahless, He went to work with His shirt inside-out today. :(
“comb your hair, don’t wear sweats”
This tip isn’t big with the State Fair goers in Nebraska.
When I was nine I was stealing my Step-Dad’s roaches and listening to Gang Starr.
WHen I was nine, I swiped some of my dad’s Peppermint Schnapps and listened to Duran Duran!
When He was nine, He was Rick James, and the Sega Master System was His bitch.
At 9, my mornings consisted of peeing, checking for a pube, brushing my teeth, checking again for a pube, wet my hair and flatten it to my head, check one last time for a pube, out the door.
Any of those pubes come in yet, J?
Or maybe you had an older brother with a penchant for inappropriate pube placement J?
This guy’s just promoting pedophilia.
At 9, I spent equal time looking at my Dad’s smut books and Nintendo Power Magazine.
Other books for sale at this school were
Booger Eating and You – Will it help you grow pubes?
Booger Wall Building and Maintenance
Why Boobies? Why Not?
When I was nine, I was busy working out how I could get my mum to buy me a Michael Jackson Beat It jacket.
Marty, not to depress you further but I had that jacket when I was 8. Went as Michael for Halloween that year.
“comb your hair, don’t wear sweats”
This tip isn’t big with the State Fair goers in Nebraska.
I picture the entire state of Nebraska like one giant, perpetual State Fair.
When I was nine, I was thinking about how I could grow up to be like Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco… DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU FUCKING CUNTS?!?!
Title should be KID TOUCH!
When I was nine, I was watching my buddies die face down in the muck. The only girls for me to talk to apparently loved me for a long time and cost 5 bucks.
When I was nine, I listened to Appetite For Destruction for the first time and thought, “These guys are going to be making albums decades.”
*for
When I was 29, I was taking typing lessons from a 9-year old.
It’s OK Burnsy, when he was 9 years old Jacktion! wanted to grow up to be Rickey Henderson. And so he did.
Stoney, you’re not too far off there. If they allowed sister fucking in public at the Fair, you’d be spot on.
*hikes up loose sweats, swipes hair hanging in face*
When I was 9, I was the fastest kid in my class. When I was 10, LeShawn Williams moved here. Bastard.
If this book doesn’t have detailed instructions on how to construct a High School Musical poster lure with a fishing pole and 25lb test, then I’m out.
When I was nine, I was already a pretty experienced fight choreographer. Let the writers figure out why Leonardo and One-Legged He-Man were fighting, I was more interested in spinning back kicks.
You gotta applaud the kid for telling guys to get a head start on this. Because once you grow up, you find out that when a girl hits her 24th birthday, that’s pretty much it for the hotness. Then you have to dust off your Camaro and start cruising past the high schools/community colleges to get a new one.
Also, New Up.
How many of these Fox Execs have been on To Catch a Predator?
Diddy wants Jaden Smith’s son to play a black Alec Greven who wrote a book called “How to bang them bitches; and still keep it on the down low”.
That’s B.S. I parted my hair, rocked slacks, wasn’t hyper, and didn’t get sh*t.
Don’t wear sweats? That’s the best way to show off your hard on. This kid doesn’t know shit.
All this kid needs now is his own show on VH1, and I’m hooked
Also, If I wanted advice from nine year olds, I ask for it from the wigger kids that hang out at the mall.
The sad thing is, is that I have