Let me preface this story by saying that by all credible accounts, Chris Nolan still hasn’t officially signed on for a Dark Knight sequel, so all casting rumors at this stage could only turn out to be true by sheer coincidence.  Now that that’s out of the way, let’s all bask in the glow of The Sun, who truly deserve a Pulitzer in unapologetic bullshitting.

FUNNYMAN EDDIE MURPHY will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal.  The Beverly Hills Cop star, 47, has been signed up by British director CHRISTOPHER NOLAN to reprise the role played by JIM CARREY in 1995’s Batman Forever.  The surprise move follows speculation linking Pirates of the Caribbean star JOHNNY DEPP to the part.

They don’t even use “may” or “an insider tells us.” They’re just that sure.

The film, set for a 2010 release, is being developed under the working title Gotham.
Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star SHIA LABEOUF, 22, to play Robin.
CHRISTIAN BALE will return as Bruce Wayne, while MICHAEL CAINE will again play Bruce’s assistant Alfred.
Meanwhile, Brit RACHEL WEISZ is said to be up for the Catwoman role.
Insiders also revealed to The Sun the flick will end on a cliffhanger over whether Batman survives a blast at Wayne Towers.

…And in the FOURTH SCENE, sources say ROBOCOP RIDING A UNICORN will face an epic battle with the PATRICK SWAYZE CENTAUR.   Simply breathtaking.  The depth and breadth of their fake knowledge knows no bounds.  Do you think there’s a meeting where they decide how many made up facts to use? Also, they once again use an obviously photoshopped picture to accompany the story, but if you try to right-click and save it, you get a copyright no-use-without-permission notice.  Really?  You’re claiming a copyright on Eddie Murphy with white hands?  I can’t decide whether to be insulted or to admire them for their balls.  Let’s go with insulted.  Last time I tried to admire a guy’s balls he misinterpreted it and was really just unpleasant about the whole thing.