COMMENTS OF THE WEEK: THE WACKNESS
12.22.08
Happy Monday (that’s an oxymoron, LOL!1!), FilmDrunkards. Last week’s Comments of the Week winner will be receiving a brand new The Wackness DVD (trailer here). Starring Josh Peck, Olivia Thirlby, and Ben Special K Kingsley, it’s a 90s period piece about a dope-smoking psychologist (Kingsley) who starts paying his young dealer in therapy sessions (Peck), only to watch him fall for his teenage daughter (Thirlby). I’ve supposedly got a review copy on its way to me, I’ll post my review as soon as it gets here.
As always, the way this works is, when a commenter makes a comment worthy of recognition, YOU nominate it by copy and pasting it in the comments section of this post. I’LL pick the winner from among the nominees next Sunday/Monday. (Often, like today, the winner gets a prize). FYI, the nomination thread is always linked in the ABOUT section.
Let’s begin with the runners up. From the Encounters at the End of the World thread, I enjoyed the hell out of RoboPanda‘s Werner Herzog impression (is that obscure enough for you guys? Good.):
RoboPanda says, “Zis is the albino pigmy seal, ze mutter and ze baby. When fully grown, zey are almost as intimidating as ze chickens. I had zis remembrance of ze chicken* when I look at ze mutter albino pigmy seal and zen I shotgun blast it to ze face. Und now we zoom in ze camera on the albino pigmy seal baby. Look at it so sad now. Nothingness. Der is no explaining. Mutter ist tot. (* He has an issue with chickens. Seriously.)”
Next up, Rexy, from the Remake of The Crow thread:
Rexy says, “‘Whereas Proyas’ original was gloriously gothic and stylized, the new movie will be realistic, hard-edged and mysterious, almost documentary-style,” Norrington told Daily Variety‘ – Just what we need now. Crowverfield.
From the same thread:
MaxwellDemon says, “In this real estate market, it would be scarier if they made The Escrow. Caw caw, your credit sucks!”
From the Second-Life Movie thread:
Donkey Hodey says, “My Second-Life character, F-ckstrong McArmorballs spends all of his time playing as his Third-Life character, Joey Meta.”
From the Eddie Murphy Rumored for The Riddler thread:
Stinky Peet says, “They originally cast John Leguizamo in that role, but test audiences kept asking why half of the question marks on his unitard were upside down.”
From the Happy Holidays from Black Dynamite/Michael Jai White Invented Jai Alai thread:
Jacktion! says:
You motherfucka
I am gonna kick yo’ ass
You are fuckin’ deadThat’s a Jai-ku
Well played. From the Frank Stallone Reality Show thread:
Rotwangchung says, “I imagine the show’s just gonna be Frank driving around trying to pick up low-cost hookers: IROC of Love”
And of course it wouldn’t be Comments of the Week without an appearance by my hetero life partner Chodin. From the Grey’s Anatomy Video Game thread:
chodin says, “I’ve already got the cheat code for this game: Up+Down+Left+Right+Gun+Forehead+Suicide+Nobody+Will+Miss+You”
W
hich brings us to… THIS WEEK’S WINNING COMMENT. From the Jeremy Piven is a Liar thread:
Mark It Zero says:
“Holy shit. Piven’s bringing back the braided belt.
*Runs to closet, opens army footlocker*
Come to daddy boys!”
What can I say, it just had that special something winning comments are made of. Thanks to everyone who commented and nominated, and Mark it zero, send me your address to collect your DVD.

Thanks, Vince – I forgot that I wasn’t funny last week.
Congrats MIZ!
I was pricing the different dry cat foods at Wal-Mart last night, and my attention was consistently drawn back to the Special Kitty brands for being the cheapest and not the cheapest looking bag of cat food available out there. I finally decided to go with this brand and as i was lowering the 10lb. bag into my cart, i spoke the words “Special Kitty” in a very loud voice, and my tone was very reminiscent of Patrick on Spongebob. Not only that, but by instinct from years of picking on people less fortunate than myself, i also curled my right arm up to my chin and held my index finger out while twisting my left foot around at a very awkward angle to give the impression that i was, um, special.
This elderly couple caught me and gave me the dirtiest look i’ve had cast in my direction since i wore my Slayer Reign in Blood tour t-shirt to church back in 1985. I told them that i wasn’t making fun of retards since i bang one regularly and sometimes even call her my girlfriend in public, but they didn’t listen to me. So i followed them around, still limping and keeping the one hand under my chin and pointing at them and started chanting “Special Kitty”. I hadn’t seen old people move so fast since that time i told grandpa that there was a colored in his yard.
Well done, Zero.
Congrats MIZ, you funny bastard.
I swear, the Kurgan is the funniest psycho I’ve seen since I attended 9th grade at the Menninger Clinic. But they weren’t funny on purpose, and frequently accosted people for laughing at them.
Let’s get this week started with 7732 (Cheetah Lady)
Burnsy scores a 69 on the ACT with this gem:
A cat that wants to eat Chinese food is like a French person that wants to eat pussy.
Thanks, Donk, I was going to nominate that one but forgot.
*rubs crotch, winks at MIZ*
Stone Soup, 7422, it’s a non-sequitir and probably stolen from Henny Youngman and who knows how long he’s been waiting to use it, but this line still got me to spit coffee on my desk:
Bolt was so bad that they rolled debits at the end.
who knows how long he’s been waiting to use it
A couple days. I’m happy I remembered it.
Congrats MIZ! I’m still
proudsurprised of my runner up too, lol.From the Bay Bruckhiemer thread about Cocaine Cowboys:
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
Donkey Hodey says:
Five bucks says Wahlberg shows up to the first day of shooting wearing chaps.
In 7745 (the Cowboys of Dallas), Rexy hits a slam dunk with:
A cocaine cowboy uses the term “4th and Down” to indicate the last 8-ball before lunch.
7760
Rotwangchung says:
Well, it’s better than the first version: Astro Boy: Glide into adventure!
In 7760, I’m being serious this time when I nom Rotty with:
Astro Boy’s arch enemy is Michael Jackson with a butterfly net.
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=7760
Burnsy says: “NAMBLA-influenced” appears six times on my resume.
yep. Burnsy’s NAMBLA comment takes it. Just send him Krush Groove right now.
7765 (It’s a good thing He is here to nom the REALLY funny posts!)
Aimlessly On says:
Vin, Paul, Michelle, Jordanna, can I refill your eggnog? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?
Second Aimlessly’s post (which, ironically, is right on target).
7765 (4Fast 4Furious)
Burnsy again:
Paul Walker prepares for roles by watching Keanu Reeves movies at half speed.
7781
Pauly Dangerously says:
I CAN HAZ SWORD OF OMENZ?
Museum 2:
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Stone Soup says:
Bottom line, if you have to take the little poop machines to a dark room in the hopes that they’ll shut up for five seconds
I’ve found that the drier works just as well.
In 7784, Beek earns herself at least dinner with:
Courtesy Handjob is my Indian name.
Bex nearly made milk shoot out my nose in 7784:
“They should make a sitcom about vampires who live in new york but are successfull lawyers during the day, it should be called: Fucking Jews”
Second Bex in 7784.
7793 (Star Wars Musical)
Fek is inspired:
Leia, Leia, who can He turn to?
You give Him something He can hold onto
He knows you got a restraining order before
When He saw you through your bedroom window
Leia, He has your number,
He needs to make you His.
Leia, don’t change your number,
3-2-6-3-8-2-7 (3-2-6-3-8-2-7)
3-2-6-3-8-2-7 (3-2-6-3-8-2-7)
7798 Reluctantflux
So Dakota Fanning’s power is that she can see the future…but it’s just a “possible” future. If they do things differently, then her ‘vision’ may not come true? So…in other words…she just has a fucking imagination.
3RD BEX’S FUCKING JEWS
7813 (Hustla special) From “Spooner” thread:
Rotwangchung says:
Personally, I’m a “sporker.” Basically, it means I’ll spoon a fat chick until she farts.
I seconding Rotty’s Sporker. Those things are the pinnacle of fatass technology.
^^I’m also going to resolve in 2009 to use the present 1st singular of the verb ‘be’ more often.
Fek 7793. Genius.
7835 (Lonestar the Gay Band)
Stone Soup:
There’s only one closeted homosexual band who would DARE give me the raspberry…
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/?p=7835#comments
Pauly sings “O cum all ye faithful” to me-
What is not seen in that album cover is that they are all sitting on one upturned barstool.
#7839
Stone Soup says:
There’s only one closeted homosexual band who would DARE give me the raspberry…
7835, Pauly kisses my mistletoe with:
“I think they took the ‘Don we now our gay apparel’ line waaaaay too seriously.”
Also, Rotty is trying to get me hustla’d on Christmas Eve with his sporker post in 7813.
7835 Fek needs to get out of my dreams, and into me car:
Pictured: Boyz IV Men
7835 Second Fek
7765
Aimlessly On says:
“Can you think of a dumber, more illogical, more unecessarily difficult criminal enterprise than that?”
Maybe hijacking a toothbrush from a convenience store then outrunning the cops on a hockey rink.
7777
Stone Soup says:
I once was Frank Miller’s partner for a game of Pictionary. We lost, mainly because he refused to show his drawings until he finished shading them in.
7813
Charlie Br0nze says:
Secret cancer? Is that like Secret Santa? I gave one colleague some Cesium-137 this year.
7835
The Mighty Feklahr says:
After this photoshoot, the guys from Lonestar held hands, wakeboarded, ran on the beach, mountain-biked, and took their Valtrex.
7835 2nd this (It would be a 3rd, but Honor doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing):
Stone Soup says:
There’s only one closeted homosexual band who would DARE give me the raspberry…
Yeah, there’s other Spaceballs refs in that thread, but Stoney drops my mask and knocks me out with his camera lens with that one.
7866- Pauly: Play this movie backwards and you get “Summer School” with Mark Harmon.
The sleeper comment that came outta nowhere and killed me.