COCAINE COWBOYS: BAY & BRUCKHEIMER
12.22.08The 2006 documentary Cocaine Cowboys has already spawned a sequel and a planned adaptation 
starring Mark Wahlberg with Peter Berg (The Kingdom, Hanock) attached to direct. It’s also becoming a pilot for an HBO series executive produced by none other than… (wait for it) … Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay.
What better team to produce a realistic look at the heyday of the coke trade in the 80s? After all, Bruckheimer produced CSI: Miami so this is right up his alley (YEEEEEEAAAHHH…). Why, I can practically hear the brainstorming sessions:
BRUCKHEIMER: *sniff* Okay, now, what if… what if the drug dealer, okay… now what if the drug dealer’s success was destined… because of uh …a prophecy! …Yes, a prophecy… as foretold by an evil witch… from olden times …and written in invisible ink on… on the back of the Magna Carta! And at some point, the witch’s enemies, right? They’ve turned her into… into a wallaby! So every time we see the witch plotting, she’s played by a talking wallaby! That loves hip hop!
BAY: *sniff* Yeah yeah, that’s good! And and and and…
…When the drug dealers start making money… they spend it on… on… a robot pterodactyl! …Who breaths fire! And shoots, uh… missiles from its tail! Yes yes, this is perfect. ……Wait, are you thinking what I’m thinking?IN UNISON: Straight talking black sidekick!
BRUCKHEIMER: *sniff* Oh yes, this is too good. Get that screenwriter on the phone right now.
BAY: *sniff* No no no… This is something we’d better explain in person. We’ll take the jet. *presses giant red button on desk, disappears through trap door*
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I just came.
“You forgot your snorting pass!”
Wow, this is a lot better “getting high” story than His smoking a bowl of Northern Lights, ordering a pizza, and playing Mario 64…
I don’t remember Michael Irvin ever blowing anything up, but i’m sure we’ll see something similiar happen on this show.
Is there a scene where Quentin Tarantino tries to lasso his own chin?
The first time He did acid, He watched “PeeWee’s Playhouse: Christmas Special”.
Does that explain a few things?
This is a bad idea.
It could be hard for Bruckheimer and Bay to shoehorn enough explosions into it.
Michael Bay will find a way to work Tank Johnson into this.
Five bucks says Wahlberg shows up to the first day of shooting wearing chaps.
Bruckheimer has been looking for a reason to reintroduce Stanley Goodspeed.
Have you ever noticed that if you get really good acid, every movie is like a 3D movie?
Magic Mushrooms helps you rake leaves faster…and more creatively!
Flat out, nothing beats getting a hummer while you’re high. Doesn’t matter who it’s from.
Mark Wahlberg will, of course, play Jerry Jones.
I thought that the coke trade of the 80′s was when Coca Cola changed their formula.
Wahlberg has been practicing for this role by shoving balloons up his ass.
Johnny Depp makes a “clever” appearance as a speech-slurring, rum-chugging cargo boat hijacker.
Michael Jai White as Michael Irvin in a fur coat and go-to-hell sunglasses.
Nic Cage will play Troy Aikman’s helmet.
Ray Liotta will want to play Tommy Vercetti. Again.
Gary Coleman is in talks to play Emmett Smith.
*raises hand*
Um, I would like to play Pacman Jones. Please?
Clayton Holmes will play himself or suck dick for some cocaine.
Mike Ditka, who will be playing himself, has been asked to ‘tone it down’.
Keenan Tompson as Leon Lett.
If you looked at my last comment and thought to yourself, “Who is that obscure football reference,” here is a hell of a read for you: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=pearlman/080110&sportCat=nfl
DJ Qualls can play Lyle Alzedo
Alternative title: Blow…shit up
Actually, Burnsy, I looked at Stoney’s comment and thought to myself, “FUCK MIKE!!”.
Gina Gershon will play every hooker.
They should call this movie Miami Vices: Curse of the Colombian White.
When they told Mark Wahlberg they’d film some of it “over his shoulder like a third-person shooter,” he immediately bent over and handed the camera guy some lube.
I’m going to have to increase tumbleweed production if demand remains this high for much longer.
This is Bruckheimer’s clever way of remaking Scarface and Any Given Sunday at the same time without having to request the rights.
Turns out, the kid who caught Joe Greene’s jersey was the mastermind behind the NFL’s coke ring.
THANKS, MISTER!
Also, I can’t stop
beingsaying clever.William “Refrigerator” Perry will actually be played by a GE Profile refrigerator voiced by James Earl Jones.
Both Pat Summerall and John Madden will be played by Frank Caliendo. In the feel-good ending of the summer, Colombian druglords blow up the Madden Cruiser with a SAM.
FUCK DA BEARS!!
Excuse me, a little Vikings rage found it’s way to FilmDrunk.
A cocaine cowboy takes 10 paces then can’t feel his jaw.
In the feel-good ending of the summer, Colombian druglords blow up the Madden Cruiser with a SAM.
Not to get too pedantic on you, Peet, but that would mean that the Madden Cruiser was airborne at the time.
Ohhh… nevermind, it’s Bruckheimer/Bay. I see what you did there. Nice touch.
A cocaine cowboy does 10 lines then won’t stop drawing.
In the feel-good ending of the summer, Colombian druglords blow up the Madden Cruiser with a SAM KINISON.
FICKSED!
Actually, RDJ might make a better Michael Irvin
“YOU’RE FUCKING GOING DOWN, MADDEN!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”
A cocaine cowboy uses the term “4th and Down” to indicate the last 8-ball before lunch.
Home run!
Rexy, you be illin.
SWISH!!!
new up