If you caught The Ultimate Fighter finale on Saturday night like I did, you probably remember Joe Rogan interviewing Kevin James and his gay TapouT hat (way to go, fatass, you’re totally hardcore now) about his new movie, Paul Blart: Mall Cop. But unless you watched the Video Game Awards the other night, you were probably lucky enough to miss his turn as presenter. The ensuing skit isn’t so much a comedy bit as it is a mashup of everything wrong with society. Rampage Jackson comes out at the 3:10 mark and whiffs on the only chance to make this a success by not punching Kevin James really hard in the face. Things that would’ve been fresher and funnier than this:
Bears riding horses [Adds Ufford: I bet they finished in the honey]
Kevin James getting hit with a pie
Kevin James smashing watermelons with a sledgehammer
Kevin James in blackface
Kevin James balancing spinning plates on sticks
Kevin James juggling on a unicycle
Kevin James vs. a tiger
Puppies dying
A brilliant scientist slowly succumbing to Alzheimer’s disease
ANYTHING. ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
*brain aneurysm*
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Oh, so you think Kevin James isn’t funny?
Thanks a lot, now you made his mom cry.
Needs more Rob Schneider.
Add to the list of things funnier than Kevin James:
a crutch
You left off “…in a kennel fire” to that puppy one VaLince.
You know what’s funnier than Kevin James?
Kevin James with AIDS.
I hope Kevin strips down to his underwear and runs around screaming in this, because that shit is hiiiiiilaaaaaaarious!!! ROTFJO!!
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
I’ve got it! We’ll take Daniel Stern’s character from Home Alone and put him in Bruce Willis’ role in Die Hard. Can’t miss!
*drinks bleach*
How long has Triple H been off the ‘roids now?
I did catch The Ultimate Fighter Finale on Saturday, Vince. If you’d told me that Escudero would end up beating Nover, I’d have told you that you were retarded.
Browning actually looked pretty good against Kaplan though.
I was soooooo fucking happy Bader knocked out Maghales or whatever the fuck his name was.
/MMA hard on
A list of things less funny than Kevin James:
1. Kevin James
Kevin James was fired from the cast of “Delgo” as “not cartoony enough.”
More things funnier than Kevin: Sharting your pants in a parent teacher conference.
Carrot Top says “Kevin James makes me cry.”
I hear that if you uppercut Kevin James, a dude pops out and yells “Toasty!”.
I realize that this list thing was a blatant attempt on VaLince’s part to get a massive 200 comment funny fest going, and I sir, will bite;
More things funnier than Kevin: Your mom
Things funnier than Kevin James:
1) The youtube comments to that video
What? You mean those people are being serious?
*continues working tirelessly on a self-sufficient habitat disconnected from society*
More things funnier than Kevin: The commenters over there
BTK, I finish in the honey all the time. Nobody ever knows because I stir it in really well and it’s already really sticky.
More things funnier than Kevin: Hobos raping kittens to death
More things funnier than Kevin: Cancer in your piss hole
More things funnier than Kevin: Madonna
Funnier than Kevin James: Mark Wahlberg.
Funnier than Kevin James: self-imposed testicular torsion.
Scientology told Kevin James “We don’t want you to join, and keep your money.”
More things funnier than Kevin: Whicker Man. Seriously, I laughed myself into a pee leak watching that.
Funnier than Kevin James: Carlos Mencia
*three snaps and a head bob*
Funnier than Kevin James: My comments over the past two weeks.
I’m funnier than Kevin James.
More things funnier than Kevin: Swollen bellied Ethiopian fly-eyed kids
Funnier than Kevin James: Reading Schindler’s list out loud.
More things funnier than Kevin: Getting thrown into the drunk tank on 6 hits of acid
Shit. Stop it Burnsy, you’ll queer the deal. I mean, he’s the king of queers. I’m going with the first one.
Funnier than Kevin James: Tom Cruise’s knock-knock jokes.
Funnier than Kevin James: Everybody Loves Raymond.
Funnier than Kevin James: Imless’ posts in the nom thread.
More things funnier than Kevin: Housing tentment xmas tree fires.
Funnier than Kevin James: Vince’s list of things funnier than Kevin James.
Funnier than Kevin James: Chris Farley.
RIGHT NOW.
Funnier than Kevin James: Scott Kalitta’s death video.
Another thing funnier than Kevin James: Coffee Crisps . . . but they taste really fucking great!
More things funnier than Kevin: My typos
Funnier than Kevin James: Estelle Getty’s nipples.
Funnier than Kevin James:
Dare I say it?
Pepper.
More things funnier than Kevin: Running out of toilet paper in a public bathroom with a serious case of the burning turkey squirts.
Funnier than Kevin James:
Hydraulic tables : the elements of gagings and the friction of water flowing in pipes, aqueducts, sewers, etc., as determined by the Hazen and Williams formula and the flow of water over sharp-edged and irregular weirs, and the quantity discharged as determined by Bazin’s formula and experimental investigations upon large models / by Gardner S. Williams and Allen Hazen.
{Reads Juan’s post}
HAHAHA!!
{slaps knee}
I know, that shit right there…GOLD!
Funnier than Kevin James:
Funnier than Kevin James: Misssoultaker
Jack!, I was gonna go with that shitfuck, but decided to throw the whole lot of ‘em into the hopper.
More things funnier than Kevin: When you are pounding away with a cheese-pole-spoo-catcher on and right when you blow your wad you bottom out and pull the jimmy hat tight and your wad backfires up your dick and makes your balls sore for three day and makes it burn when you pee.
Funnier than Kevin James: An audio Bible
*stepping in for Fek*
Funnier than Kevin James: Romulans and fundies!
Or so I’ve {finger quotes} heard.
Funnier than Kevin James: Coming to a 4-way stop at the same time as someone else, and you’re gonna let them go, but they just sit there, so you start to go, then they do, then you both stop, then go. Eventually you go, and yell about that fucking idiot to the kid in the back seat.
More things funnier than Kevin: Summer gas prices
More things funnier than Kevin: Home invasion robberies
Funnier than Kevin James: “FIST!”
More things funnier than Kevin: Getting little pieces of soap when you thought you were buying crack. But smoking them anyways… just in case.
More things funnier than Kevin: The Detroit Lions
Funnier than Kevin James: Playing “got your nose” with Michael Jackson.
More things funnier than Kevin: Toaster Strudel
Funnier than Kevin James: Taking a shit when your asshair is sticking together. I guess you just had to be there.
More things funnier than Kevin: Tater Mitt happy endings
More things funnier than Kevin: Partial birff abortions
Funnier than Kevin James: TWO Kevin James.
No, wait, that’s LESS funny than Kevin James.
More things funnier than Kevin: Dropping your cell phone into the toilet with a big fucking floater and vitamin pee in it.
Funnier than Kevin James: Blood in your stool
Funnier than Kevin James:
the bloody flux
More things funnier than Kevin: B==Q~~;( {dick with a Prince Albert nutting in your eye}
More things funnier than Kevin: Tony Kornholer
More things funnier than Kevin: Paris Hilton fuck videos
Funnier than Kevin James: Frank Caliendo doing a Kevin James impression
More things funnier than Kevin: Deadwood getting cancelled {shakes fist menacingly at HBO/David Milch}
More things funnier than Kevin: Flesh eating bacteria on your nuts
More things funnier than Kevin: Saying “New UP!” when there is no New Up!
More things funnier than Kevin: Perez Hilton
Funnier than Kevin James:The ending to Old Yeller
More things funnier than Kevin: A bad sunburn on the back of your knees
Funnier than Kevin James: Keenan Thompson
*Shows up late to the party in a “Used Tampon” costume*
Any lesbian vampires feel like fighting over Him?
Funnier than Kevin James:Getting your sack caught in the scissors when you’re trimming your pubes
Funnier than Kevin James: Thinking you’ve wiped your ass clean only to have your wife chew your ass while she’s doing the laundry.
More things funnier than Kevin: When Mustafa dies in Lion King
{high fives madman}
Funnier than Kevin James: Romulans and fundies!
Dor sho gha!
Funnier than Kevin James: Mad TV
Funnier than Kevin James:A day in the life of William Balfour
Funnier than Kevin James: a holiday movie about a mall security guard when the mall security guard is played by Jay Mohr.
More things funnier than Kevin: Closing the deal with some hottie at a bar, getting down at her place only to have the “finger smell test” come back negative then having to go home and jerk it to soft core porn on Skinemax
More merrily than Kevin James? The powerful Feklahr’ s did not confuse above universal onversion program anybody, which was liked sad approximately it and was formed!
Funnier than Kevin James: omission of the courtesy tap.
Time to play “Out-Durst Feklahr”!
Who is NOT funnier than Kevin James?
-Brendan Fraser
Funnier than Kevin James: The opening scene to this movie in which an adolescent version of Kevin James’ character is shown being called “Blart the Fart” while acting as hall monitor.
I’ll gargle Chyna’s click if that isn’t the case)
Funnier than Kevin James: Piss in your blood
Fek, Brendan Fraser is WAAAAAAAYYYY funnier than Kevin James. Oh wait – this isn’t about looks? Oops!
^the open parenthesis is covered by Chyna’s click.
More things funnier than Kevin: Uproxx(xxxxx!) making me log in three times a day and crashing my browser with the opening-of-a-thousand-tabs bug.
More things funnier than Kevin: The Crying Game
More merrily than Kevin James? The powerful Feklahr’ s did not confuse above universal onversion program anybody, which was liked sad approximately it and was formed!
So was my “messed up universal translator” gag just unfunny, too obscure, or both?
More things funnier than Kevin: Dropping your bowl of Sketty-O’s on the floor and thinking about eating it anyway because it was your last can.
You too, Crappy? Clear your cookies and dump your cache, that will help. At least his Thumbs got rid of the surprise porn I kept getting thrown into.
Things funnier than Kevin James: trying to close your browser when the boss is coming and “Flirting Students” suddenly filling your screen.
I enjoy them, Fek. Sometimes. It’s all in the cadence.
Funnier than Kevin James: MIKE
More things funnier than Kevin: Indiana Jones 4
FUCK MIKE!!
Funnier than Kevin James: Gandhi
More things funnier than Kevin: Sam Kinison/George Carlin/Bill Hicks/Mitch Hedburg dying, and LCG/Dane Cook/Carlos Mencia still kickin rocks.
Funnier than Kevin James: Being named Paul
More things funnier than Kevin: A baby throwing up all over you at 3am on a Tuesday night.
Funnier than Kevin James: Jonestown grape drank.
More things funnier than Kevin: Grabbing that beer you thought was yours and getting a mouthfull of cigarette butts.
More things funnier than Kevin: Worse, grabbing that cup that you thought was your coffee, and getting a mouthful of chew-spit
Funnier than Kevin James: Farting in front of a hot stranger.
More things funnier than Kevin: Grandma’s breath
More things funnier than Kevin: Japanese geriatric porno
More things funnier than Kevin: Mommy and Daddy’s divorce
More things funnier than Kevin: Somebody saying, “Hey, what about this heat? Haha” and you not getting to taint stab them.
Rewritten New Up. The Second.
More things funnier than Kevin: Turd splashes making a bulls eye on the brown hole.
More things funnier than Kevin: I gotta pee.
Funnier than Kevin James: a boy named Ashley.
Hi there, I’m new around here so please have mercy. Or not.
Things funnier than Kevin James:
- Squeezing the polyps on a dog’s anus
- The Love Guru
- Martin Lawrence
- Tom Arnold
- Roseanne Arnold