Happy new year indeed. Crank 2 has finally showed the world how you make a red band trailer (video slightly NSFW for language and brief nudity). Keep an eye out for the Jenna Haze cameo. Statham commentary to follow.

Oi, cunts, da Staf ‘ere. Oy donno if you cunts rememba, but a whoile back, dis French cunt wiz troyin ta say dat da Staf’s characta in da Transpor’a pahts one an two wiz gaiy.  Now, whoilst da Staf ain’ got nuffin against da gaiys, if a cunt calls da Staf gaiy, Oy’s ain’ got no choice but ta do everyfing in moy powa ta prove da cunt wrong, now doesn’ dey?  So dat’s whin Oy stah’ed callin’ cunts on da fone an sayin’, “Oi.  Moy naime ees Chev Chelios, an’ todaiy’s da day Oy doy.”  Oi, you cunts rememba dat movie, donnit?  Roighto, so long story fock’n short, Oy’s doin’ anuvva Chev Chelios movie, an’ dis toime, oy’s shaggin da birds roight on da camera.  So if some cunt comes along an troys ta say dat da Staf is a gay, you kin just point to da fock’n screen an say, “Oi, cunt, if da Staf is gay, den whoy ‘as ‘e got ‘is dong stuck in dat bird?” An’ da cunt’ll probly feel well stupid, cuz what koinda gay ‘as got ‘is knob inna bird?

The Middle Eastern press reports that Nicolas Cage will lose 13 pounds and gain $40 million to play assassinated Egyptian president Anwar Sadat in a miniseries for Egyptian TV (oh God please let him be in blackface…).

Egyptian writer Anis al-Degheidy, who wrote the series, recently announced that shooting was to start mid-2009. Al-Degheidy, who has written some controversial books including Saddam Was Not Executed, said the TV series would be in English and also dubbed in Arabic. [via Earthtimes - thanks to handsome Mossad agent Ohad for the tip]

Nicolas Cage, such a tragic hero.  His career soared to amazing heights on the wings of his tremendous acting talent, with movies like Adaptation and Leaving Las Vegas, but then he flew just a little too close to the sun and melted his forehead, whereupon he fell back to Earth in a bear suit and punched a girl.  Icarus Cage, I like to call him.

Reached for comment, Mickey Rooney said, “’Anwar Sadat’ – Hey! That sounds like someone trying to choose pictures for a Chinese food menu.  ‘Anwar sadat?’  ‘Dat? Dassa broccori beef.’  ‘…Anwar Sadat?’ ‘Dat? Dassa egg foo young.’  ‘…Anwar sadat?’ ‘Dat? Wha, you stupid? Dassa szechuan pork, dum-dum.’”   …Oh Mickey, what an insensitive cornball you are.

In Two Lovers, Joaquin Phoenix is caught in a love triangle between Gwyneth Paltrow and Vinessa Shaw.  Must be an Isosceles triangle, youknowwhatahmsayin?  *holds up fist, looks around for math pound*

As you can see, Vinessa Shaw is pretty hot in spite of her annoying misspelled name.  Alternate title for this movie?  It’s So Hard to Say Bye Good.

Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) supposedly doesn’t think too highly of his best actor competition Sean Penn (Milk).  Oh yeah, dawg,  it’s time for a highly-specious sounding thirdhand rumor about some actors trashing each other via text.  Y’all ready for this?   Investigative reporter Gerald Posner (who looks like he smells really bad) writes:

On December 28, a Los Angeles entertainment honcho shared a text message with me that Rourke had sent him: “Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno” [sic]

Oh snap!  Clearly the next step is for Posner to get his honcho to call Rourke with Penn silently listening in on the threeway at their next slumber party.  Man, they’re gonna have so much to talk about between tickle fights.  On a sidenote, Mickey Rourke has never lost a ticklefight.  Don’t believe me?  Just try him, man, seriously, I dare you.

Crappy movie actor Cam Gigandet (you may remember him as the bad guy in Never Back Down and Twilight) was spotted in L.A. recently wearing this felching, er, fetching kilt/argyle socks/man purse combo.  You may call him douchey, but I’ll have you know that his great great great grandfather was Irish or Scottish or English or something so it’s totally cool.

How is this movie related, you ask?  Well, Gigandet will be co-starring in The Unborn which opens January 9th and will suck because Cam Gigandet is in it.  (Awesome poster, though)

[via JustJared]