11.20.08 TOWN IN WA FLEECING ‘TWILIGHT’ RETARDS
A guy who wishes he’d had sons
Look, if you’re feeling at all homicidal this morning, just stop reading now because this isn’t going to help any. The gist of the story is that when Stephenie Meyer was writing Dawson’s Crypt, she chose Forks, Washington as the setting, even though she’d never been there, because it happened to be the rainiest city in the lower 48. The town of 3,000 has since become the epicenter of the new Idiot Tourism industry.
Sydney Conway and two of her teenage friends, on a school holiday, got into a minivan and drove four hours — to stare at the nondescript brick building that is Forks High School. There’s a weathered wooden sign announcing it as “the home of the Spartans,” but otherwise it looks like most other high schools in the country.
Sydney, Alexis Miller and Rebekah Hamilton got out of their van, stood in front of the school — oblivious to the cool mist that was frizzing their hair and chilling their pedicured, flip-flopped feet — and screamed, “Twilight!”
Ugh, I’m nauseous. And I’m getting that yearning feeling in my fists. But wait! It gets worse!
Forks High School is often besieged with Twilighters, who pose for pictures in front of the Spartans sign or scan the parking lot for Edward’s car, a silver Volvo sedan. Some have even wandered inside to seek out the fictional characters. Still others have requested to be transferred to the school.
Yeah, I went to LA to see the people from Crash, but no one shot me, I didn’t see cops doing anything racist, and there wasn’t a single preposterous coincidence. All in all, pretty gay.
A few blocks over, Anna Vandenhole, 46, was traipsing down the sidewalk of Forks Avenue, on the hunt for an official Bella bracelet — a piece of costume jewelry festooned with charms and Swarovski crystals that Meyer herself helped design.
Bitch, you’re 46. Your life is more than half over and you’re spending the remainder of it looking for a plastic bracelet from a book aimed at 13-year-olds. Take a second to reflect. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
“We’re just looking for trinkets and the photo ops. They’ve already got their T-shirts,” Vandenhole said, glancing at her 17-year-old son, Sonny, and his girlfriend, Ashley Parker, 16, who were wearing matching black Twilight T-shirts.
“How often have you ever taken a vacation to see a grocery store, a high school and a hospital?” asked Janet Hughes, owner of JT’s Sweet Stuffs, a brightly lit candy shop that sells Twilight delights: Edward Bites (chocolate-covered peppermint bark) and Bella Creams (mint butter creams). “We’ve had people from all over the world.” [Says commenter So I: "Edward bites, Bella Creams?" Yeah, that about sums it up.]
Have I pointed out that the main character’s name is “Bella Swan” yet? That’s like the 13-year-old girl equivalent of “Hercules J. Billionaire”.
Many locals have played along with the themes in the Twilight books — and business has boomed.
“It’s not that hard to put [Twilighters] over the edge,” said Julie Hjelmeset, the inn’s manager stater of the obvious. She transformed the double-queen bedroom in the otherwise run-of-the-mill hotel by swapping the white linens and towels for racier black-and-red versions and resting imitation long-stemmed roses on the beds. Bella’s Suite fetches double the rate of a regular room — $149 a night versus $74.
When fans sought authentic Twilight food, Sully’s Burgers obliged. The Bellaburger — a hamburger topped with a ring of pineapple and a slice of Swiss cheese and served with a pair of plastic vampire teeth — is the bestselling item at the mom-and-pop restaurant. Never mind that this burger does not exist in the books. Nor do the Bellasagna, Bellaberry (raspberry/blueberry) pie and other Twilight foods offered at area restaurants.
How about BellaGlocks? I need something to Bella-ow my brains out with.
Sully’s manager, Bruce Guckenberg, has four daughters, all of whom have read the books and three of whom work at the restaurant. What’s been most surprising to Christina Guckenberg, 30, is how seriously some fans take the books. She was especially surprised by a customer who hoped to meet Chief Charlie Swan, the fictional Forks police officer who is Bella’s dad.
“You mean Chief Powell?” Christina countered, offering her customer the name of the real Forks head of police.
Having strangers call him Charlie is “kind of flattering, but it’s weird because it’s from a book,” said Mike Powell, who has good-naturedly started answering to the fictitious name. Powell also signs autographs as Chief Swan and poses for pictures with his squad car. He plays along, he said, because “it’s good for the town.”
That’s nice of him to humor them. It’s kinda like when I visit my grandma with Alzheimer’s at the nursing home. “I know, grandma, I can’t wait to go home too!”
But not everyone in town understands the books’ appeal, or why their fans are descending upon Forks.
“Our kids don’t see the novelty,” said Mark Brandmire, assistant principal of Forks High School. “What part of ‘fiction’ don’t you get?” [LA Times - thanks to RoboPanda for the tip]
It’s sad that the town has to stoop to this just to make a cheap buck. I mean, whatever happened to boosting tourism the old fashioned way, by putting a hat on a cat and naming it the train conductor?
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There are 55 comments about:
TOWN IN WA FLEECING ‘TWILIGHT’ RETARDS
“How often have you ever taken a vacation to see a grocery store, a high school and a hospital?”
NEVER, YOU DUMB CUNT!!!1!!1!
Never have so many traveled so far to celebrate not having sex
Oddly enough, he does feel slightly more homicidal that usual, Lince.
…
DOR SHO GHA! You have helped Him achieve 101% Homicidal Rating!!! (AKA: Ludicrous Need to Kill) Well, guess it’s time to sharpen up the old hammer and have that meeting with Marlene!
At least this story just made last night’s South Park much funnier, because up until now I was really disappointed.
Well, except Priests to the Vatican and Fanboys to the Skywalker Ranch
That’s nice of him to humor them. It’s kinda like when I visit my grandma with Alzheimer’s at the nursing home. “I know, grandma, I can’t wait to go home too!”
Lince, you realize if you get Him Hustla’d, that will just give Him more time to
play LOTROemail you.This is like the exact opposite of the time I lived in Columbine and ran Eric & Dylan’s House O’ Guns.
Here in the K.S., we try and boost tourism by adding “Historic” to every town or store in the state. Still, no one comes.
Fuck it, nommy, in Iowa we just offer corn and racism.
At least this story just made last night’s South Park much funnier, because up until now I was really disappointed.
It was a good premise, but not their best work. Per se.
In Nebraska, we just let you fuck our sisters.
After us of course.
I look at stories like this one, and then I sit back and wonder why terrorists want to steal our cars and murder our unborn babies. I just can’t figure it out.
Historic Corn Sister Fucking.
Welcome to the Fucking Midwest, You Big City Nancy Boy.
Oh, so Kahlessistic Theists are “terrorists” now, nom?
We’ll see what the good folks of Forks, Washington have to say after the “tourists” stop coming to town to spend money on retarded things and they have to put up with brooding, lazy, emo fuckwads that want to just hang out and smell up the joint.
Listen, I can’t really knock on these townfolk. One summer I took visitors on the T.I. tour around Atlanta when he started getting popular. Alright, not really Atlanta, more like Cascade Road. We got shot at a few times, bought some gold jewelery from a gas station, and ended with a few laughs at Popeye’s. I thought it was a great business plan until I realized my customers were black and couldn’t pay me.
Sorry I’m new, but I had to post this…
Edward Bites, Bella Creams?
So J, you’re saying they’ll turn into Portland.
I think the Inn keeper is selling herself short. In any civilized portion of the country, the room that costs double might ensure they sprayed some Febreeze on the cum stained sheets they haven’t washed in three weeks.
What really makes me sad is that I’m not the one capitalizing on these idiot’s fanaticism. So what’s that make me?
Stoney, the real profit is that these twilighters don’t fuck, so she can go eight times as long before having to do the laundry.
Sorry I’m new, but I had to post this…
Edward Bites, Bella Creams?
It should be the rest of us apologizing for not noticing that.
Who the fuck eats pineapple on a burger?
I think I’ll just re-watch that X-Files with Luke Wilson spank you very much.
I think the actor that plays this Edward guy should move to Forks and charge $20 for ladies to have the privilege to give him a handjob.
Welcome, so I. Nice catch. *slides newborn sized piss boot to so I* I have to see how well you hold your liquor before I start throwing around the Tony Llama Lemur skinned boots.
Burnsy, Samoans?
Thank ya very much! I’ll be here all night…
@Michelle- That episode also has the fat kid from the sandlot. All-Star cast anyway you cut it.
Oooh, oooh! Vince! Look!
http://msn.foxsports.com/boxing/story/8819222/White-could-bring-Carano-into-WEC
Please oh please let this happen. If I have to suffer through American Gladiators to get my Carano fix, I’ll put my foot through my television.
Because I’m an idiot I”m going to the midnight show tonight. Partly because I like the books (LIKE THEM DON’T LIVE, EAT, SLEEP AND SHIT FOR THEM) and partly because they’ve sold out 6 midnight showings and I want to see the massive bloodbath that ensues when these nutjobs realize they’ve oversold seats and they can’t get in.
Yes you read that right…6 sold out midnight showings.
You know how they tried to blow up that whole town in the movie Outbreak? Just sayin’.
This town needs to step up their pricing. They’ve hit the trifecta of capitalism here:
1. A captive, stupid audience
2. An intangible product that requires no innovation, effort, or warranty
3. Free advertising
If the Twilight books aren’t as good as
Harry PotterPenthouse, I’m not interested in them.*whispers to JD* are they really that good?
So the fuck what.
I fucked a goat on the set of “Hey Dude” and Ted (David Lascher) walked in on me.
I have been* to Tucson High where “Can’t Buy Me Love” was filmed.
*sold weed
I enjoyed them Jesus. They are pure fantasy vampire schmleck and you know that going in. At least most people do.
And the fact the last one has a scene that was straight out of a Cronenberg flick in the amount of pure wrong and fucked upness…well..I was amazed and amused that these teeny boppers would be subjected to it.
If they make Breaking Dawn into a film they’ll have to keep that scene or it just won’t work.
And yes, Edward does bite through her uterus. Wait…did I just spoil something?
That is His all time fave episode of XFiles. COUNT THE FUCKING SUNFLOWER SEEDS!
BTK, nice catch, newbie! Now, will you just grab the fucking steering wheel of the ice cream truck so I can strangle this cheerleader?!?!?!
Pretty pathetic that the town has stooped to this just to make a cheap buck.
100% disagree with you here, Lince, I think it’s awesome that these folks, who did not ask for any of the attention, have found a few clever ways to soak the parade of imbeciles who caravan through their town.
The only thing better would be if they could somehow slip a chemical sterilization cocktail into their complimentary morning Virgin Bloody Bellas (that’s tomato juice, lemon juice, Tobasco, celery salt, and plastic white fangs).
*reminds himself to watch that episode on his COTW prize from way back, silently ponders if Vince is ever going to send him Hellride*
I have been to the University of Arizona where “Revenge of the Nerds” was filmed. Not to attend classes, dumbass.
SCHOOLS FOR FOOLS!
Pauly-Him, too! He ate at the Fiddly Fig. :(
*reminds himself to watch that episode on his COTW prize from way back, silently ponders if Vince is ever going to send him Hellride*
Sorry man, it’s coming. That was before I figured out I could just have the DVD people send them directly to you guys. Keep in mind I have to go to the goddamned post office to send those, and the Harlem post office is the 9th circle of hell.
That’s okay. The last thing I need on my conscience is knowing that you were mugged trying to send a movie to some dipshit you’ve never met. I don’t have a problem with waiting for free stuff. Matter of fact, I’m still waiting for the Rapture. Do you know how many cars are going to be unmanned when that fucker drops?
But seriously, this is the biddest thing to happen in Forks, Washington since the invention of the spork.
This is the biggest thing to happen in Forks, Washington since they got a mailman.
This is the biggest thing to happen in Forks, Washington since Jed came in to town with his fancy AM/FM radio.
This is the biggest thing to happen in Forks, Washington since Lewis and Clark stopped by to shit.
This is the biggest thing to happen in Forks, Washington since they got an Arby’s 20 miles outside of town.
The Mighty Feklahr says:
Historic Corn Sister Fucking.
Welcome to the Fucking Midwest, You Big City Nancy Boy.
Dude, I’m going to write that on the back of my stonewashed denim jacket. With an ink pen.
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