I’ve bagged on the mainstream media a lot today, but credit where credit’s due, “ACTOR WAS JOAQUIN UNSTEADILY” is a solid headline. Kudos, NY Post. You truly are the juvenile blog of major newspapers.
Oh, and the accompanying story was basically that people said he’s been drinking a lot lately and was wasted the night he announced his retirement from acting. Gosh, I never would’ve guessed that from the video. He seemed so lucid, so chipper, so… undisheveled.
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His mustache is like a harelip toupée.
undischeveled?
*slow clap*
PD-More like a harelip combover.
“Joaqa Joaqa Joaqa” – Fozzy Bear, NY Post
He isn’t a drug addict, he’s still method acting for his performance in Joaq the Line.
Richard Johnson is a dick times two.
Phoenix’s brain has been stirred fried in a Joaq.
Timing issues?
Phoenix’s brain has been stir fried in a Joaq.
Don’t feel bad Joaquin, some of the most important announcements of my life have been made while I was hammered. The authenticity of those announcements are still in question.
“Momnehdad…I’mma…I’mma gay President and I love herrr, okay!?”
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
What’s happening? I’m scared
I have a feeling that in less than an hour Pauly will say “His mustache is like a harelip toupée.”
When asked who his favourite singer is, JoPho answered, “Ebbie Bebber of Fearl Jan”.
What the Joaq is going on in here???
Never forget, Joaquin: your brother sucked hard before he died, too. Of course, with him it was the pavement and with you it’s everything else…
We have angered the computer gods. UPROXXX!!!
Will he open for 30 foot grunts and stab them backstage right before they go on? God he’s such a pussy.
Phoenix’s brain has been stir fried in a Joaq.
His mustache is like a harelip toupée.
His mustache is like a harelip toupée.
Somewhere out there, there’s a huge “Katrina & The Waves” fan who just hung themselves.
He isn’t a drug addict, he’s still method acting for his performance in Joaq the Line.
Can I get a side of Joaq?
His mustache is like a harelip toupée.
undischeveled?
*slow clap*
Is that the guy from Double Dragon with a harelip toupee?
This is just like that episode of Dr. Who that I never saw where all the comments were out of order. Whoooaaaa.
“Joaqa Joaqa Joaqa” – Fozzy Bear, NY Post
It worked!
Hold on, I’m going to try going back in time real quick…
Joaquin Phoenix is handsome in that “face got clipped by the sliding glass door” kind of way.
If he’s not careful, he could do some serious damage to his river.
Vince, whatever you do, don’t fix this thread’s comments. It’s much better with time travel.
Uproxx would have failed the shit out of the Y2K test.
His hairlip toupee is like a mustache!
His toupée-like mustache is a harelip.
“PHOENIX CAUSES SMALL WORMHOLE IN MOVIE BLOG — SCIENTISTS BAFFLED; NO ONE ELSE CARES”
I’ve had enough of Joaquin’s lip!
This is fucking great.
I predict that, at 4:48 PM, Pauly Dangerously will say “His mustache is like a harelip toupée.”
Great, this fucking is.
When he went home that night, Phoenix tried to vomit. But it was a dry heave.
Pauly Dangerously said “His mustache is like a harelip toupée.”
I predict that, at 3:57 Maxwelldemon will make the same joke I just did.
Do you think he dressed up as the Black Panther for Halloween so he could be the king of Joaqanda?
I’m going to try to go back in time I made it safely! to the middle of this sentence.
Well this is all very confusing. Whose moustache and what episode of Dr. Who?
He wasn’t unsteady, he was just practicing his C-Joaquin.
Joaqanda?
zayLo, will you marry me?
Hell, I’m not wasting this opportunity. I’m going to go see if I can keep myself from farting in that meeting…
Joaqity shmackety doooo
PD-More like a harelip combover.
Phoenix has been growing his facial hair out so he can star in the remake Joaq Like a Man.
I thought Roy Orbison died?
This is more like that episode of Star Trek NG, y’know, the one that didn’t suck. where they’re caught in a timeloop and Frasier’s commanding the other ship.
Suddenly I feel like the smartest woman to have ever lived. Fetch me Misssoultaker, and we shall see if it worked on her, as well.
UPJOAQXXX!!!
Once more with feeling.
There was a Star Trek that didn’t suck?
Pauly, Fek and Robo can only comment on this thread for another 20 minutes. If you meet your other selves from the past, you could cause a chain reaction that would destroy the universe!
There was a Star Trek that didn’t suck?
It was the one where they discovered a planet full of people and learned something about other cultures. Remember that one?
Joaqanda?
zayLo, will you marry me?
Only if you go back in time and ask again.
Joaquin’s Dad must have been drug dealing fisherman for his kids to turn out the way they did.
Chain Reaction? I’ve seen that movie. In the end Morgan Freeman kills Brian Cox. Spoiler!
I can fix the disruption in the time-space continuum, but only if you elect me tomorrow.
Learned something about other cultures? Did Obama already fucking win?
zayLo, will you marry me?
Maverick, we already elected you, before we went back in time.
zayLo, I can’t promise it’ll work, but I’ll try to back in time to the beginning of this comment and ask.
I feel like his mustache is something else, but I don’t know what.
Star Trek that sucks? Can you say, “Way to Eden”?
Star Trek that sucks? Can you say,
“Way to Eden”‘Enterprise’,'Voyager’ and ‘Deep Space Nine’?Fixed!
PD-More like a harelip combover.
I’d rather watch the Aries Spears’ biopic.
Donk-DS9? He muthafucking did NOT hear that!
I can’t believe no one has commented about that mustache yet. It’s like some sort of harelip toupée.
Nervously awaiting 4:48…
**Puts on Dire Straits CD**
And they do the Juaq, they do the Juaq of life.
It’s a sad day when
one of the greatest actors of our generationthe brother of one of the greatest actors of our generation retires.Fek, all I’m saying is that ‘Casablanca’ was a lot more entertaining without the Ferengis.
How can a ankle bracelet tell if she is sniffing coke……which is her drug of choice.
Donk-He is not listening!
Joaquin is impervious to the “It must be your upper-lip” joke.
I heard he’s leaving L.A. and moving to MilJoaqee.
New up, time travelers!
Pauly, what the fuck does his mustache look like?
His mustache is like a harelip toupée.
Uh oh…here it comes…
everybody…shhh…shhh…Pauly has something to say.
Pauly?
George Lucas really wanted him to play Luke SkyJoaqer in Episode VII.
Dor sho gha! Just like it was written in the scrolls of Skellos!!!
THAT’S it!
Thank you, Pauly!
Goddamn it!
EPIC FAIL. :(
Joaquin Unsteadily is Pauly Dangerously’s cousin.
Won’t somebody please think of the coke dealers?
I was napping. So confused.
Boy, it would have been great if it sent us back up to the top of the thread.
There’s an actual new up now.
Sorry for trying to distract you earlier.
Dooter sounds like an incontinence problem.
Joaquin sounds like an incontinence problem.
Best thread ever. I laughed until my lip cleft.