11.12.08 ‘SHARKS IN VENICE’ AS AWESOME AS IT SOUNDS

Deep Blue Sea was a scene for scene remake of Jurassic Park. Except that Sam Jackson wasn’t the first to die.

The sad thing is, I will see this. Just because it has sharks in it. It’s a shark thing. Also, someone gets impaled and someone else looks like they get sawed in half, so there’s bang for my buck right there.

Shark: That’s a spicy meat-a-ball-a

We’re-a gonna need-a a bigger a-gondola!

Candygram Mr. Baldwin

I was hoping for a singing Puerto Rican gang :(

Spoiler Alert: At the end, they kill the shark by shooting a sealed jar of hot marinara in it’s mouth.

I can haz Guido?

This is not-a the time-a or the place-a to perform-a some kind of a half-a-assed-a autopsy on a fish-a… And I’m-a not going to stand-a here and see that thing-a cut-a open and watch-a that little-a Esposito a-boy spill-a all over-a the side-a-walk-a.

Isn’t it against Stephen Baldwin’s religion to let someone get impaled by a spiked fence? Oh wait, I guess its fine as long as the fence is straight.

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Let a shark eat his eyes!

Alec Baldwin was asked to star in this movie but he declined stating that he felt the shark was a thoughtless little pig.

Fun fact: There are no sharks in Venice Beach, because they’re afraid that Hulkamania will run wild on them.

He looks like he has a shark in his anal canal.

We’re-a gonna need-a a bigger a-gondola!

When reached for comment, Mario said “Hey, datsa hurtful stereotype-a!”

Sharks in Venice? Better than “Crabs on Penis”, huh guys? Wokka wokka wokka!

My fedora’s like a shark fin.

Sharks are the number two cause of death in Venice. The number one cause of death?

Being torn apart by an angry mob after failing to refer to spaghetti sauce as “gravy”.

How about Venus (Williams) in Sharks?

Michael Bay spent weeks trying to figure how to smuggle this DVD out of blockbuster only to realize it wasn’t called “Sparks in Anus”.

Not one of those sharks had big gold chains or a Tesla tanktop.

Get this motherfucking Baldwin out of my motherfucking shark movie.

They must not have filmed in Italy, because I didn’t see one pushcart in that clip.

Sharks got lifeless eyes, like a porcelain mask’s eyes.

I didn’t watch the entire clip. Did I miss anything in the second half that wasn’t done in the first half, twice?

Opening scene shows the shark in a Venice phone booth, tearing out the page in the phone book with all the address listings for Dente, Al.

Did you know that the Chinese invented spaghetti? Hey what’s gasadiujpaakjoasjocojvev
bnbbff
dshhvdfyfhbfyj
bfubfubfu
Hey, I was-a kidding! Ima not gonna make-a anymore Italiano jokes!

This is the only shark in the world that tests its prey by first throwing it against a wall to see if it sticks.

I wouldn’t watch this if the shark was played by Jabberjaws.

This sharks fins get all flippy when he talks.

Stephen: Sharks in Venice, a shark ate me! A goshdarn shark ate me! Drink, buddy!

I have no hatred for any ethnic group, but I think being Irish, I’m genetically programmed to make Italian jokes.

Wait, did that shark have a crank organ and a monkey?

Does the shark drive an IROC and call black people “Moolys”?

This shark only listens to Doo Wop.

This may be a career low for a guy who starred in BioDome.

This shark cruises the canals on a moped doing the double finger-gun wink and saying “Ciao”.

A better movie would be Showers in Venice. Just saying they’re all greasy.

That shark’s only good at two things: dancing and his hair.

Gabbagool.

That’s all I’ve got.

This shark is offended by Pepe Le Pew.

A bad meatball gave me the sharts in Venice.

This sharks felates a baguette

The shark’s name is James Gandolfini.

This sharke is up to his gills in spaghetti

That’s the only shark I’ve ever seen that had chest hair.

This shark will make you an offer you can’t swim away from.

I hear that Venetians are always bothering the people in the neighboring town of Wilson.
Wilson refers to the city as Venice the Menace”

The end of this movie will be signaled by one word: Fin.

New up, Goombahs.