“This next song is dedicated to the panties I found stuck under my left manboob last Thursday.”
Mere weeks after I publicly demanded a Steven Seagal reality show, A&E has risen to the challenge. From the press release:
Hollywood action man Steven Seagal is to take part in a new reality series which will chronicle his little-known role as a police officer in Louisiana.
The Under Siege star has been a fully commissioned deputy at the state’s Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office for the last 20 years.
As well as going out on patrol, Seagal is said to be an expert marksman, working with the force’s Swat team, and has instructed officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat.
The new show, which has been commissioned by America’s A+E network, will be titled Steven Seagal: Lawman and will follow the actor as he fights crime in Louisiana.
That’s right, the Louisiana SWAT team is taking advice from a guy who nearly walked out of an appearance at Best Buy because the lights were too bright. I can’t wait for his first lecture, Chasing After People: How Far is Too Far? Subtopics will include: Catching Your Breath, Dealing With a Hangover, Adding Holes to Your Gun Belt, and How a Grimace Can be Your Best Weapon.
Also: I hope one of the episodes involves catching this lovable scamp.
[Thanks to Jessica for the tip - Photo Source]
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I would say ‘Praise Buddha’ but judging from the second pic Seagal may in fact be Buddha.
I’m personally looking forward to the skit where he shows everyone how to make the stunt double do flips just by twisting their pinky.
Oh for the love of Vishnu . . . I just read the fucking post. For Allah’s sake, I LIVE in Jefferson Parish.
Laugh all you guys want, but I’ve never seen anything in the news about Jefferson Parish ever successfully being taken over by terrorists.
Is ignoring aspect ratios the latest craze? First squashed Bourne, now flat Seagal?
Doood, Erswi, you live in them parts, you had to know about this, but chose to keep it secret…?
{Jumps to feet, points, emits Body Snatchers shriek}
Segal sympathizer!
Chuck Norris is liable to sue for the copyright infringement of Walker: Texas Ranger
Squashed Bourne, Flat Segal will be the Chinese title for the new Bourne movie….
On the other hand, they could just have a white-ninja fight to the death…
Is ignoring aspect ratios the latest craze? First squashed Bourne, now flat Seagal?
I usually try to avoid it, but I also don’t want a giant picture of fat Seagal covering the entire page.
I got it! We must’ve put in a requisition form for a new fat Chinaman to replace our recently deceased Sherriff Harry Lee.
[www.mardipaws.com]
Unfortunately, Seagal was as close as we could find.
I think we all appreciate that…
*hurries and deletes fat Seagal wallpaper*
Is ignoring aspect ratios the latest craze? First squashed Bourne, now flat Seagal?
If you want to see non-flat Seagal, I suggest you change your monitor settings to ’1996′.
Steven Seagal: Lawman will be followed by Michael Dudikoff: Hungry.
Banner pic cap: I’d like to thank a fan for my lunch
Michael Dudikoff? Really? Tell me you at least had to IMDB to remember his name.
Cuz I didn’t.
Seriously, nobody else seeing the Walker connection?
Fuck you guys, I’m going to Durden
I’ve already got the DVR set.
Is it me, or is Segal turning into Pat Buchanan?
Jeff Speakman: From Perfect Weapon to Perfect Deliveryman
Sadly I walked into my moms boyfriends house a few weeks ago and he had a Steven Seagal cd on his coffee table . Steven Seagal released a blues cd I shit u not , he has a a song called Talk to my ass. I was disturned my moms boyfriend would stoop to something so low as listening to this asswipe but he also had a ounce of some really good weed so i forgave him for it.
Banner pic cap: There is no vagina in these! What, are you people sick?
What’s up with that banner pic? Did Seagal’s daughter just toss him her panties?
I’ll never forget the American Ninja’s name.
“How a Grimace Can be Your Best Weapon” if Seagal can show me how to turn a gigantic pair of purple TruckNutz into a weapon, then he truely is cool.
Grimace = gigantic purple TruckNutz . . .
BRILLIANT!!
Jeff Speakman…. holy lord… Sometimes I don’t know whether I am proud to know all these references… or embarrased…. but today… I’m going with proud…..
I’m praying “working out with the SWAT team” means “being used as a battering ram to open doors”
I can just picture Seven Seagal busting open a front door using a 3′ salami as a battering ram.
Wanting to add to their female-friendly reality programming, Bravo will launch Cynthia Rothrock: Menopausal Mama.
How did this story earn the “Beeg Fawken Boners” tag?
I think maybe Vance has a little secret crush on Seagal.
Steven Seagal uses a buttering ram.
Newyup
I hope they include Seagal’s “Limp Wristed Running” segments.
Shaq is a police officer in some back woods area, too. I think Seagal and Shaq should team up and be motorcycle cops. It’d be kinda of like CHIPS, but awesome.
Ladies and Gents..Lee Van Cleef, MASTER NINJA!
He just pulled those panties out of his mouth, all pissed that they weren’t edible. “Goddamn it – these don’t taste like cherries! They taste like trout!”
Why is Seagut dressed like a Vietnamese hooker? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.