11.26.08 GOOD STORY, PATTINSON. (NEEDS MORE TIGERS)

Shrooms always make exams better. I totally kicked that Philosophy exams ass. Or was it Phylogeny? Photography? Either way I wrote ‘42′ and walked out.

Would you like fries with that?

He’s never going to make Penthouse Forum if that’s the best he’s got. Fucking Limeys.

One time, I rubbed my eyes really hard for about 20 seconds, then when I opened them, I was still confronted with a 195 pound, last call lady.

*stops practicing the “Thai-stick and move”, stares in disbelief at screen, begins loading pistols*

He’s just still in character from his latest role in The Adventures of Young Ozzy Osbourne.

Whoa Pattison, you just blew my mind! True story, the SAME THING happened to me. Only it wasn’t a 3-D Buddha in my head, it was a tiny 3-D Scarlett Johansson and she told me to stalk her until we fell in love and got married. In retrospect, perhaps tiny 3-D Scarlett was just yanking my chain…

I knew Robert was becoming a big star but he doesn’t need to be so Cockney.

*sits in corner, opens USA Today, marvels at pie chart*

He sounds like a good guy to go with on a peyote safari in the desert, with ay luck we’ll find Jesus and Buddha tag-teaming a 6-armed Hindu goddess atop a catcus

The first question on the joker-themed exam was “Why so serious?”

Unlike Pattinson, I flunked the Joker-themed exam but I made up for it on the Penguin-themed term paper.

Hey, I don’t know if there are any lawyers or legal scholars here, but does anybody know if there are any cases on the books in which a guy who murdered a lady in his office for incessantly humming Christmas music before Thanksgiving was found not guilty by reason of justifiable homicide?

John Cleese just renounced his citizenship.

Dane Cook failed the Joker themed exam. Multiple times.

Cuz he’s not funny. Get it? See, funny/joker? Whatever.

Hey Burnsy! You still have the money section from that USA Today? I gotta take a shit and we’re all out of toilet paper.

Uwe Boll is already trying to contact Robert Pattinson to option this story for a 2010 release date.

Reached for comment, Eddie Izzard said: “Wow, that bugga’s a little bit effeminate idn’t he? Anyway, the funny thing about the Spanish Armada in 1588…”

*looks at J for verification of secret word*

Come on in Zero. Watch that spot over there though. Burnsy and Donk got into a tickle match and Donk pissed himself.

From the time I was a small child on up to I couldn’t tell you when, one of my biggest thrills anytime I was in a car was to pull up beside a semi truck and from the passenger seat, make this pulling gesture with my little arm in hopes that they would blow their extremely loud steam horn for me. More often than not, the driver would willingly oblige and I would laugh so hard that I would almost pee my pants. I’d be so restless afterwards that Mom would call me her little Mexican Jumping Bean. It was just something so simple but so much fun, and it was a much better game than the Punch Buggy one, because I’d aim for Mom’s arm and she’d aim for my mouth, even if I had called no punch back.

I have told my kids about my simple road thrill but my girls simply weren’t interested. My son, however, has been trying to get a truck driver to blow his horn at him for 5 years of his 10 year existence now, but with no success. I don’t know if there are certain laws or just rules of the road that I’m not aware of that prevents these drivers from appeasing a child of just a simple tug of a string that makes a loud bleating sound, but my son had lost a lot of faith in me because he thought maybe I’d been lying to him all these years about this. Still, that hadn’t deterred him from trying every time we neared a semi. Yesterday, he discovered I wasn’t a liar.

It was some trucking line I’d never heard of, HPL, and the 53′ trailer was one of those canvas things that billowed out like a hot air balloon. As we neared the cabin, my son excitedly started pumping his arm up and down, the universal gesture for “Blow your fucking horn!” and to both of our surprises, he did! I glanced at my son and his eyes and mouth were wide open in the biggest grin I’d seen since the Grinch stole Christmas, but this was a good grin unlike that one. We passed the semi, both waving our thanks and suddenly the truck is on our ass like that one in Maximum Overdrive with the Green Goblin face on the front of it. So I get over into the slow lane to let him pass, but he swerves over too and stays on us like a dog that smells menstrual juices on a woman does.

I looked over at my son and he was still laughing and pumping his arm in the air, but there was no more horn to be heard. Instead, I heard an eerie voice that sounded like it was coming from a megaphone. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the driver holding a CB to his mouth and chanting “Yog Soggoth! Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” repeatedly. I guess he had seen the Cthulhu emblem on the back of my car and thought I was also part of the Cult, but I’m not. I’m really just a huge fan of His work and don’t go for the Cult thingy ever since I missed Kool Aid at the People’s Temple all those years ago. I saw our exit coming up and quickly swerved back over into the fast lane, and once we neared the exit, I swerved back over to barely make it off the Snyder just as he passed us by, now blowing his horn relentlessly and still chanting.

I quickly pulled over into the emergency lane and was trying to catch my breath by lighting a cigarette. I looked over at my son to see how he was doing. My son, still smiling,punched me in the arm as he said “Blue Punch Buggy, no punch back”. I still have a small chunk of his molar in my right knuckle as I type this.

*prints out Kurg’s post, slides USA Today to J*

Yeah, I’ll be busy for the next hour.

Cool Story, He should be a Jeopardy Contestant:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOQYo8i9blQ

That’s it? A fucking Buddha? No coke binging? No hooker orgies? No bong rips? No getting caught jacking off in the women’s locker room at the YMCA? No od’ing on alcohol? No midget fucking? No arrests?

Well, that would make it my story……

Damn, that was well worth it, Kurg.

Pauly, I was kinda hoping for something involving a handful of meth and Kristen Stewart playfully referred to as a “fist puppet.”

joker themed? Geography! Tchoh. Didn’t realise he was english though - that means the story makes PERFECT sense.