Let’s be clear about something, folks, I hate this post.  It takes me forever to write and probably scares off new readers who have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.  And yet, you f-ckers crack me up so often that I have no choice but to share.

No prize this week except the knowledge that all of you really had unprotected sex with my funny bone last week.  Seriously, there was far too much funny to recognize it all.  But if I have to pick a winner, I must go with Chodin in the Walker Texas Ranger/Jetpack thread for consistently surprising the hell out of me:

Chodin says, “If I had a jetpack, I’d probably run out of gas at 63 feet and end up like Steven Hawkings. That’s right, kids: I’d end up a f–king genius.”

Also: “If I had a jetpack, I’d pick my old girlfriend up, tell her “I can show you the wooooorrrlllldddd” and then I’d drop her ass in a volcano.”

And once more: “If I had a jetpack, I’d write a song about having my jetpack, then I’d fly around with my jetpack, singing my f–king song about the jetpack and then that way people wouldn’t have a goddamn choice, but to listen to my f–king song about having my jetpack.

My next favorite joke category came from the James Bond Product Placement thread:

Stone Soup says: “Do you expect me to talk?”

“No, Mr. Bond – I expect you to die. Die laughing at Banana’s in Poughkeepsie this weekend – here are two free tickets.”

“No, Mr. Bond – I expect you to diet. Have a bite of this Jenny Craig cheescake – it’s heavenly!”

Donkey Hodey says, “I’ll have a vodka martini, made with Grey Goose and poured into a Crate & Barrel martini glass. Oh, and make that shaken like a rich n’ smooth McDonald’s triple thick milkshake, not stirred, like a delicious Starbucks Latte.”

In the Kevin Costner Has a Band thread:

Pauly Dangerously says, “You can only purchase this album at the Cracker Barrel.”

From Every Horror Movie is About Creepy Kids:

Jacktion! says, “There’s a creepy kid down at the petting zoo. He always headbutts me in the crotch.

And there’s a creepy goat there, too.”

From Walter the Farting Dog:

Rotwangchung says, “…a plot that involves liberating a koi fish.

I hate when fish are koi. Look, I bought you the goddamn treasure chest with the little deepsea diver, now just blow me.

From the Cartoon Voiced by Freddy Prinze Jr. thread – wow.  Just… wow.

Donkey Hodey says: “- Mommy, there’s a real prince in this movie!

No, honey, that’s a Prinze.

- What’s the difference mommy?

Well, one turns into a king shortly after his daddy dies, the other turns a year old.

Another newbie this week, in the Matisyahu is Ras-Trent thread:

Tazar says, “To his credit, Matisyahu is the only singer in Reggae music today who’s father wasn’t Bob Marley.”

Stone Soup and Donkey Hodey with the double team in the Inglourious Basterds thread:

Donkey Hodey says, “Samuel L. Jackson wanted to be in this movie because he heard Italy is close to What and he still wants to know if they speak English there.”

Stone Soup, “Broken English, Mother F-cker, do you SPEAK IT?”

Chodin, once more in the Oh My God How Are the Cage Family Even Real People? Thread:

Chodin says, “…I’ll play your “Eyes of Noctum” and double-tap my mana, okay, so that gives my dungeon troll a level 6 retardation, which then makes your “Lubricant From Tears” fireproof.”

From the The Day the Earth Stood Still thread:

Pauly Dangerously says, “This isn’t about when MC Hammer said ‘stop’ followed by ‘Hammer time!’”

From the Joaquin Phoenix is Retiring thread:

ChinoMoreno says, “Sure he talks the talk, but does he Joaq the Joaq?”

And finally, justifying my Photoshop work, Michelle07 in the Angels and Demons thread:

Michelle07 says, “So?!? Does the Pope shit in the woods or not?”

Anyway, thanks for the laughs, douche nostrils.