11.30.08 COMMENTS OF THE WEEK

Happy Monday (talk about an oxymoron, LOL!), poopeaters.  I’ve got another copy of A Colbert Christmas to give away, so once again, here’s the run down:

Colbert is on his way to perform with Elvis Costello in New York City but is trapped by snow in his cabin in upstate New York (bear country).  Luckily, his friends Feist, Toby Keith, John Legend, Willie Nelson and Jon Stewart stop by to help him celebrate the season.  “A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!” features original songs written by David Javerbaum (executive producer, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”) and composer Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne), who recently collaborated on the Tony®-nominated Broadway musical “Cry Baby.”

Swell.  What say we start with a little Seagal bashing, shall we?  From the Steven Seagal has a reality show thread:

Stone Soup says, “I can just picture Seven Seagal busting open a front door using a 3′ salami as a battering ram.”

Burnsy says, “Steven Seagal uses a buttering ram.”

That was nice.  How ’bout a couple burns for the Scientology Center attacker guy?  Everyone likes ridiculing those who’ve recently died tragically.

Pauly Dangerously, picturesque and tastefully understated as always, says, “I want to high-5 his neck tat.”

Juan says, “Well, at least none of his neighbors have said ‘Oh, he was such a quiet and nice fellow, he was the last person you would expect to go berserk and attack people with two swords.’”

Burnsy says, “Mario Majorski invented the Trans Am with screen doors.” [because he has an Italian first name and a Polish last name, you see. -Ed.]

Let’s see, Steven Seagal, dead people, who can we ridicule next?  Ooh, I know child actors.  From the Bronx Tale star (Lillo Brancato) trial thread:

Burnsy says, “His next film will be Lillo and Snitch.”

Donkey Hodey says, “His nickname in prison is going to be ‘A Bronx Tail’.”

Burnsy says, “The good news is that the SAG strike will open the doors for so many new wide-eyed child actors to earn roles at toilet wages, thus ensuring a future of, ‘Hey, remember that one kid? Went rape crazy at a rabbit farm.’

Like I told the cops, you can’t rape the willing.  Now that child actors are out of the way, let’s move on to the mentally challenged.  From the Chazz Palminteri Loves His Retard Son thread:

Donkey Hodey says, “Retards can never find people to make out with them because, when it comes to tongue-wrestling, there simply isn’t anybody else in their weight class. [Editor's Note: 'Retards'?  I believe the preferred nomenclature is 'Mongoloids.']

And it just wouldn’t be a Comments of the Week post without a groan-worthy Jacktion! pun.  From the Bourne Sequel/Shakey Cam Rant thread:

Jacktion! says, “A non-shakey Bourne movie?  You want a still-Bourne?”

File under Miscellaneous:

[From the Paul Schrader Outsources Himself thread:] Jokerswild says, “Irony? While in Mumbai writing the screenplay, Schrader’s Dell Inspiron 8750 crashed on him. When he called for tech support he was assisted by an American Customer Service Technician from Bakersfield, CA.”

[From the Thai Basketball Movie thread:] Newbie Orca-Fat says, “Donovan McNabb didn’t even know you could have a Thai in basketball.”

[From the Mark Wahlberg Peeing thread:] Crapbasket says, “Mr. Wahlberg, pee down this wall!”

So who’s the winner?  I should probably give it to Burnsy, considering his unprecedented four comments on this list, but he won the week before last, and this next comment did make me chub a little. From the Dolph Lundgren Joins the Expendables/’Toughguy Homecoming’ thread:

Watanabex says, “For Toughguy Homecoming I raced on the Rainbow track of mario kart 64 on 150cc OOH WAH-AH AH AH!!”

Says it all, doesn’t it?  Great job, folks.  As always, nominate your favorite comments from this week in the comments section below, and may God have mercy on your soul.