Somehow I neglected to cover this from a couple days ago, but during CNN’s election night coverage, Wolf Blitzer unveiled CNN’s latest infotainment future weapon – THE HOLOGRAM!
We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything… like this.
*hologram*
Round of applause. We did it. Now, Susan, I know you’re in Chicago, but we’ve done something incredible… we’ve beamed you in.
There you have it, folks. Thanks to the magic of unnecessary technology, news as we know it will never be the same. Do you remember, back in the olden days of news, when great grandad was still shitting in a can and using his feces to scribble on the walls of his cave? When they would use a “split screen” and that extra 15% of the frame around the correspondent was simply wasted? That 15% is a thing of the past! A dodo bird scribbling on carbon paper! A neanderthal in an Edsel! A milkman riding a tricerotops!
[via ScreenJunkies]
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Almost as impressive as FOX’s new holocaust.
Meh, better than the “Urinescope” from “The Day The Earth Froze”.
*hologram reporter chokes to death*
Apology accepted.
It appears that they have some glitches in the audio transmissions. It sounded to me like Wolf was interviewing the cast and crew of Watchmen also. I dunno.
Fek, that was beautifully played and nommed. Nicely done.
Was she being beamed from the passenger side door mirror?
When they tried to beam in Will.i.am they got Oprah on accident, I guess all black people DO look alike…
Was she being beamed from the passenger side door mirror?
You just blew Bubo’s mind. Seriously, there are like fucking cogs and sprockets all over the ship!
“I know you’ve never seen anything… like this.”
Yeah I have Wolf and this is a shittier version of it.
Wolf was probably under the impression that you could have sex with a hologram.
Wolf was probably under the impression that you could have sex with a hologram.
Guy’cha! Levar Burton did it all the qovlpathing time on ST:TNG!
Next, Wolf is going to work on beaming a Taco Bell fourth meal into his stomach.
Wesley Crusher was a hologram, right?
I saw James Carville talking to this thing the other night and had visions of them both being what i would see if i were the one to have had opened the Ark of the Covenant.
I think it would be cool if I can ‘bate with my mind.
Fek, it never fails: every time I’m half way through one of your comments, my brain punches it’s time clock and rushes home to beat off.
… except a bunch of geeks said it wasn’t a hologram after all:
ht tp://www.cbc.ca/technology/story/2008/11/05/tech-holograms.html
So in summary, CNN can lick my balls.
Unless I see this shit beamed out of r2d2, its not true
They are using the same technology that was used in Back to the Future to make Marty McFly’s hand see-thru.
Thank the Lord. I was actually starting to give a shit about the news, but then the hologram came along and saved my fucking life.
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything… like this.”
*Wolf wiggles pencil to make it look squiggly*
Wolf is going to absolutely shit his beard when he finds out about shoes with velcro.
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything… like this.”
*Wold puts his thumb through his zipper to make it look like a dick*
I grabbed a beer with The Future, once. He said, hands down, that the hologram was his gayest idea ever.
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything… like this.”
*Wolf waits for you to ask “Like what?” then kicks you in the balls*
Either she’s a gnome or the transporter beam is farsighted as fuck.
Chod-any word on flying cars over that beer?
Its Wonkvision, things are smaller after they are beamed across the room
Help me Barack Hussein Obama; You’re my only hope
With all that build up, I honestly thought Wolf Blitzer was about to reveal fucking Quato.
the a would have made that better
What you don’t get to see is Wolf drop kicking the prop guy for putting the red plastic disc in the wrong spot.
Do pervert my beloved Star Wars in such a fashion!!!
god dammit I meant DO NOT
I cant fucking type today
Help
I asked him, Fek. The Future said first he’s working on some new video games and a sex doll that actually cuddles back.
CNN had to go with the hologram approach because the on-scene producer couldn’t find a backdrop in Chicago that didn’t have three or fifty Cubs fans crying like bitches.
Don’t look at me for typing help, Eib. I’m to typing what Wolf Blitzer is to sexy.
J-Us Cubs fans can take narrow defeat in the World Series a lot better than THAT!
Actually it’s called a “double box.” A split screen doesn’t have the graphic around it.
*The More You Know Star Flies Over BK’s Head*
If my wife had a double box…
Aw fuck it. Twice.
JHC must have passed off his “peeple who cant tipe goood” disease to you, Eibz.
Is there a cure?
… and I’m a little late to the party once again. Back off, it was a very long and boring meeting.
And, you told me I wouldnt catch anything if we did that stuff, JHC. Liar
Is there a cure?
Having Al tell you that your typing skills just cost you a shot at a standing 69 seems to have fixed my wagon, Eib.
The Mighty Feklahr cannot find Michael Dorn anywhere in that video!!!
*hangs head in shame*
This is like High School all over again.
Bah! J, normally a standing 69 with Al sounds great, but she sure as hell can’t hold a 187kg Klingon and keep from dropping Him on His head! It was like fucking wrestling The Undertaker!
Yes, and I’ve been practising with Chodin, JHC. Too bad for you. We’ll see what kind of shape you’re in tomorrow morning.
*waits for it*
Bingo, 4:30. I’m out peeps. Have a good night.
I can’t believe it took Fek that long to make a Worf joke.
Did somebody say “standing 69″ ? My beeper just went off.
Wolf Blitzer’s secret list of priorities:
1) Holo-fucking-grams
2) More holograms
3) Kids/holograms of his kids
Wolf should have used that opportunity to fondle her hologram.
I think the advantage of having the hologram is that you can have your dick out, unbeknownst to the person in the hologram.
I think it would be cool if I had a hologram for my dick that made it a yard long.
After hours, Wolf Blitzer likes to beat off while two holograms of himself watch.
I think it would be cool to have a hologram of yourself, especially when making those “Hey, I’m new to this ‘hood and also a sexual predator.” rounds.
Look world, I do not want to talk to holograms, or video phones. Phone sex is a theater of the MIND godammit!
I had to explain to my Mom “Listen what you walked in on ‘bating was a hologram of me. And what the fuck were you doing in my room anyway, bitch?”
{holophone beeps, Crappy check holoID, sees it’s mom holoing, goes to hit quiet button but hits answer instead}
Mom: Hey, ya bastard! I just wanted to tel you granny died… Holy titzits! What the fuck is that on your dick?!?
Crappy: Uh, your mom…
Remember kids, only YOU can prevent stupid fucking holograms.
On his way home from the studio that night, Wolf Blitzer had his mind blown by a calculator watch he found on the sidewalk.
CNN’s hologram is brought to you by the same people who made the sidewalk light up in Michael Jackson’s “Billy Jean” video.
Wolf Blitzers beard is still hurty – even in hologram mode.
I want a hologram of myself so that I can get some help projecting what a dickhead I am.
I’m also incredibly disappointed in Wolf’s air humping skills. You know he’d a been all up in Will I Am if he were home alone.
CNN’s hologram is brought to you by the same people who created the monsters on the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers show.
CNN’s hologram is brought to you by the same people who created the fold-in safty tip on paper planes.
I hope the lawyers over at Nick Arcade haven’t killed themselves yet.
[www.blogofhilarity.com]
CNN’s hologram is brought to you by the same people who created dry ice fog in your high school’s theater production of “Frankenstein”.
Is it another series of tubes?
CNN’s hologram is brought to you by the same people who created “the dove” shadow puppet.
I just love the fact that some old guy, somewhere, actually watched this live and thought to himself, “Now I’ve seen it all…here I come, Barbara” as he kinked his life support tube.
CNN’s hologram is brought to you by the same people who created the baking soda volcano.
If you’re not careful kinking, you can get stuck in your life support tube.
I can’t help but wish she was devoured by nano-bots mid-interview
Is Muffit going to become the CNN house dog?
I can see you two slow dancing in the corner.
sigh
*Pauly’s hand lingers on the oil stained orange satin of Chodin’s athletic shorts. Pauly drops his popsicle and stops dancing to pick it up.
*Michelle sits alone at the bar slowly choking to death on a peanut with two full piss boots just out of reach. Pauly and Chod begin to do the Hustle.
Achgrlbl
Michelle, you are quite the cock-blocker
I support your lurve!
….and thank you
*winks and double finger guns
Sorry…I was hung up in a romantic moment back there.
It’s cool.
I came.
So can you get your dick out my nachos now?
This dance blows…let’s go fuck some holograms.
Wolf Blitzer looks like a trader from Orgeon Trail.
p.s. Geroge Washingto was going to go to college in Orgeon, but couldn’t fucking find the place.
*taps dickhead, blows down urethra*
Is this thing on?
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, I’d be a lumberjack and fuck Alaskan Huskies.
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, I’d be a late night radio DJ at a classic rock station.
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, I would go to McDonald’s and order everything in the 3rd person.
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, I’d be CEO of your fucking face.
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, I’d eat live rabbits and wear their feet as nipple ring charms.
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, I’d tell everyone they’re “spelling it wrong” and demand they address me as one of Santa’s reindeer.
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, I’d drink beer and spit in the face of the closest woman next to me and say “You’re welcome, Bitch!”
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, my pimp hand would be strong.
If my name was Wolf Blitzer, I’d have Wham’s “Last Christmas” set as my phone’s ringtone all year.
If my name was Wolf Blitzer I’d have adamantine in my weenis.
weeeeeeeeeeenis
Excuse me ladies, is this where the Cyber Club is meeting?
*Michelle stands up and chess pieces fall to the floor from an undisclosed location
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf holds up paper towel tube to one eye, with the palm of his hand facing the other eye*
“THIS IS AMAZING!”
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Turns on a monitor showing Fox News’ hologram of the Capital Building*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf presses the back of his hands against a doorframe for too minutes, steps forward*
“THIS IS AMAZING!”
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*drops Mentos into a bottle of diet soda*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf pulls a quarter out from behind your ear*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf stares intently at Magic Eye painting for 21 minutes*
“THIS IS BULLSHIT!”
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf moves fist back and forth in front of his mouth while sticking his tongue into his cheek to match the motion*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Soaks up a liter of spilled soda with a Sham Wow*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Kermit The Frog and Fozzie Bear ride into the studio on a bicycle built for two*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Folds a dollar bill in half, then again, unfolds it and George Washington is UPSIDE DOWN!*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf syncs up Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” with The Wizard of Oz.*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf faces mirror and says “BLOODY MARY BLOODY MARY BLOODY MARY”*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf grabs a jar of peanut butter, walks his dog onto the set*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Interns push in a bitchin’ homemade ramp. Wolf puts on helmet, lights sparklers taped to shoulders, mounts bicycle, and pauses.*
“We’ll be right back after this important message from Wilford Brimley.”
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf pulls out boombox and stoically raises it. Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes begins to play.*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*2 Wolf Blitzers proceed to eat shit from 1 cup*
It’s always a short walk from listening to Peter Gabriel to eating shit.
*Peter Gabriel’s Come Talk To Me queues up on RoboPanda’s mp3 player*
Why am I hungry for an Arby’s melt all of a sudden?
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*A lion cautiously walks onto the set, looks at Wolf, and gives him a big hug*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*holds monitor showing an unlicensed broadcast of the NFL Network up to the camera*
I’d rather see a hologram of an Aries Spears biopic.
I imagine it’s more cost effective to just have Aries Spears stand there in the studio.
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf rifles through his pant pocket, pulls out… a middle finger.”
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolfs cuts to live video of Geraldo Rivera at the secret vault of Al Capone.*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf pulls 2 liter of Crystal Pepsi out from his ass.*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*pulls mask off to reveal Tom Cruise, peels vocal chip from neck, presses detonator*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf corrects limped walk, puts on gold watch, lights ciggerette to reveal that he is Keiser Soze*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf opens up Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase, pulls out a golden boot of piss*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*pulls out a bottle of Bacardi Gold, takes a big swig*
“Look at me, I’m totally drinking on the air!!”
*takes another swig*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*An intern walks out carrying a small table. Wolf places a pencil upright on the table. Slams intern’s face into table.*
“Ta da!”
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*Wolf drops trou, and a stream of ping pong balls begin flying through hologram Will.I.Am*
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*pulls out stack of paper, begins reading*
“Burnsy says, Almost as impressive as FOX’s new holocaust. The Mighty Feklahr says, Meh, better than the “Urinescope” from “The Day The Earth Froze”. The Mighty Feklahr says, *hologram reporter chokes to death* Apology accepted….etc.”
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this. RoboPope!! ASSEMBLE!!!”
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*puts on jetpack, flies through CNN roof*
“Pretty cool, huh? Alright, I want all viewers to call in, telling me what you would do with a jetpack.
Whoops, forgot the final “.
*googles Emma Eatson porn*
You win everything on the internet for the title of that post.
“We’re going to do something that’s never been done on television. I want you to watch what we’re about to do because I know you’ve never seen anything . . . like this.”
*opens a small box and reveals a 12″ pianist, looks disappointed*