Happy Monday (talk about an oxymoron, LOL!), poopeaters.  I’ve got another copy of A Colbert Christmas to give away, so once again, here’s the run down:

Colbert is on his way to perform with Elvis Costello in New York City but is trapped by snow in his cabin in upstate New York (bear country).  Luckily, his friends Feist, Toby Keith, John Legend, Willie Nelson and Jon Stewart stop by to help him celebrate the season.  “A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!” features original songs written by David Javerbaum (executive producer, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”) and composer Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne), who recently collaborated on the Tony®-nominated Broadway musical “Cry Baby.”

Swell.  What say we start with a little Seagal bashing, shall we?  From the Steven Seagal has a reality show thread:

Stone Soup says, “I can just picture Seven Seagal busting open a front door using a 3′ salami as a battering ram.”

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Friday Free for All is that time of the week when I have an excuse to post a funny video out of laziness. Send your tips to lance@filmdrunk.com.

Friday Free for All is Saturday Free for All this week due to the holiday. Anyway, this one’s an oldie but goodie. Andy Samberg and friends used to make videos on a site called thelonelyisland before they got hired by SNL, and most of their videos are pretty much exactly like SNL Digital Shorts. This one’s called “Just 2 Guyz” and is a personal favorite of mine. I totally agree with the premise. Who needs other people when you’ve got spinach dip?

In other news, my digital shorts are crotchless.

I’m pretty excited for Watchmen (newest trailer), but everyone’s talking about it as if its March release is a sure thing, when that doesn’t seem to be the case.

In our short life, the Am Law Daily has never read two motions for summary judgment as different as those filed by legal teams for Warner Bros. and 20th Century Fox in their rights dispute over “Watchmen,”

The two sides filed their motions Tuesday, and the suit will come to a head during a hearing on Dec. 15 — a hearing that could derail the unveiling of a movie that comic book geeks have waited two decades for.

The two sides take very different strategies in their motions filed this week. Warners comes out firing, saying Fox, even if it did once own a right of first refusal, gave it up by not exercising it for more than a decade while three different studios batted around possible “Watchmen” projects. They characterize Fox’s suit as a last-minute attempt to attach itself to a film that looks like it will be a hit. But later in their motion, the studio says it’s willing to accept a partial summary judgment ruling. What that means is unclear; it could mean that Fox will end up with a percentage of distribution rights or that Warners will pay Fox an unknown amount to secure full rights to the movie.

Fox, on the other hand, is going for a home run. They ask for nothing less than the sole right to produce “Watchmen” and distribute it in the U.S. and abroad. [AMLaw]

I’m not a lawyer, but it doesn’t take a lawyer to see that this is an opportunistic suit by Fox.  If you’ve owned the rights to something since the 80s and you haven’t made a movie by now, f-ck off, you lost your chance.  Doesn’t this contract stipulate a “Shit or Get off the Pot” clause?  Not to mention, no one would be fighting over the rights to a Watchmen movie if the retards that run Fox had gotten their hands on it, and three of the superheroes were played by Martin Lawrence in a fat suit.  WB’s lawyer should just stand up in court and say, “Your honor, Fox is the studio that greenlit Meet Dave.  I rest my case.”   And then the people in the crowd would start a slow clap and everyone would realize the error of their ways and the guys from WB would jump up and high five each other and it would freeze frame on a closeup of their hands and then fade to black and white.

What Doesn’t Kill You bills itself as the true story of director Brian Goodman, who co-wrote the film with Paul Murray and Donnie Wahlberg.

Hawke and Ruffalo play childhood friends Paulie and Brian, who are forced to survive on the tough streets of South Boston through a life of petty thievery. They join a local gang of criminals, but Brian finds it hard to reconcile his work and friendship with Paulie and his relationship with his wife (Amanda Peet) and son.

I’m excited for another Boston gangster picture, but I’m disappointed about the accents.  They seem much less realistic than in The Depaaahted or Mystic Rivah.  Also, if this is the guy’s life story, where’s the part about how he moved to Hollywood to become an actor?  Hey yous queahs, what I really want is to fackin direct ovah heah. Hey, ahn’t you da guy from New Kids on da Blawk? I think the full title should be What Doesn’t Kill You Gives You Mad Street Cred, or What Doesn’t Kill You Ingratiates You to the Wahlbergs.

In The Ugly Truth (trailer after the jump), Katherine Heigl plays the bitchy career woman who’s unlucky in love, who gets stuck working with an incorrigible male chauvinist played by Gerard Butler. They can’t stand each other at first, but before you know it, blah blah blah it’s pretty much like 27 Dresses.  Let’s see if you can guess how this one ends:

A.    We find out Katherine Heigl was a man all along.
B.    Rosebud was the sled
C.    Katherine Heigl discovers Gerard Butler is really a sensitive soul and they fall in love when she convinces herself that she can change him
D.    Just when the aliens are about to win, we find out they’re allergic to water.
E.    Money shot

It’s a good thing Heigl isn’t forced to do sexist movies like Knocked Up anymore.  Now she can devote her full focus on these empowering stories of feminists, who find true happiness only when they meet the right guy.  Woohoo, girl power!
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