WORST MOVIE EVER GETS LONGER TRAILER
10.29.08I have a little theory about Adam Sandler. Somewhere between Waterboy and Little Nicky I think he decided to test his own power and see just how f-cking awful a comedy he would have to make for it not to be a ridiculous success. And for about ten years now, he’s been King Midas’ asshole, dropping one golden turd after another. Will Bedtime Stories be the one to break the spell? Reasons it might:
- The worst director in Hollywood
- Little kid with lisp (I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!)
- The most overused plot device in history (I had a dream about a dog bite and when I woke up, ZOMG! Teeth marks!)
- Courtney Cox (don’t believe me? Other movies she’s been in: November, Get Well Soon, Alien Love Triangle, Zoom, The Tripper, 3000 Miles to Graceland…)
Ha, who am I kidding? This is just like one of those inexplicably successful Brendan Fraser movies, but with Adam Sandler. This is going ten hundred squintillion dollars and an executive somewhere is going to buy a thousand-foot yacht made entirely out of LA sluts with big fake tits.
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I had a dream that I was nailing Rachel Bilson and when I woke up, ZOMG! Boner poking my dog.
“You want me to catch on fire?!?”
God please yes, Mr. Sandler. Die in a fire.
Hey man, Hollywood sluts with big fake tits float nicely. Don’t knock it until you’ve ridden one like a parade float on New Year’s.
The Mighty Feklahr had this dream where He ejaculated over and over like in gallon spurts, and when He woke up, ZOMG! Still at the Kindercare!
I assumed Klingons always spurted a gallon of jizz, Fek. Are you a dribbler or something?
I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, the Stay Puft Man was looming over my bed with a bat in his hands while the Stay Puft Woman kept telling him “it’s not what it looks like”.
an executive somewhere is going to buy a thousand-foot yacht made entirely out of LA sluts with big fake tits.
This was an accident, though – he ordered a 1000-foot yacht that was filled with a load of seamen.
No, SS, the fake tits make for better buoyancy. Its science.
A boat full of seamen would go down.
Actually, I guess they both would go down. Nevermind.
I like calling you SS, because in my head, we are playing naughty Nazi games
I understand that yacht is forty feet abreast.
Michelle, please dont watch that trailer. I think it could damage your unborn child.
Lince, you left off the “People Who Should Be Burned For Fuel” tag.
Unlike these delicious jelly beans that will supply vital jelly nutrients.
Courtney Cox had a dream that she was a waitress at Denny’s, but then woke up and thought, “I’ve stared in November, Get Well Soon, Alien Love Triangle, Zoom, The Tripper, 3000 Miles to Graceland. That couldn’t happen to me.”
*David Arquette runs in*
“Hunny Denny’s called, they said you got the job!”
Thanks Eib?
I once had a dream that my whore-ex was cheating on me.
And then I woke up next to her getting plowed by the entire 1998 Cowboys football team. It’s cool though cause I got Deion $anders autograph!
Are you a dribbler or something?
Bah! The Mighty Feklahr was once at a hotel and came so hard He hit the painting on the wall behind the bed!
True story, btk!
I had a dream once where I was getting my salad tossed by
Ariana HuffingtonAnne Hathaway, when I woke up my puppy was licking my asshole.True Story.
I had a dream I was married to Suzanne Pleshette and we had the most awesome sweater collection ever. Also I think I was bonking a dentist, a pilot and some tard and his brothers.
Fek, that’s funny – I was staying in this Holiday Inn in Iowa, and was shocked to see they had an original Pollack on the wall.
I love you Michelle
I had a dream that there was a giant frog in my hair, now if you’ll please excuse me, I’d like to concentrate on my music career.
*Michelle starts tapping her belly button to the tune of Peter and the Wolf
This next song is for Eibz
SS, Iowa is a terrible place to be. There’s all sorts of farm animals everywhere, but they wont let you have sex with them…even if you have cash!
HEY! HE DIDN’T SAY IT WAS A HOLIDAY INN!!! What’s going on here?
“naughty Nazi games” and you look good in black and already have your blood type tattooed in your armpit anyway…
“Let” you have sex with farm animals? In Iowa? Muthafuckah, that shit be MANDATORY!
Midwest 3 REP-RE-SENT!
Fek, Iowa’s only got one fucking hotel, duh…
Adam Sandler anagram, Red’s Mad Anal
I live in Iowa.
1st, They totally dont let you fuck the farm animals after that Mr. Hands fiasco
2nd, there’s more than 1 hotel. There’s 2.
and lastly, I’ve seen that Pollack painting. It looks like Klingon jizz on an old sweater.
SS-What, the abandoned house where junkies crash doesn’t count?
Anyway, to bring this convo full circle, the University of Iowa actually has an original Pollack on display. They also have this great, very controversial exhibit called The Nazi Drawings.
I hear Tarsem refers to this film as The Fail.
LOL, where in Iowa, zayLo? (If you don’t mind Him asking.) The Mighty Feklahr lives in Iowa City.
Fek, did you see the HiDef living paintings exhibit before the floods? Shit had Steve Buscemi, and Brad Pitt and others?
DM,
Whatdayagot ESP or someting? I just finished looking up what a ‘Wilson’ was: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Wilson
Ok, maybe more like ESPN…
What could be controversial about Nazi drawingsa in Iowa? Not drawn in real, blood-of-the-Jew?
Iowa City area!
I think children with lisps are the cutest thing…..
ON MY DICK!
Yay – a love connection!
I am so depressed that I’m not allowed to comment on the Princess Leia pillow fight.
No shit Jack!, WTF up with dat?
City High ’95! :P
What would you have said, Jack?
Clear Creek Amana ’04. rock out.
Damn, I thought this was going to be an extended trailer for Proud American, and we’d finally find out what happened to that black kid and the Jewish family, and, hey, what’s the fucking 5th story about?
OK TW, I can ponder it no more, just which “wilson” definition were you refering to? I’m thinking the shit in a condom and eat it one…
Oh, GAWD…Robopanda is an Iowan, too. You guys are so fucked. We are going to team up and bore everyone to death with tractor stories.
Creedence Clearwater Revival ’69
[whispers]
What the fuck are we talking about?
Probably nothing nearly as clever as what you said, Stone.
If this was a remake of the Marilyn Chambers movie, I’d be more inclined to watch it, even with Adam Sandler and the kids with a lisp.
Back to big fake tits and boats:
So they find this body off of one of the bridges down here 25 years back and she gets identified from the serial # on her breast implant: http://www.hbo.com/autopsy/episode/episode_2_keerans_carter.html
I had a dream that I had a snake, mang….
Somebody say Iowa?
*lights up Lemonade Tacos stand and starts heating the oil for the deep-fried bloodcicles*
TW, Boats and Hoes, bro. Boats and Hoes
DM,
#1 AND #5, actually. Thanks for asking…
Yes, another of our kindred has entered the midst (couldn’t you tell by the manure smell?)!
I just wanted to remind everyone that implants of most kinds put in the human body (except maybe teeth and they mas also) have serial #’s on them.
Funny you say that Fek, I walked into work today and something smelled of shit. At first I thought I needed to wipe my ass better, but quickly noticed the dog shit stuck to my shoe.
Probably nothing nearly as clever as what you said, Stone.
Don’t sell yourself short, Jack. I’m sure it might have been nearly as clever.
Parking lot of the Red Lion Inn, ’89.
I knew already, Fek. He Who Walks Behind The Rows sent me a text message.
His myspace name is ~~*B-hind dem roes and dem hoes RIP Aaron Spelling*~~
New state motto: Iowa-Fields of Shit.
Mom’s Vagina, ’76.
GRRR…HOME OF THE HAWKS!!!
I went to Iowa once…
…once.
Richard Gere can appreciate the girth of that gerbal.
I’ve been to every state around Iowa and they all smell like shit. You know, I never bothered thinking that it may just be Iowa…
Marilyn Chambers. Yeah… I got a VHS of the movie Up ‘N’ Coming where she’s a country singer. John Holmes puts it in her ass at the end.
Here she is a few decades age: http://www.marilynchambersxxx.com/photos/Marilyn_chambers_4.jpg
Waldwick, NJ often smells of goose shit. Really.
The edge of Roseland too, Jack!
I don’t know about all of Waldwick, but the parking lot of Matthew’s Colonial Diner usually did.
My town smells of egg farts and regret.
There’s the spot on the Jersey Turnpike that always smells like shit too…I think it is called “The Whole Thing”
My state reeks of Gopher pride. Gopher pride smells like weed.
JStJ,
ESPECIALLY around Linden.
Good thing I’m 100 miles south of the Turnpike.
That’s the best part about driving around NJ – you can fart and easily blame it on whatever area you’re passing through.
Interesting costume for Halloween: http://tinyurl.com/5ns2jg
The whole Turnpike doesn’t smell like shit. Most of it smells of pollution. Some of it actually smells fine. The southern part, mostly.
That reminds me of a joke:
How many Branch Davidians can you fit in a car?
Well, you can fit 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 64 in the ash tray.
Dire: My town smells of egg farts and regret.
I think my underwear smelled like that back in High School.
How do you fucking Italicize on this crazy bitch?!?
Parkway > Turnpike.
True TW, the shore is really a lot better then people give it credit for. Stray Hypodermics aside of course.
Use standard HTML, zayL, kinda like this.
BTK, I live in southern Connecticut, it smells like salt water and New Jersey’s day-old farts.
zayLo: Just use the buttons under the comment box.
What’s the big deal?
MY STATE SMELLS LIKE WET-BACK DICK!
Example I’m freaking out, man!
ly Dang,
soap and hard work?
Crap.
My state smells like gunpowder and rednecks, with a hint of salsa.
Your states all suck.
My state does, too.
Eibz, I was thinking propane and propane accessories.
My state smells like… oh right nevermind
The only good state is Florida New Jersey Ohio apathy.
My state smells like patchouli and flannel. With a hint of liberal tree hugger.
Standard HTML!?!? Uproxx must not be paying Lince enough for good buttonry.
Why didn’t the strikeouts work?
Al’s province smells of moose and suck.
A “hint” of liberal? Please, your state smells just like Ras Trent
Ok, that was superawesome, Mayor
testingMy state of mind smells like Andy Warhol fighting Jason Voorhies for a used tampon.
My province smells like Labatt’s and Canadian bacon. With a hint of hoser.
There we go. Sometimes you have to use trial and error with the code.
My state smells like Leather and coco butter.
You wanna smell an icky smell? Try the Puyallup River here in Western Washington state. Smells like sewer and Tacoma in general. Some poor schmuck fell in there once (I’m sure more than one schmuck has fallen in, but I’ve been here 10 years and only heard of it once)…..I feel really bad for whoever had to be around him for the next month…
[b]This[/b]
[i]sucks[i/]
[u]vagina[/u]
I knew I should have payed attention in that HTML class, but that fucking scrawny nerdy kid was so easy to intimidate.
Dude, I don’t wanna get all technical on you, but you gotta use those spikey things, not those square bracket thingos.
Fuck all of you, in Canadia we call them “spikey things” and they look like <
Lince, not to undermine your authority, but He thought Sideways was the “worst movie ever”?
Canadia < Canuckistan
This
sucks
vagina
HIYO!
Fuck
My state smells like hippies, Coors, tamales, and left over man bits from the thousands of sex change operations.
Hey, it works.
I can still smell that dog shit in my cubical. I’m going to ass fuck my neighbors dog with a big black strapon.
New Up for fairies
Strikethrough doesn’t work, though. Aaaanyways, my state actually only smells like Gopher pride on Sundays, as we import the beer smell in from Wisconsin.
GRRR, FUCKING MINNESOTA STATE LAW BANNING THE SALE OF ALCOHOL ON SUNDAY!!
imless. Use [strike] or [del], but remember the brackets instead.
Kerri Russell walked past me the other day as I was staring at ass and eating my lunch in Madison Square Park, she’s preeeeety damn cute in person I must say. The look she gave me, totally made me forget about how bad MI3 was and that she had the worst fro-hair on that felicity show.