THE HOFF HASSELED BY GIANT SNAKES
10.21.08
Anaconda 3: Offspring (‘They can taste your fear’) hits DVD shelves today, and after the jump I’ve got your first clip. While no one matches the panache of Ice Cube in Anaconda 1 (“So zactly how beeg… is dis snake?”), there are still a couple things to look for in this clip. First, the Hoff shouting, “Nobody wanted this, man!” at about the 1:14 mark, channeling Bill Paxton in Aliens. He then adds utterly nonsensically, “I’ll tell you a little about the military in this country: They’re about as reliable as a bottle of Jack at an AA meeting.”
Huh. Well personally, I’ve always found bottles of Jack to be rather lazy, but maybe I’m thinking of Jose Cuervo… Anyway, the Hoff finishes off his big monologue with yet another confusing one liner:
“You got two choices: you go home with a great snake story, or you go with me.”
Dammit, man, you can’t imply that they’re mutually exclusive! Did you learn nothing in cheesy b-movie pickup line school? Amateurs. Observe: “Stay here if you want, but if it’s a great snake story you’re after, you can always come home with me.” Let me know if I need to F her for you too.
[Thanks to Robo for the tip]
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I don’t recognize which gang colors the darky is representin’…anyone?
Ice Cube wasn’t in the last Anaconda, only the first. Fuck man, that’s like saying Reginald Hudlin wrote House Party 2 and 3.
Hoff: “We need backup ASAP.”
Black guy: “Well, what did they say?”
Hoff: “Beats me, I only dialed four numbers.”
Unfortunately, Hasselhoff had already used the “We have a hundred foot mutated Anaconda, I need backup ASAP” line as a joke several times already while trying to pick up women in his unit, so nobody came.
No word yet on whether Hasselhoff will sign on for Anaconda 4: Serpent on Spring Break.
I’ll tell you a little about the health care in this country. It tastes just about as good as airline food!
I think “I’ll tell you a little about the military in this country: They’re about as reliable as a cheeseburger when you’re on a bender with your daughter.” Might have captured the gravity of the situation a little more accurately.
“I’ll tell you a little about the military in this country: They’re about as reliable as a FilmDrunk Durst following an unfunny joke before 9am.”
That’s about as reliable as a fart in a pediatric ward.
Anaconda 3: Offspring – Here is our boat. There’s the snake. You gotta keep ‘em separated.
And I think Mark Wahlberg and Sarah Palin make a cute couple
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Stoney, You’re pretty fly for a white guy.
I’m hoping they go full-cheese with this one – I want to see snake puppets with obvious elbow bends, giant Ikea stuffed snakes floating around, and hissing that includes the occasional throat-clearing cough.
That picture of the Hoff is very unsettling…
The gang survived theatre, they survived the summer, and even senior year, but can the HSM group get through creepy uncle Tobias unharmed? My money says Sharpay gets dabbled first. Find out in the Disney feature High School Musical Pee…on the Hoff’s feet. Yeah there we go, just like that, you’re beautiful.
Please let it be known that I despise the band. I was just hoping I’d be the first to latch onto that premise.
Let me tell you something about the military in this country – they’re about as reliable as a vapid blonde with big boobs trying to save you from drowning.
Hasselhoff’s favorite joke on the set was the title should be Anaconda 3: Hoffspring. Then the cast would go back to checking the Variety pages for bestiality porn work.
New Up!
Let me tell you something about the military in this country – they’re about as reliable as a 1985 Trans Am that thinks it’s fucking smarter than you. Fuck you, car.
I was going to say…I might actually go see High School Musical 3 in theaters!! (you have to add the last bit with the exclamation points or else Disney execs fly to your location and taze you and kick you in the head) if The Hoff was in it doing that Hooked on a Feeling routine.
“You got two choices: you go home with a great snake story, or you go with me and end up with a different kind of snake story”